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Post by gwampa69 on Mar 23, 2016 18:24:35 GMT -5
Hi Kim I haven't been to too many parties since I put away my drinkin shoes. That hasn't been entirely by design though. Just haven't had many occasions in the last two years. I never realized just how much my drinking influenced people around me. Mostly my work mates. We used to go out after work a lot. Innocent enough for everyone but me. After a few beers, they went home and I went further, every single time. Nowadays, it seems that the work group doesn't go to the bar together at all. One of the guys mentioned that to me last Friday. He said nobody gets together anymore. Apparently I was the drunken glue that kept that crew together. I guess my quitting drinking had an effect in another way that I never realized.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2016 16:39:10 GMT -5
Wow Brett! You must have been the life of the party! That's amazing work by you.
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Post by gwampa69 on Jul 1, 2016 19:46:17 GMT -5
June 30th, 2014 I was a broken man. I was a hopeless man. By that summer I had managed to destroy pretty much everything that matters or should matter to a 45 year old man. It didn’t happen overnight. If it did, maybe that would have been easier to accept because if it happened that quickly, it would either mean I made one colossal mistake, or it would mean that something happened to me that I had no control over. Neither of those scenarios are true. I ended up in that place because my life, my dreams, my family’s dreams and the person that I really am were destroyed because of my addiction to alcohol. That and the lifelong series of mistakes and bad decisions I made under its grasp. It’s not completely true that alcohol only controls if you drink it. It can also control you when you try to stop. The obsessive thoughts of drinking in my early days of sobriety are evidence of this fact. The grip alcohol had on me was a strong one. I dreamed (had nightmares) about drinking booze. I thought about it every minute during my waking hours. It was torture. And yet I fought on knowing (hoping as much as a hopeless guy can) that I would someday make it to the promised land. The land where there were no more thoughts about alcohol. That place that I read about on the old forum. The place where every day wasn’t a struggle to make it to the pillow sober. It turns out that I carried that place with me all along. I just didn’t know it. I couldn’t see it because alcohol still controlled me. Giving up the quit and drinking alcohol may seem like the easy way out. Except it isn’t really all that easy if you look at the situation honestly. The things that inevitably happen when an alcoholic drinks are not pleasant at all. The relief we may feel is brief. The feeling of failure, remorse, shame and fear are much longer lasting. That is the reality. It ain’t pretty but it’s true. Alcoholics know this to be a true but we continue on drinking for our various reasons. Even while we watch the earth burn around us. Addiction is a strange thing. Logic and reason have no place at the table when addiction is holding court.
Not drinking alcohol, making the decision to quit is really quite easy. I made that decision a hundred times or more. Of course it’s the actual abstinence part that trips us up. For me, the challenge became most difficult when I realized that life was going to continue happening to me and would not wait for me to get my shlit together. So I got my shlit together. And began facing the life I had made as a drunk. Only then, did things begin to turn around for me. Over the last two years, there have been many positive changes in my life. Being able to look myself in the eye (with a mirror) led to cutting myself some slack. I saw the real me in myself, but on the outside I was pretty beat up. Eventually I started to like myself again. That took a lot of soul searching and even more self-forgiveness. Positive things began to happen but only after I became comfortable in my own skin. Only after I had some distance between myself and my last drink. I was promoted at work. That has now led to ownership in the company I worked for. From the ashes of my failed marriage, I found that love is real and available for me. As “they” say, first I had to love myself. Its cliché I know. But nevertheless, it’s another truism. My kids are once again a huge part of my life. They actually came back very early on. I’m very lucky for this. It helped me rebuild. There’s actually much more I can share and more I can say about my experiences over the last two years. This is running quite long (as usual) so I will stop soon, I promise. There’s one more piece of business first.
