Day One - What's next . . .

[Pam]

Sept. 24th

1) Made the decision to stay sober.
2) Joined online group.
3) What's next?


Decided to reflect on this portion of my journey . . . (Nov. - March)
Best place . . . Stories or Journals section

[Pam]

Sept. 24th

Note to self: Reread this post written by Ron in 12 Steps section. . .

Highlighted and underlined, etc. within Ron's post - PT
Rereading this several months later and highlighting again from Ron's post . . .


STEP ONE: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol– that our lives had become unmanageable.

WE… This process is not going to be done in isolation. I have to do the work myself, but not by myself.

We are like the passengers of a great liner the moment after rescue from shipwreck…The feeling of having shared in a common peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 17)

Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. (Ecc. 4:9, 10 NASB)

One man may hit the mark, another blunder; but heed not these distinctions. Only from the alliance of the one, working with and through the other, are great things born. (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)

…admitted… From the dictionary---declared to be true; acknowledged the existence or reality or truth of; allowed entry (as to a theater).

This is the first action we are asked to take, and among the last actions I was able to take. There is more to this admission than saying words out loud. For a long time I was admitting to others that I was powerless over alcohol, but not admitting it to myself. I was saying it more for the sake of argument, or to hurry things along so that I could move on to something more palatable to think about. I was clinging to the idea that eventually I would be able to drink again with impunity. That idea might have been buried deep in my subconscious, but it was there and stronger than any conscious reason I might have had to quit drinking. Simply stated, I was not done drinking.

When I finally understood what this admission meant, I found I was admitting more than that I was alcoholic and therefore powerless over alcohol---I was admitting that the chips were finally down, that I couldn’t handle it and that I needed help. In another sense of the word, I finally admitted (allowed entry of) the truth into my head that I was alcoholic and could not drink---ever.

Who cares to admit complete defeat? Practically no one, of course. Every natural instinct cries out against the idea of personal powerlessness. It is truly awful to admit that, glass in hand, we have warped our minds into such an obsession for destructive drinking that only an act of Providence can remove it from us. (Bill W.)

Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. (Ephesians 4:25 NASB).

One of the hardest things in this world is to admit you are wrong. And nothing is more helpful in resolving a situation than its frank admission. (Benjamin Disraeli)

…we were… Please notice the tense; it’s not “We are.” We were, but are no longer. As the subtitle of the book Alcoholics Anonymous says, this is “The Story of How Many Thousands of Men and Women Recovered from Alcoholism.” Again, ‘recovered’ is past tense and the action final. I consider myself a recovered alcoholic.

…powerless… This has my vote for the most difficult concept in the program for the newcomer to realize, as well as the most misused and abused concept in the hands of the program’s detractors. First let’s think about what it doesn’t mean:

It does not mean that I was incompetent or helpless, or that I had no power at all. I was not crippled, frail, impotent, feeble or unfit, nor was I weak or worthless. None of these synonyms for ‘powerless’ apply to the type of powerlessness we’re discussing here.

I was powerless in the sense that I did not have the tools I needed to overcome my obsession with alcohol. If I had two boards, a couple of nails and nothing else, I would be hard-pressed to join the boards together. I could desire that the boards be joined together with all my heart, I could pray that they be joined, I could say daily affirmations that the boards are in fact joined together, and, most importantly here, I could muster up every ounce of willpower at my command to force the joining of these two boards, but none of these things would have the power to drive the nails through the boards and cause them to be joined. I would be powerless to join the boards, but I could not be said to be worthless, weak, unfit, etc. I’d just be in need of a hammer to help me. And if I had never driven a nail through wood using a hammer, I might need to find someone who did have experience with driving nails with a hammer to show me how it works.

Such is the nature of the powerlessness spoken of in Step 1. My desire and my willpower, great as they may have been, were not enough to overcome my obsession anymore than they would be enough to join those two boards together for me. I sure spent a lot of time attempting to use my willpower, though. I tried harder; I made commitment after commitment; I was bound and determined; all for naught. I had to become honest enough with myself to accept the fact, admit it into my head, that I was powerless over my obsession. Acceptance is the principle behind the first step and self-honesty was the key I needed to unlock it.

Our admissions of personal powerlessness finally turn out to be firm bedrock upon which happy and purposeful lives may be built. (Bill W.)

For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. (Rom 7:15 NASB)

Drinking was my way of saying “No” to powerlessness. (rjim)

…over alcohol… This reduced to a set of one those things over which I was powerless, defined and kept me focused on the problem at hand. My immediate concern was my drinking. Others may be powerless over their caloric intake, or a different drug, or gambling, or whatever, and the plethora of 12 Step fellowships addressing these different issues indicates to me that the Steps have wide, if not universal, application to our human frailties, but drinking was my most pressing problem. As they say, “Shoot the gators closest to the boat!”

Some would say that alcohol is an inert substance, and therefore saying we are powerless over it is the height of folly. Aside from alcohol being far from an inert substance as I understand inert substances from my high school chemistry classes, this is mere semantics! While I was drinking, I was powerless over my obsession to drink. Saying I was powerless over alcohol may not be as specific or accurate, but it contains enough of the truth of the matter to convey the general meaning, and the anecdotal evidence presented in 12 step rooms indicates that it effectively communicates the idea to a wide assortment of fellow sufferers.

