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Post by Sam on Nov 9, 2015 17:49:34 GMT -5
I now like it when I drive thru a DUI (driving under the influence) checkpoints....just so I can say....I don't drink officer!
They usually say.....you don't? Let me see your driver license and registration!
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Post by Sam on Nov 9, 2015 18:07:22 GMT -5
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Post by angelina1512 on Nov 9, 2015 18:33:48 GMT -5
Hey Sam,
loved that one.
LOL LOL.
tutu
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Post by Dana on Nov 12, 2015 12:23:35 GMT -5
I was incredibly self-absorbed, although I never thought so until I got sober and took a good hard look at my motives for doing things. For example, I was a member of a local service club - certainly a very commendable charitable thing to do. And not just a member either - at various times I served as secretary, treasurer, committee chair, even president - why? Because it's commendable... I appear responsible and civic minded... It's a good thing to do, the right thing to do. And I could use it to mask my insecurities, to show 'the people' how selfless I was, and to be able to reward myself at the end of a project or fundraiser with a drink, or oblivion.
It was exhausting though - it was part of that double life I was living. It didn't matter how much good I/we were doing for our community, the self-loathing and self-pity ran deep. I didn't know it was because of alcoholism. I just knew how I felt about myself and I didn't want anyone else to know how ugly I was on the inside. I remember having a harder and harder time trying to keep up the charade. And I was absolutely positively sure that it would be easier for my loved ones to mourn my untimely death than to learn what a phony I was. I fantasized about 'accidentally' driving off a cliff. It couldn't be suicide - I didn't want to leave them with that. I didn't have the guts anyway. But I did start to make arrangements (in my own way) for life around here to go on without me. I resigned my position in the club, making sure to be helpful to my replacement and make it a smooth transition. Then I canceled my membership, under the guise of having other interests and not enough time for everything. Which was partially true actually - that was about the time my soccer days were coming to an end, and I had immersed myself into the cycling team, doing charitable rides for different non-profits. Speaking of soccer, I'm reminded of my favorite tee shirt from back in the day that read: "My drinking team has a soccer problem." Oh I thought that was a hoot and a hollah!! But I digress... The part that wasn't true is that I could have easily had time for both endeavors had I not wanted it to interfere with my drinking. And although I wouldn't have been able to articulate the reason why - I felt it, and I felt guilty, and so I drank. More. and More. Without regard to how it affected anything or anyone around me. 'I'm not hurting anyone but myself' is one of the biggest lies I've told.
Jumping in to AA and getting a solid sponsor, and working through the steps as suggested as a program of recovery... I think that really helped kick it into gear for me. Having a sponsor to encourage me from the very start to look at my part in stuff, and to check my motives, helped me to heal sooner rather than later. It was not easy to look at that stuff, and there were times I wanted to throw in the towel and say "NEVERMIND!!" (but with much more profanity). But I knew that if I didn't keep moving forward, that would mean I'd go backward, and that dark self-destructive path that I was on... I was terrified of it. So dark. I didn't want to go back there.
I can still be pretty self-absorbed, but I'm working on it! I still think things have to do with me when they really probably don't. I know now to pick up the phone and reach out to someone new and ask them how their day is going - I know that can quickly get me out of my head. I usually have a much more serene and peaceful day when I'm not focused on me me me all the time.
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Post by gwampa69 on Nov 12, 2015 15:02:40 GMT -5
Hey Dana That was a really great post. I respect your honesty in sharing that darkness. I can totally relate to what you are saying. Putting up a front to cover my drunken spiral. Trying to mask the pain and live a lie was exhausting on its best day. Thank you for the reminder of what that really was like. Not someplace I intend to ever revisit. Life is so much better outside of that excruciating world.
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Post by quitat54 on Nov 13, 2015 23:57:13 GMT -5
Hi Dana
Great post. Hiding ugliness we believe to be is very stressful. I needed to relieve that stress. Inability to accept the stress, and always seek an escape was always my problem. I have been sober for over 3 months now and don't think of alcohol in stressful situations. But my brain is still conditioned to look for something to relieve whatever that is. To escape. I usually do it through TV or internet. I have always been a gym rat so working out provides temporary escape and not very fulfilling. The mind is still unoccupied during workouts or running and wants to wonder. I have meditated for a long time, not very disciplined at it though. I am still working on myself and my ability to accept stress. Just take it like a pain without pain killers. I am not there yet, but I don't drink to take it away.
J
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Post by Dana on Nov 14, 2015 9:56:33 GMT -5
(((( quitat54)))) HUGE congrats on over 3 months sober now. That is awesome!! I know what you mean about wanting to escape. I sometimes overindulge in food, usually junk food, because it tastes so good, I don't want the flavor to stop and I get that fullness in my belly and then the feeling of being too full and wishing I hadn't done that. It's always something. Trying to fill that emptiness inside and it usually happens when I am not spiritually fit - prayer and meditation don't come easy for me. I have to really work at it.
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