I know the details of my story, the path I have followed, the certain amount of luck that has been with me, and the outcome I am currently enjoying is not the same for everyone. I’m so sorry about that. I hope that if you are reading this rather long winded post from a dark place, that you don’t view it with a cynical eye. In my earlier days, I probably would have myself. Instead, maybe take a moment to consider another way. There is a better life out there. I am proof of it I suppose. It’s not easy. Quitting and staying quit is tough early on. But it does get easier. It takes time and it takes patience. It takes forgiveness and it takes work. It’s funny, but as is the truth in most things, the payoff for that struggle is entirely worth it. Two years ago I hoped with what little hope I had left. Today, everything has changed. Thank you to Sam, Jeyu, and TuTu for your recent well wishes. You all have supported me in more ways than you know. To everyone else, my cyber brothers and sisters in sobriety, I am here in large part thanks to you all. And I wish you all the best.
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Post by quitat54 on Jul 2, 2016 22:41:03 GMT -5
Hi Brett
Quite a success story. So happy to see you ripping benefits that came along with your sobriety, or because of? You have been support and encouragement to many of us - good Karma. All the best J
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Post by gwampa69 on Jul 3, 2016 7:46:44 GMT -5
Hi Brett Quite a success story. So happy to see you ripping benefits that came along with your sobriety, or because of? You have been support and encouragement to many of us - good Karma. All the best J Morning J Thanks a lot. Just about all of the negative things that happened to me happened because of alcoholism. I know in my heart that the positive things I have enjoyed are only because of sobriety. If I want that to continue (and who wouldn't??) then my best course of action is to remain sober. Congratulations on your upcoming one year sober-versary!! You deserve a celebration. Be sure to check in when the day arrives.
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Post by slimkim on Jul 3, 2016 23:09:52 GMT -5
Wow Brett. That was a great post spoken straight from the heart. It really helped me today. Thanks for taking the time to write it and congratulations on your 2 years. Way to go!
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Post by gwampa69 on Jul 4, 2016 14:04:37 GMT -5
Wow Brett. That was a great post spoken straight from the heart. It really helped me today. Thanks for taking the time to write it and congratulations on your 2 years. Way to go! Hi Kim You're welcome and thank you as well. Of all the people that have passed through in the last couple of years, I have to say that you are the one that I marvel at the most. Its because of your tenacity. You simply don't give up. That fight is really inspiring. The only thing I can think of that will be more inspiring is when you gain the traction you need and get some time behind you. It will happen. Keep on trying and it will.
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Post by slimkim on Jul 4, 2016 22:23:09 GMT -5
Hey Brett, That was such a nice thing to say. You are right I never give up. All you guys are so positive and inspirational. That's what I believe makes this forum different from others and still the best.
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Post by gwampa69 on Jul 5, 2016 18:11:53 GMT -5
Hey Kim Just got home from work and checked the forum. I normally do that several times per day when I have a minute or two. You're right about this forum. Something about the other sites just doesn't seem to resonate with me. Maybe they are too busy and I feel kinda lost. That's ironic since I am usually the one harping on about this place being too slow. I wonder if maybe part of the issue is people look in but maybe they don't feel like they have anything worth saying? In my experience, it seems like the short and sweet posts seem to generate the most discussion. So maybe I should learn to keep it brief!
Glad to see you back.
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Post by slimkim on Jul 6, 2016 0:08:10 GMT -5
Hey Brett, One site I had 2 guys who were just out to crack onto me straight off! We seem to have lots of viewers here but no talkers. I get lost on other ones as well, too many names to remember or even figure out their story. Hope you had a good day at work.
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Post by Mark_LA on Jul 6, 2016 0:52:55 GMT -5
Hey Kim, just to say that I agree with Brett that recovery WILL happen for you if you want it badly enough. It took me 7-1/2 years from when I first seriously realized I really needed to quit until I actually was able to do it for real. I do sometimes wish I had those 7-1/2 years back -- along with the brain function I lost during that time -- but that's the way my journey was supposed to unfold. I had to keep drinking until I was done, and I wasn't done 'til I was done. May you be done soon! All it takes is truly wanting with your heart and soul to stay sober more than you want to get drunk -- and then doing whatever it takes to keep it that way. Simple, but not easy. Keep trying and one day it will click -- maybe today!
