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Post by Scarlet on Jul 30, 2019 21:33:04 GMT -5
I know that I drink too much. I know that I am an addict of other things. But I'm not an alcoholic. I readily admit that I am easily addicted to many things, but I won't admit that I'm an alcoholic because I truly don't think that I am. Even though all logic is against that.
Through a couple of unrelated events, I'm now a thirty-year-old that had to move back into her parents' home. Into her old room. Some things have changed, but I love this room. It's my own personal isolated world. A decade ago, it used to be vodka. Now it's just beer. But that's better, isn't it? It isn't the hard stuff.
I know that it's difficult for my parents to see their youngest like this, but it's been difficult for me to not be in oblivion. Coping skills... I hate that phrase. I'm not sure why. It makes me feel like an idiot when others say that I "don't have good coping skills." I'm not a complete idiot. It makes me feel okay, and I'm still alive, aren't I?
They brought it up again. How I have to do something. Go to treatment. Something. I'm drinking too much. I don't want to. I'd rather just crawl into a dark corner and die. I'm so tired.
"I'll figure something out..." That's all I usually ever say. I'm so tired constantly; it doesn't matter how much I sleep. I could sleep for eternity, and it wouldn't be enough.
It's always rough this time of year, especially this year. July 19th 2019 marks a decade since I lost her (Cedar). It's the only thing that I can't write about without crying. On the anniversary, I tried something different. I had a "floating" session. It's where you rent a room for however long that includes a pool which has the proper buoyancy so you float effortlessly. It was really neat, only $30 for an hour. I would like to go back sometime, but it wasn't any kind of life-altering breakthrough for me. But it was nice.
I don't know what I'm doing. I'm at an impasse again. AA didn't work for me. I was never able to get comfortable enough in the group meetings to be able to share. I'm tired of not being able to give my family any lasting results. I always seem to slip back into a desire of apathy and oblivion.
I'm such a loser/failure.
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Post by jeyu0422 on Jul 30, 2019 22:42:50 GMT -5
Scarlet, A true desire to change your life is the first step in making that change. AA works for many, but not all. If it didn’t work for you, there are many alternatives available. Reading through many of the threads on this forum might give you some ideas. Your family doctor should be able to direct you to some sources as well. For years I suffered through periodic bouts with depression, made much worse by my self medication with alcohol. I can tell you from experience that my method was not the way to go. I could make no progress toward a peaceful and happy life with alcohol being a big part of it. It was out there, I just had to break the grip that alcohol had on me to be able to find it. I hope you dedicate the time and effort into finding a way to successfully reach a place where you are healthy, both physically and emotionally. At 33, you should have many happy years to look forward to in life. Change is possible if you truly want it. I wish you the best. Mark/Jeyu
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Post by Mark_LA on Jul 30, 2019 22:42:51 GMT -5
Hi Scarlet and welcome!
Seems like you're having trouble determining to what degree, if any, alcohol is contributing to the problems in your life. If you are indeed not an alcoholic, as you claim, then it should be a simple matter to run an easy test: go a set period of time -- say 90 days -- without drinking, and see how things look then. 90 days without even one drop of alcohol, no matter what. Should be a piece of cake, right? After all, you're not addicted, right?
If you're like I was at this stage of the game (and I'm guessing you are), the idea may fill you with a kind of crawling horror. How on earth are you supposed to face your problems and your parents and your grief and your feeling like such a loser/failure without your go-to "coping skill?"
Here's the secret, and it's one which at this point you will have to take on faith: alcohol is the cause, not the solution. The solution is sobriety. It took me many long years of misery and repeated relapses before I was able to stay sober long enough to discover this simple truth. Many of my perceived "problems" -- including feeling like a failure and effectively living in a self-created jail cell just like you're doing -- went away on their own after I was sober for long enough. The rest took some hard work, but eventually I was able to develop real coping skills that enabled me to face "life on life's terms," as they put it in AA.
