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Post by gwampa69 on Sept 9, 2015 13:03:01 GMT -5
Hey Everybody. I have been busy lately and have recently allowed my focus to slip on my recovery. That is not to say that I have drank or anything like that, but I have noticed my mood and approach beginning to migrate back towards the negative. That's not a safe place for a guy like me to travel. So I have decided to renew my commitment and share that announcement here with you all. While this has been happening, I found myself wandering the halls of the old place and wringing my hands over losing that resource. During this time, I have made some copies of some posts and threads that helped me a great deal over the last ~15 months or so. That was when it occurred to me that I should just pick up this thread where I left off and see where it leads me. It worked before so I will stick with what I know. Taking action has always been a big part of my recovery. The opposite being inaction which resulted in trouble. So my action, the things I need to do, my renewed commitment is this:
1) Always remember that drinking alcohol will only make things worse. Never better. 2) Always remember that I am not alone in this and never will be. 3) Always remember that I have come a long way 4) Always remember that while I have come a long way, my journey is not complete. 5) My sobriety must remain a priority. 6) My sobriety starts with the choices I make everyday. 7) Sobriety is about much more than not drinking alcohol. It is an APPROACH to life. 8) Remember that while my sobriety is mine and I pursue it for me, it allows me to be the person OTHERs need me to be as well. 9) Only I can make sure my last drink stays that way. No matter the situation, problem, celebration etc., alcohol is not an option for me. Nor does it have to be. I am just fine without it.
This is not meant to be an all inclusive, be all end all list. Its just a start for me. These are the things that I have focused on and learned about since the end of June 2014. But when things appear to get complicated, and the perceived drudgery of life gets to be a burden, it never hurts to boil things down to the simplest terms for simplicities sake. And taking a simple approach helps keep things in perspective, even when life tries like hell to do otherwise.
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Post by Dana on Sept 9, 2015 13:30:57 GMT -5
Hi gwampa69! I am so happy to see this thread. Like you, I have found comfort and HOPE in knowing that I am not alone on this journey. And never have to be alone again, if I don't want to be. You are right, being sober is about so much more than just not drinking alcohol. I remember getting so frustrated as time went on, it'd been a little while since my last drink, and I still wasn't 'happy' and I remember toying with the idea that I can be this unhappy when I drink so what's the point of being sober... oh I got cynical and discouraged. But I wrote about it on the forum, and I talked about it in AA meetings, and it's amazing how sharing that stuff can take the power out of it! And getting the feedback and the encouragement from people who truly cared and wanted me to succeed, it all helped so much. And sometimes even if not wanting to let people down was the only thing that kept me from drinking, that would have to be enough for that day. And it got better, slowly but surely it got better. And then it would get worse again, and then better, as long as I didn't drink and kept trying to change my attitude. So, welcome to this next chapter! Onward and Upward indeed! :-)
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Post by jeyu0422 on Sept 9, 2015 18:31:51 GMT -5
Hey Brett, I'm happy to see that you are continuing this thread on the new forum. Ditto 1 through 9 for me. I would like to add a number 10. Be thankful. I'm thankful that I am now able to deal with those inevitable little (and sometimes big) problems that accompany day to day living without the need to escape through alcohol. Being able to think through a situation clearly, without self medication, allows for better solutions to problems. In hindsight, I'm actually thankful that I became an alcoholic as well, because without alcoholism, I would have never met the friends that I have made here, there would be no recovery, and without recovery, there would be no growth as a person. I will never be recovered; I don't want to ever consider myself recovered. I prefer to be a recovering alcoholic, expecting to be a better person tomorrow than I am today, each day, and working hard allow for that possibility. Mark/Jeyu
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Post by Sam on Sept 10, 2015 15:47:21 GMT -5
Hey Everybody. I have been busy lately and have recently allowed my focus to slip on my recovery. That is not to say that I have drank or anything like that, but I have noticed my mood and approach beginning to migrate back towards the negative. That's not a safe place for a guy like me to travel. So I have decided to renew my commitment and share that announcement here with you all. While this has been happening, I found myself wandering the halls of the old place and wringing my hands over losing that resource. During this time, I have made some copies of some posts and threads that helped me a great deal over the last ~15 months or so. That was when it occurred to me that I should just pick up this thread where I left off and see where it leads me. It worked before so I will stick with what I know. Taking action has always been a big part of my recovery. The opposite being inaction which resulted in trouble. So my action, the things I need to do, my renewed commitment is this:
1) Always remember that drinking alcohol will only make things worse. Never better. 2) Always remember that I am not alone in this and never will be. 3) Always remember that I have come a long way 4) Always remember that while I have come a long way, my journey is not complete. 5) My sobriety must remain a priority. 6) My sobriety starts with the choices I make everyday. 7) Sobriety is about much more than not drinking alcohol. It is an APPROACH to life. 8) Remember that while my sobriety is mine and I pursue it for me, it allows me to be the person OTHERs need me to be as well. 9) Only I can make sure my last drink stays that way. No matter the situation, problem, celebration etc., alcohol is not an option for me. Nor does it have to be. I am just fine without it.