As active alcoholics, we lost our ability to choose whether we would drink. We were the victims of a compulsion which seemed to decree that we must go on with our own destruction. Yet we came to believe that alone we were powerless over alcohol. (Bill W.)

If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that some day we will be immune to alcohol. (Bill W.)

Why do you spend money for what is not bread, and your wages for what does not satisfy? (ISA 55:2 NASB)

We admitted we were powerless over others -- that our lives had become unmanageable. (CoDA)

We admitted that we were powerless over food -- that our lives had become unmanageable. (OA)

We admitted we were powerless over lip balm -- that our lives had become unmanageable. (Lip Balm Anonymous) {<G> Look it up!}

…that our lives had become unmanageable. Strangely, or perhaps not, I considered my unmanageable life the reason I drank! No, I had no problem understanding that my life was unmanageable. And now I see that life is inherently unmanageable whether we be alcoholics or ‘normies.’ The Steps have given me a way to live happy, joyous and free in the face of life’s unmanageability.

Such is the paradox of AA regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one’s old life as a condition for finding a new one. (Bill W.)

The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken. (Samuel Johnson)

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. (Attributed to various Chinese philosophers. Pick your favorite and begin the journey!)

[Pam]

Hi, pt. Welcome to the forum.

What's next depends a good deal on how much you've been drinking, how often, and how long it's been going on. In the first 7 days, give or take, the body is getting rid of the alcohol and it's metabolites---detoxing. This is a critical time and dangerous. We can die from alcohol detoxification. Seizures are common, as well as sky-high blood pressure, stroke, and other neat stuff. If you haven't already, I suggest talking to a doctor to learn about your specific condition. If you can't or won't do that, at least make sure there is someone you trust with you during this first week.

Stay close to this forum, too. Read what's been put up here so far, join in to any conversation when the spirit moves you, ask any questions you may have, and just generally feel at home. (Think of us as one big, really spread out, dysfunctional family.)

I see you've already found the Step one post. Are you considering going to AA (or have you been there before)? I happy to see this kind of motivation, but for the next week, just concentrate on letting your body get used to not having booze in it.

Glad you're here!

ron

[Pam]

Sept. 26th

Day 3:
Goals:
Stay busy inside and outside of the house.
Reread and highlight section of step for question
Continue reading AA book

I haven't read the AA book recently . . . however, the lessons are reflected in the posts of the members of the forum. (Nov. - March)

[Pam]

Sept. 26th

1) We are like the passengers of a great liner the moment after rescue from shipwreck…The feeling of having shared in a common peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 17) (Ron's 12 Steps post)

This is a reminder that I am not alone as I continue to focus on sobriety. (PT)

2) When I finally understood what this admission meant, I found I was admitting more than that I was alcoholic and therefore powerless over alcohol---I was admitting that the chips were finally down, that I couldn’t handle it and that I needed help. In another sense of the word, I finally admitted (allowed entry of) the truth into my head that I was alcoholic and could not drink---ever. (Ron's 12 Steps post)

There is no other option: I can not drink. (PT)



*I'm glad have the option of a forum.  Going to a meeting would not be easy . . . it's always an option but not my first choice (Nov. - Dec.)

[Pam]

Sept. 26th

3) I was powerless in the sense that I did not have the tools I needed to overcome my obsession with alcohol. If I had two boards, a couple of nails and nothing else, I would be hard-pressed to join the boards together. I could desire that the boards be joined together with all my heart, I could pray that they be joined, I could say daily affirmations that the boards are in fact joined together, and, most importantly here, I could muster up every ounce of willpower at my command to force the joining of these two boards, but none of these things would have the power to drive the nails through the boards and cause them to be joined. I would be powerless to join the boards, but I could not be said to be worthless, weak, unfit, etc. I’d just be in need of a hammer to help me. And if I had never driven a nail through wood using a hammer, I might need to find someone who did have experience with driving nails with a hammer to show me how it works. (Ron's 12 Steps post)

This analogy applies to my previous efforts. Time for a new strategy. (PT)


*Although I have so many months (technically) under my belt . . . I am still aware that days and weeks of daily stress impact my mood . . . (Nov. - March)

[Pam]

Sept. 26th

4) For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. (Rom 7:15 NASB) (Ron's 12 Steps post)

This is going to be a daily ritual and I will need to be mindful of my moods and my response to the individuals and situations that reduce my commitment to sobriety. (PT)

(Nov. - March)

[Pam]

Sept. 26th

5) And now I see that life is inherently unmanageable whether we be alcoholics or ‘normies.’ The Steps have given me a way to live happy, joyous and free in the face of life’s unmanageability.

Such is the paradox of AA regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one’s old life as a condition for finding a new one. (Bill W.) (Ron's 12 Steps post)

*I have no control over what someone is going to say or do.  I can only learn to manage my response. 
**I must find a way to move beyond feeling constantly on guard - I want to live happy, joyous and free in the face of life's . . .
***Focusing on my firm decision to say no to alcohol will require "action." (PT)


(Nov. - March)

[Pam]

Sept. 26th
Step 2: Reposted from the forum written by Ron . . .