It's really quite simple, and best expressed in a saying that made the top-ten list here back in the days when this forum was more active: "If nothing changes, nothing changes." If you stop drinking, there is at least a chance that things might get better for you. If you continue to drink, the chances are zero.
When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, we'll be here to help you through the difficult times. Hope you come quickly rather than slowly to the decision to give sobriety a try.
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Post by Mark_LA on Jul 30, 2019 22:43:50 GMT -5
Sheesh, years without posting and then we both post within the same minute!
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Post by jeyu0422 on Jul 30, 2019 22:45:13 GMT -5
Must be a sign!
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Post by jeyu0422 on Jul 30, 2019 22:59:02 GMT -5
Oh, and Scarlet, one more thing. Mark_LA is one of my heros. I posted here out of desperation trying to make it through one night without drinking. That was on April 22nd, 2014. Mark was one of the people who first responded to my post. I tried to follow his advice and that of others here. I wanted to find for myself what they had found, sobriety. I made it through that night, and the next, and the next..... It was anything but easy, but I’m sure glad I made the decision to become sober.
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Post by angelina1512 on Jul 31, 2019 3:34:55 GMT -5
Hey Scarlet, welcome to the forum. You have been welcomed by both Marks, and both have given you great advice. This place was also my saviour, 5 and a half years ago. It’s not easy, but I can tell you each day you go without is a huge step.
Mark LA, 90 days. Give it a go. He helped many of us get to where we are now, sober and loving life. You need to get out of the corner you are stuck in, life is sooooo much better. Give yourself a chance, no alcohol, 90 days and each one of us will be here to help you.
im in Australia so my timing is really bad but the others are here when I’m not. We can help you, but you must want it, more than you want to drink.
so here we are. Let’s help you,
angelina aka tutu.
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Post by PJ on Jul 31, 2019 15:30:48 GMT -5
Hi Scarlet,
You have some bigtime soul searching to do. Lots going on in your life, lots of self-loathing, lots of self-doubt. All those things are normal because you're a human being. But what you need to face head-on is that no matter what's going wrong in your life, alcohol will make it ten times worse.
And please understand that alcohol is alcohol. Saying beer isn't as bad as hard liquor is a form of denial, and I think you've reached a point where you want badly to be honest with yourself. And once you are, you'll be on the road to a healthier, happier life.
Keep talking to us. And welcome.
PJ
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Post by igotaclue on Aug 1, 2019 12:59:31 GMT -5
Doing the same thing to fix our problems is just madness. A first step is to know what causes the madness is a huge step. Many people drink because of not knowing how to deal with past issue. Dealing with issues is not something a skill we are born with. We learn this through parenting, whether it is good parenting or bad. Just because you choose to abuse yourself does not mean you are a failure! Reaching out to all resources and trying to find one that fits your needs is important. Talking to your doctor, finding a counselor even finding a mentor that you admire will all help in your journey. We having a saying in my household, take each minute, each hour, each day and live in that moment. Do not look back because their is nothing you can do to change it. Do not look forward because there is no way to predict the future. We are only in control of the moment we are in. I wish you the best in finding a way to save yourself. Life is so much fun and worth living once you love yourself enough to enjoy it. Hugs Clue
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Post by Scarlet on Aug 3, 2019 22:41:36 GMT -5
Hi Scarlet and welcome! Seems like you're having trouble determining to what degree, if any, alcohol is contributing to the problems in your life. If you are indeed not an alcoholic, as you claim, then it should be a simple matter to run an easy test: go a set period of time -- say 90 days -- without drinking, and see how things look then. 90 days without even one drop of alcohol, no matter what. Should be a piece of cake, right? After all, you're not addicted, right? If you're like I was at this stage of the game (and I'm guessing you are), the idea may fill you with a kind of crawling horror. How on earth are you supposed to face your problems and your parents and your grief and your feeling like such a loser/failure without your go-to "coping skill?" I can't seem to be able to message you... Hey Mark, I don't know if you remember, but you commented on my first post which I made last week. You're