This is not meant to be an all inclusive, be all end all list. Its just a start for me. These are the things that I have focused on and learned about since the end of June 2014. But when things appear to get complicated, and the perceived drudgery of life gets to be a burden, it never hurts to boil things down to the simplest terms for simplicities sake. And taking a simple approach helps keep things in perspective, even when life tries like hell to do otherwise. Hi Brett, I hope you are feeling well by now, I read your post on another thread which I can't locate now about the effects of PAWS on you lately, so I'll respond here if you don't mind. I know a little bit about PAWS having suffered from it on and off for the past 25 years or when I decided to do something about my drinking to only relapse over and over again and to experience PAWS. The thing I noticed about PAWS is it's the brain's reaction trying to adjust after the flow of mind altering alcohol is cut off, all sort of things happen to the body when an alcoholic stops drinking, short term physical and long term mental. It is the mental part of course that is the hardest to deal with. PAWS can be mild to severe to even none existence, it happens to me without a warning, it is a combination of unpleasant feelings that just makes my life difficult to miserable, but with education and patience and knowing with time it will get better and eventually go away I am reassured, it is going through it that sucks but it's a price that I have to pay and I just have to accept that. Another thing I noticed with PAWS symptoms is that it can be confused for depression, I mean I can blame all my bad feelings on PAWS which includes feeling the blues, but that can be a medical undiagnosed depression I have, I don't know but I am trying to be careful blaming PAWS for every time I am feeling down or depressed or confused or can't feel or share the joys around me. As an alcoholic I learned I am complex with my emotions, and how can I not be having messed with my brain or the center of my emotions for so long, how can I expect my brain to function normal having put it through the wringer and having altered what is supposed to be the brain's natural flow of emotions and reactions? It is like I am constantly making an effort to derail a train and hen I am surprised it is not on track! All the best Brett, Sam
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Post by gwampa69 on Sept 10, 2015 18:03:37 GMT -5
SamHey Sam It's great to see you here man. Your description of PAWS fits my experience to a T. I also believe I contend with depression at different times so I am careful not to attribute all of my down days to PAWS. For many years I have feared the irreparable damage I thought I was doing to my brain due to drug and alcohol abuse. I guess I didn't fear it quite enough to stop though. Until I finally did. Glad you are here. You've helped me a lot and just did yet again.
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Post by gwampa69 on Sept 10, 2015 18:39:51 GMT -5
A bent and broken window screen has hung off my neighbors front window for over three years now. Three years. I can see it from my living room couch. I know why it hangs there ignored even though it is front and center on my neighbors house. It's right next to their front door. It's ironic that this window screen is hanging like a loose tooth on the house of a person that is a handyman by trade. He is also an alcoholic.
It's been many years since I have spoken to my next door neighbor. Most of those years were spent by myself too drunk to talk to anyone. Even a neighbor that was just as drunk as me. I knew of his troubles with alcohol mostly because his wife spoke to people on the street about it. She drove him everywhere when he lost his license. The only time he could drive was for work. At one point, I'm pretty sure he even lost that privilege.
I dont know how the window screen was damaged and it doesn't really matter. What I do know and understand is that even the simple fixes in life also became too much trouble for me when I was drinking. Things fall into disrepair quickly when you don't care. Even the easiest things don't seem worth lifting a finger. These things can stare you in the face every time you leave your house and come home again. They blend into the background and time marches on. Next thing you know, years go by and things are in a shambles. Relationships, career, finances, our homes.
Recently, I noticed his work truck in the parking lot of the local ALANON facility. I drive by it every week when I go to the grocery store. I have thought about him often and wished him well in my own mind. I have also noticed more activity next door in the last couple months. A garden sprang up, the lawn is mowed. His wife and he are outside a lot doing things people do around here in the warmer months. But that window screen kept hanging there conspicuously yet seemingly completely unseen. I was looking at that screen about two hours ago while sitting on my couch reading the forum. It hung there and I thought about what it represented to me. I haven't judged him for this. It only brought strong empathy because I understand completely.
I got up to do a few things around here. I gave Homer a bath after he found something fragrant to roll in earlier. I made some dinner and washed the dishes. I came back to the couch and sat down. Glanced over towards my neighbors and saw a ladder leaning against the house. The broken screen was gone and replaced by a new one. I don't know the last time I smiled this big.
