Post by Scarlet on Oct 5, 2019 21:36:01 GMT -5
It's been a long time since I've posted anything. So let me fill you in on what's happened since.
I went to a dual outpatient program, and I did really well there. I started that August 19th, and my last day was this past Monday. I'm so glad I did it. I feel so much better. I know that alcohol is a depressant, but I thought that it was the only thing that could help me to be happy some of the time. My depression and anxiety have decreased tremendously! I never would have believed it while I was drinking.
I finally came to believe that I truly AM an alcoholic. All these years later, and I finally realize that I am. It proved fruitless to continue to believe that I wasn't. What caused me to realize it? It was a thought that I had as a child, which I had mostly forgotten. Being sober for a little while, my memory is clearing up. I had to of been in fourth or fifth grade. It was recess. I remember standing outside thinking to myself, "God, I just wish I was 21 so that I could drink." I hadn't used any substances before this time in my life. It finally occurred to me that normal kids don't have these thoughts.
So here I am. My sobriety date is 8/19/19. I have made proud and relieved many people's worries. I have everyone's support. But...
It's a lonely place when you start getting sober. When you get out of IOP. I'm alone again. In being sober, I came to realize that the main reason I started cutting/using/drinking was to feel like I belonged somewhere. That sense of belonging is now gone again, and the temptation to join my old drinking life increases.
I don't want to go back to it. When it came down to it, I was miserable. But I don't belong anywhere now. It feels like the earth is desolate, and I'm wandering on my own just trying to survive.
Anyway, thank you for reading this. Light and love. One day at a time.
-Scarlet
I went to a dual outpatient program, and I did really well there. I started that August 19th, and my last day was this past Monday. I'm so glad I did it. I feel so much better. I know that alcohol is a depressant, but I thought that it was the only thing that could help me to be happy some of the time. My depression and anxiety have decreased tremendously! I never would have believed it while I was drinking.
I finally came to believe that I truly AM an alcoholic. All these years later, and I finally realize that I am. It proved fruitless to continue to believe that I wasn't. What caused me to realize it? It was a thought that I had as a child, which I had mostly forgotten. Being sober for a little while, my memory is clearing up. I had to of been in fourth or fifth grade. It was recess. I remember standing outside thinking to myself, "God, I just wish I was 21 so that I could drink." I hadn't used any substances before this time in my life. It finally occurred to me that normal kids don't have these thoughts.
So here I am. My sobriety date is 8/19/19. I have made proud and relieved many people's worries. I have everyone's support. But...
It's a lonely place when you start getting sober. When you get out of IOP. I'm alone again. In being sober, I came to realize that the main reason I started cutting/using/drinking was to feel like I belonged somewhere. That sense of belonging is now gone again, and the temptation to join my old drinking life increases.
I don't want to go back to it. When it came down to it, I was miserable. But I don't belong anywhere now. It feels like the earth is desolate, and I'm wandering on my own just trying to survive.
Anyway, thank you for reading this. Light and love. One day at a time.
-Scarlet