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Post by angelina1512 on Jul 6, 2016 1:20:38 GMT -5
Hey Kim, just to say that I agree with Brett that recovery WILL happen for you if you want it badly enough. It took me 7-1/2 years from when I first seriously realized I really needed to quit until I actually was able to do it for real. I do sometimes wish I had those 7-1/2 years back -- along with the brain function I lost during that time -- but that's the way my journey was supposed to unfold. I had to keep drinking until I was done, and I wasn't done 'til I was done. May you be done soon! All it takes is truly wanting with your heart and soul to stay sober more than you want to get drunk -- and then doing whatever it takes to keep it that way. Simple, but not easy. Keep trying and one day it will click -- maybe today! Hey Mark, i agree. Recovery will happen if you want it badly enough. Sometimes your done drinking, when your done drinking. simple really. Easy no, but nothing is simple. do you still have problems with your brain function, or has it improved? i have noticed 2 years and a bit that now I remember exactly what I say. It took a while but it's much better. tutu
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Post by slimkim on Jul 6, 2016 3:00:37 GMT -5
Hey Mark and Ang, I think I want it badly enough this time. My doctor told me that I have to stop now before I do permanent damage to my liver. My liver enzymes are 3 times normal. I have to go back in a couple of weeks for a recheck of them. It could take 3 months to return to normal. The next stage for me is having to go to hospital because some other organ starts complaining. As for triggers, that was well-said Mark. Learning new ways to cope with stress will be a big one for me.
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Post by Mark_LA on Jul 6, 2016 10:46:49 GMT -5
Hey Kim, just to say that I agree with Brett that recovery WILL happen for you if you want it badly enough. It took me 7-1/2 years from when I first seriously realized I really needed to quit until I actually was able to do it for real. I do sometimes wish I had those 7-1/2 years back -- along with the brain function I lost during that time -- but that's the way my journey was supposed to unfold. I had to keep drinking until I was done, and I wasn't done 'til I was done. May you be done soon! All it takes is truly wanting with your heart and soul to stay sober more than you want to get drunk -- and then doing whatever it takes to keep it that way. Simple, but not easy. Keep trying and one day it will click -- maybe today! Hey Mark, i agree. Recovery will happen if you want it badly enough. Sometimes your done drinking, when your done drinking. simple really. Easy no, but nothing is simple. do you still have problems with your brain function, or has it improved? i have noticed 2 years and a bit that now I remember exactly what I say. It took a while but it's much better. tutu Hi Tutu: Nice of you to ask about my brain issues. I'm impressed that you remembered -- see, your memory is better than you thought! I still have foggy and disconnected periods, and I still can't do certain things, but overall it's much better than it was. I have mostly good days with an occasional bad day here and there, as opposed to having mostly bad days with an occasional good day here and there during my first year or two sober. Only just recently, I was easily able to learn a computer program that had me totally stumped when I tried learning it 3 years ago shortly after getting sober for the last time. It felt good to have a concrete example of my progress. Glad to see you're doing well too!
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Post by Mark_LA on Jul 6, 2016 13:23:57 GMT -5
Hey Mark and Ang, I think I want it badly enough this time. My doctor told me that I have to stop now before I do permanent damage to my liver. My liver enzymes are 3 times normal. I have to go back in a couple of weeks for a recheck of them. It could take 3 months to return to normal. The next stage for me is having to go to hospital because some other organ starts complaining. As for triggers, that was well-said Mark. Learning new ways to cope with stress will be a big one for me. The key for me was not in being fearful of worsening consequences if I continued to drink, although that was certainly one factor. It was in recognizing that I really did want a better life for myself, and in being willing to put in the effort and endure a period of discomfort in order eventually to reap the rewards of the better life sobriety would bring.
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