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Post by angelina1512 on Sept 10, 2015 20:09:58 GMT -5
Hey Sparrow,
that was such a beautiful story. And I know exactly the same feeling. Just watching things slide, knowing it is or was sliding but not really caring, as long as I had my bottle.
its 42 days now since I gave up smoking. So now I have so much more time on my hands as I'm not going outside to have a smoke, things get done now.
i must admit I feel for any alcoholic that can't take control of their life. It's sad to think that so much joy is lost because of the power of that bottle.
i hope you go over to your neighbour and say " hey how ya doing?" It would be nice for them to know that you have noticed the change.
love ya
ang
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Post by Sam on Sept 10, 2015 20:31:38 GMT -5
Nice story Brett, I was waiting for you to say you fixed it for them, probably not a good idea, an active alcoholic might misunderstand a kind act like this.
Are you watching the game? Two great quarterbacks at work.
Sam
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Post by gwampa69 on Sept 10, 2015 21:00:08 GMT -5
Hey Sam I actually cut the cable two years ago so all of my TV watching is Netflix. The only thing I miss is sports, in particular football and hockey. So I can't see the two big QBs tonight. I still listen to the Tigers on the radio though (my preferred method of taking in a baseball game) even though they are like 20 games behind KC and the season is a lost cause. Oh well I'm a glutton for punishment as far as baseball goes. Great to hear from you and excellent job on that mortgage. FREEDOM. Impressive stuff.
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Post by gwampa69 on Sept 10, 2015 21:09:45 GMT -5
Hey Ang Thanks. Maybe I will wander over there and say hi. See how he's doing. Great job on the 42 days. That's 6 weeks! Holy crap. You're an inspiration. Good on ya!
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Post by jeyu0422 on Sept 11, 2015 7:37:52 GMT -5
Hey Brett, That's a good story. Perhaps your neighbor looking out of HIS front window over the last year or so has given him some inspiration to try to fix his life. You just never know. Mark/Jeyu
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Post by blueskye on Sept 11, 2015 9:59:53 GMT -5
Jeez Brett, I'm tearing up here. What a heart wrenching story, with a happy ending hopefully. You are a master story teller. That broken window screen represents so much and you brought all of that to life.
Despite being house-proud (is that a saying here in the USA, or just the UK?) and a neat freak, I let a lot of things slide when I was drinking. I have boxes and boxes of scrapbooking stuff waiting to be assembled into albums with photos. Yes, they might be neatly labeled and stacked in the garage, but the fact that they're still there eats at me. I have shelves of un-read books and yet consider myself an avid reader. Each January I vowed to get into the best physical shape of my life only to find I was exactly the same in December. I always put off phone calls to dear friends. I couldn't muster the energy for conversation. I wanted to live by the adage 'live today likes it's your last', yet I spent so much time in bed recovering from a hangover, or suffering from inertia. I cycled and rollerbladed, but nowhere near as much as I wanted. I wasted so many days, so many months, so many years. Just hanging around the house, drinking. My intention was never to get drunk. I hate the feeling of being drunk. I just drank steadily throughout the day and night. Boredom was a big factor. Not boredom as in, not having friends, or activities, but boredom from my brain being asleep. Which came first? The boredom or the drinking. Chicken or the egg? It doesn't matter.
I totally relate to your post. What an excellent story. I'm going to read it again.
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Post by Mark_LA on Sept 12, 2015 16:55:32 GMT -5
Yet another inspiring story as beautifully told by Brett!
I could be your neighbor. I’ve just recently been getting around to catching up on the home maintenance that was inevitably deferred during my drinking days. Roof, exterior paint, and rain gutters are done. This week, I’m tackling my deck.
I built my deck in 2001 near the beginning of my alcoholic adventures. In the early years of my drinking, when alcohol still worked, it somehow seemed to inspire a spate of creativity and industry. Perhaps because my inhibitions were eroded, I found myself taking on projects that would previously have daunted me. One of these was to build a redwood deck on top of, and extending beyond, a concrete patio at the back of my house. The deck came out fine, but I never touched it again. Didn’t clean it or re-stain it, and, most importantly, didn’t ever clean out the gap underneath the boards where they ran on top of the existing concrete patio.
So here we are in 2015 and I finally got around to pulling up deck boards so I could clean out the gap underneath them. I found that during the years of my neglect, dirt and leaves had accumulated to the point that the gap was completely filled, and the boards were starting to rot from underneath. I’ll have to replace most of them.