Highlighted and underlined, etc. by me . . .


There lives more faith in honest doubt, believe me, than in half the creeds. (Alfred, Lord Tennyson)

I don't think anyone needs to be overly concerned if, at the outset, they have problems with belief in a Higher Power, or doubts concerning what that HP may or may not be able and/or willing to do for us personally. Just going through the Steps with rigorous self-honesty should be enough to bring you to some kind of understanding, bring enough faith, to get the promised result.

By now you've probably noticed that the Steps are numbered consecutively from 1 to 12. Because of this, and the fact that they're called steps in the first place, it's natural to assume that they were meant to be taken in the order given. This may well be what the Founders did, and meant, but my reality was that after I had gotten a half-assed handle on Step 1, this next step (along with Step 3) presented a major hurdle for my unbelieving mind. I spent years trying to find some way to interpret, reword or just plain ignore them. In the end, and after several detoxes that required hospitalization, a few seizures, and one honest-to-God near-death experience, I decided I didn't have the time to fritter away on a couple of steps. I shelved Steps 2 and 3 and jumped into Step 4. Essentially I worked Steps 4 through 11 before I really grasped Steps 2 and 3.

My point is that although the Steps are numbered the way they are, it is not absolutely necessary that they be worked in that order. I suppose that since there is a fairly rational sequence to them, it may be wise, and easier, to work them as laid out if you can. I could not. So a lot of what I share about Step 2, and later Step 3, will be from an understanding that came after I had dealt with the other steps.

Step Two: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. *I already believe*

Step 1 brought me to an understanding that my life was unmanageable and that left to my own devices I was powerless to do anything about it. So the next question was: Where's the hope? Step 2 suggests that I look for a power greater than myself. Ok, let's look at it.

Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves... The founders (at least not all of them) did not start with belief, or firm conviction; they came to a belief. This is reinforced in Step 12 where it says, “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps...” Their spirituality, their belief or faith, came after the steps were taken. I might have saved myself a little time if I had understood that all that was really being asked of me in Step 2 is that I be open-minded enough to allow for the possibility that there is a power greater than myself that can deliver the goods. And when I ask myself the question, “Is there a power greater than me?” it seems pretty ludicrous to answer “No” regardless of whether or not I have any kind of clear idea what the heck it might be.

...could restore us... Here again, I'm only asked to be open-minded enough to allow for the possibility that this HP, or God if you prefer, has the power to help me and is willing to do so; an actual belief in such a thing can wait until later. I needed to open my mind to the two ideas that there was a power greater than myself and that this power could restore me. Step 2 doesn't promise that I will be restored, it just asks me to be open to the possibility. Therefore, the operating principle behind the second step for me is open-mindedness.

...to sanity. Insane?....You callin' me insane?....You wanna piece of me? Bring it on!” That was pretty much my attitude for a long time. But really, it was pretty insane to continue trying to find ways that I could drink when I knew the inevitable, predictable result would be more chaos and unmanageably than before. The analogy of the jaywalker on pages 37-38 of the book, Alcoholics Anonymous (the Big Book or BB), makes it pretty clear. I t really is insane behavior---going back to the bottle again and again, each time thinking I'd be able to control it and knowing each time I'd end up worse than before.


It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning. (Bill W.) Emphasis original

...I do believe; help me in my unbelief. (Mark 9:24 (NASB))

The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes. (Marcel Proust)

[Pam]

Sept. 28th

From Ron's post: 12 Steps

Highlighted and underlined by me. . .

Step 4 is about discovering what there is in our make-up that is blocking us from a power that we all have within us, shading us from the sunshine of the spirit. In the words of the book Alcoholics Anonymous, “…it [our decision in Step 3, which I hadn't made] could have little effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.”

Once we identify these things, then we can face up to them, own them, and let them go. We can’t let go of what we don’t know we have, nor can we give up what we do not own.

*I like this word choice by Ron - ". . . sunshine of the spirit."




**Letting go of the anger, resentment, and fear, . . .  is not easy. (PT)

***It will get a bit easier with time . . . 

[Pam]

Sept. 28th

From AA book . . . (Chapter 5)


"We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. . . . If we were to live, we had to be free of anger."

Goal: The past is the past. . .

"Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes."

Task:
Honest reflection on my decisions and their effects.
(start here)

[Pam]

Sept. 29th

How awesome is rest and reflection?
I went to sleep not quite sure of this process. Woke up and felt . . . that's okay.
I spent the day working and meditating or just thinking about what sobriety means during my down time. I didn't get into reflecting on the past. . . Too much to do at work for that sort of thing . . . even during lunch. Next step: Reread. . . again - Chapter 5. Then, set up the chart and choose a quiet place to start the process this weekend. No rush. . . Whatever I accomplish in the time frame between cooking and cleaning, etc.

[Pam]

Quotes about letting go of the past:

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could.

Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can.

Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson