venting about life, close to my rock bottom...

[arc1183]

I first became an alcoholic around 2014, ended up with 2 DWIs, joined wellness court, a "sober court" where I regularly attended court ordered AA meetings and out patient treatment.  I did fine with that, had no relapses and graduated.  Now, I am married as of 8/ 28/ 20, and have 2 step sons.  I do work full time, but since i' ve been off probation, I had been increasing my alcohol use. My husband doesn't even like to drink, but he doesn't want to tell me what to do, so when I ask him if it's ok if I have a drink, he just tells me that i'm an adult and can make my own choices.  I know that's not a "yes" but my addicted brain takes it as a "I don't care if you have one"... I have been going out with my friends drinking more lately. At home, I have been sneaking drinking and hiding bottles around my closet, and on a couple occasions, my step sons came home to me passed out drunk on the couch. I wanted a drinking buddy so much that I stayed with a girl friend over the weekend and ended up cheating on my husband with her. I tell myself every time that I shouldn't drink because I know once I have one, I can't stop. I know it's wrong but I feel the addiction so strong, that I end up drinking anyway. we rent our house now and just signed to buy a house 3 hours away from where we live, just so I can go back to college.. now and after everything I have messed up, he threatened to divorce and how I just tore this family apart an lose it all. I am so broken and feel so guilty and shameful. I can't stop messing up and don't know how to stop. I'm hoping this forum can help me stay motivated to stay sober, I have been in AA and ready to try something new.  thanks for reading.  

[Mark_LA]

Hi arc1183,

As you can tell, this forum isn't active anymore, but I'll share in the briefest of nutshells what I've learned about sobriety over the years I was an active participant here, as well as in other recovery venues.

Never mind AA's 12 Steps for a moment. Let's boil it all down to three:

1. In order to stop drinking, first you must STOP DRINKING.

2. In order to stay stopped, you must WANT -- with every fiber of your being -- to be sober MORE than you want to be drunk.

3. In order to have any chance at lasting and contented sobriety, you must be willing to do whatever it takes and make whatever changes are necessary to keep Step 2 (above) your top priority at all times.

Like they say: simple, but not easy. You can break the deadly cycle, but it starts with you taking action to regain control of your executive functions that have been lost to alcohol. That means staying sober -- one day at a time. Remember, no one ever woke up in the morning wishing they'd gotten drunk the night before!

Help is out there if you look for it. Coming here was a good effort, even if this site is no longer active. There are other online recovery forums you might give a try. One I've used is called "Sober Recovery."

Good luck, and please post here again to share how you're doing. I'll be checking in here from time to time.