This struck me as an apt analogy to my alcoholism. As with the deck, everything looked pretty much OK on the surface of my life — a little wear and tear, but nothing immediately obvious — but underneath, it was rotting away along with my deck boards. Just as it was only when I pulled up the boards that I saw where the rotten areas were and could begin rehabilitating the deck, so too it has been only since I began pulling up the deck boards of my psyche and cleaning out the accumulated junk beneath that I’ve made progress at recovering from alcoholism and rehabilitating my soul.
I have a feeling that replacing actual, physical deck boards will be much the easier (and shorter) project!
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Post by gwampa69 on Sept 13, 2015 7:15:40 GMT -5
Jeez Brett, I'm tearing up here. What a heart wrenching story, with a happy ending hopefully. You are a master story teller. That broken window screen represents so much and you brought all of that to life. Despite being house-proud (is that a saying here in the USA, or just the UK?) and a neat freak, I let a lot of things slide when I was drinking. I have boxes and boxes of scrapbooking stuff waiting to be assembled into albums with photos. Yes, they might be neatly labeled and stacked in the garage, but the fact that they're still there eats at me. I have shelves of un-read books and yet consider myself an avid reader. Each January I vowed to get into the best physical shape of my life only to find I was exactly the same in December. I always put off phone calls to dear friends. I couldn't muster the energy for conversation. I wanted to live by the adage 'live today likes it's your last', yet I spent so much time in bed recovering from a hangover, or suffering from inertia. I cycled and rollerbladed, but nowhere near as much as I wanted. I wasted so many days, so many months, so many years. Just hanging around the house, drinking. My intention was never to get drunk. I hate the feeling of being drunk. I just drank steadily throughout the day and night. Boredom was a big factor. Not boredom as in, not having friends, or activities, but boredom from my brain being asleep. Which came first? The boredom or the drinking. Chicken or the egg? It doesn't matter. I totally relate to your post. What an excellent story. I'm going to read it again. Hey Blue Yeah that window screen really made an impression on me over the years. Its funny how stopping drinking allows things around us to come back into focus. Things that are there but not noticed, or at least not noticed for what they really represent. You and I are very much alike with the drinking at home boredom thing. Being a closeted drunk, my goal was to drink without anyone noticing so that meant expending a lot of energy being drunk but acting sober. I too have many started, yet uncompleted projects around my place. Little by little I will get things squared away and finished. "Done and dusted" as our Aussie contingent would say.
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Post by gwampa69 on Sept 13, 2015 7:28:49 GMT -5
Yet another inspiring story as beautifully told by Brett! I could be your neighbor. I’ve just recently been getting around to catching up on the home maintenance that was inevitably deferred during my drinking days. Roof, exterior paint, and rain gutters are done. This week, I’m tackling my deck. I built my deck in 2001 near the beginning of my alcoholic adventures. In the early years of my drinking, when alcohol still worked, it somehow seemed to inspire a spate of creativity and industry. Perhaps because my inhibitions were eroded, I found myself taking on projects that would previously have daunted me. One of these was to build a redwood deck on top of, and extending beyond, a concrete patio at the back of my house. The deck came out fine, but I never touched it again. Didn’t clean it or re-stain it, and, most importantly, didn’t ever clean out the gap underneath the boards where they ran on top of the existing concrete patio. So here we are in 2015 and I finally got around to pulling up deck boards so I could clean out the gap underneath them. I found that during the years of my neglect, dirt and leaves had accumulated to the point that the gap was completely filled, and the boards were starting to rot from underneath. I’ll have to replace most of them. This struck me as an apt analogy to my alcoholism. As with the deck, everything looked pretty much OK on the surface of my life — a little wear and tear, but nothing immediately obvious — but underneath, it was rotting away along with my deck boards. Just as it was only when I pulled up the boards that I saw where the rotten areas were and could begin rehabilitating the deck, so too it has been only since I began pulling up the deck boards of my psyche and cleaning out the accumulated junk beneath that I’ve made progress at recovering from alcoholism and rehabilitating my soul. I have a feeling that replacing actual, physical deck boards will be much the easier (and shorter) project! Hey Mark That is an apt analogy If ever heard one. In the early days, when I was really "ramping up", the first few drinks also brought out a creative side of me as well. But alas, my drinking always became the focus of any event. The more I drank, the faster I drank, so I usually (always) ended up much drunker than I had intended with a half built table, half weeded garden, half trimmed tree, etc..That's not to say that I didn't occasionally get something done but that was the exception not the rule for sure.
Your deck of redwood story brings back a flood of memories from my childhood. My grandparents lived in a redwood house. Very rare for Michigan. My Gramps built the house after seeing plans in a Popular Mechanics magazine in the 1950's. I remember him telling me the story of that "California Style" house and how it captivated him. Many wonderful memories of that house and my grandparents. Thanks for your story buddy. Lets keep tearing up the rotten deck boards.
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