right. The idea of 90 days without a drop, it's pretty much the most boring horror movie ever for me. It's really difficult to go through one night without a drink, let alone 90 of those nights. It feels so insanely boring. I just get so bored. Even if I'm watching or doing something, it's just so boring. I'll stay in my room for the most part outside of work. I have an older dog and a relatively young dog that are downstairs at that time, but I can't even get enough joy from that to be down with them. I don't enjoy doing anything it seems, if I'm not doing it while working my way towards getting drunk. Just. So. Bored. But yeah. I've had it said to me in other ways as far as "go without it this long...", But seeing the actual words makes it go through to my brain more effectively. Then I'm able to process that as an actual scenario. I can't. I just can't. Not as I am right now anyway. I get so insanely bored that my insides are just screaming at me. I am currently, since the post, trying to get into some intensive outpatient care. It's really hard to get ahold of a screener. I have it requested that when someone is available to call me, but it's an hour long call and I can't take it when I'm at work. But I'm trying, and I really want to get in. Thanks for listening, Scarlet
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Post by Scarlet on Aug 3, 2019 22:44:07 GMT -5
Thank you everyone. I've listened to all of your input. I'm surprised as many commented as they did. Thank you. I am currently now trying to get accepted into an outpatient facility. We'll see how it goes. I'm really hoping that I get in. Again, thank you all.
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Post by igotaclue on Aug 4, 2019 15:27:39 GMT -5
Hi Scarlet! Your right not drinking is boring. I used to stare at the clock waiting for a decent acceptable hour to start drinking so I could fall asleep to make time fly. I was given some good advice which really helped me. First thing in the morning I wrote in a journal about what I was feeling about myself. Then I wrote about what I was grateful for. When I was lonely or wanting a drink I wrote in my journal about why I thought I felt that way. I came here and read everything about how others were feeling. As the days past my brain became to become clearer and I could see in my journal that my thinking was beginning to become stronger. My stronger personality became to slowly take charge. I began to realize that I was 2 completely different people one a drunk and second a sober person and had to decide which one I (HAD) to be. I went to AA and it did help, I stopped drinking and made it through the horrible withdrawals and mental ups and down with their help. The most important thing for me was getting counseling! I had to except that blaming others for my choices was only me to blame. Getting through that and wanting to care about myself slowly was achieved. Rehab is great but after you leave it you have to follow up with keeping your emotional positive thinking. Stepping into the real world will throw you a lot of curve balls and your first thought will be to take a drink. That is when counseling and AA was important for me. I know that when I was where you are now my only thoughts were how can I live a happy life with out booze or drugs. I would have to not hang with my friends when they wanted to party. The very thought of giving that up made me feel very lonely and afraid. I will not ever lie to you, it will not be easy, probably the hardest thing you will have to face except death. That is your true option, drinking will bring a horrible painful death in the long run. These people on this site also will be here for those who really want support. We have been here helping others for quite a few years. We have all been in your shoes and have helped each other find sobriety. One thing I can tell you is we do not ever bull#### each other and have learned when we are by newcomers.. We may be harsh at times but it is always filled with love and respect. Keep coming back if you seek true friendship during your lonely times. Hugs to you Clue.
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Post by jeyu0422 on Aug 4, 2019 17:59:09 GMT -5
Clue, Such an excellent post!
Scarlet, Actually, over time, you can be in a position to be around alcohol comfortably without drinking. I think Clue has an excellent idea, keep a journal. I kept mine on the old forum. I would post many times during the day. In fact, initially, I would post every time I was desperate for a drink, many times daily, and make myself just one promise; that I wouldn’t drink until someone responded to my post. I kept that promise and inevitably got enough support to make it through the daily crises of confidence. Believe us when we tell you that a better and happier life can be yours, but only if you are willing to kick alcohol out of your life forever. I’m sure your doggies would appreciate it as well! Mark/Jeyu
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