Day 1 . . . Again

[hope4me]

Forty years of pretty steady drinking . . . I am done . . . again.  

I started drinking when I was 14, but didn't get really bad until my late teens/early twenties. I've quit many times in the past, for a week here, two weeks there. Three times I actually tried really hard and the longest I've made it is 8 months. That was 16 years ago. But I must do it this time. I want to do it this time.

Although I've been able to hold down a job and am considered to be a success at my chosen career, I've been missing more and more work this past year and letting my responsibilities slip-slide away, missing deadlines, just in general not giving a sh*&. But I don't want to lose my job (5 years to retirement!). I want some self-respect. I want to regain my health.  I don't want to hide from life any longer. I don't want to spend the remaining years of my life in an alcoholic haze. I may have 20 more years if I'm extremely lucky. The reality is more likely to be less than that and how do I want to finish this life? Certainly not like I have been living.

I can't let the guilt of a wasted life keep me from quitting. I can't let the guilt and shame of what I've been responsible for overshadow what I truly want. Which is sobriety.

It's going to be a rough road. My brother and sister are alcoholics. My dad a former alcoholic who is exhibiting signs of dementia. My mother is getting more and more dependent on others for help. One of my grandsons is starting to go down the same road I did at that age and I'm scared half to death of his propensities for addiction, depression, and crazy-making. My adult daughter doesn't drink, but she does smoke marijuana as much as she can. My son drinks, although how much, I'm not sure as he lives a couple of states away. An almost-grown granddaughter smokes marijuana. I don't think the other grandchildren are having such issues, but again, they live out of state, so it's hard to know for sure.

This is the legacy that is passed down from generation to generation. My father's mother was a closet alcoholic. I only saw her drunk once, but I didn't even know what was wrong with her until much later as I never saw her take a drink the entire two days I was with her. I couldn't smell it on her either. That was how good she was at hiding her drinking. My father's stepfather had a mental illness that he received shock treatments for. Grandpa spoke very little to his family members, going for days and weeks without saying anything to anyone. His illness and my grandmother's alcoholism affected all of the boys and my father ended up on the wrong side of the bottle . . . and he got mean in the later years. One of my father's brothers was a horrible, raging alcoholic up until a handful of years before he died. An uncle on my mother's side committed suicide after years and years of substance abuse. In J's case, it was heroin. My mother's father was an abusive drunk and my mother's temper when I was a child was legendary. Although my mother never took up any serious drinking, she has her own issues with food, money management, and cigarettes.

My husband is also an alcoholic and has not made the commitment I have. We've been together 30 years. I'm not sure what the future is going to bring, but I'm not going to make any decisions about the relationship until I get a solid year of sobriety in. My husband is a loving man. He is not violent or angry. He's a huge help and support to our family, in spite of his drinking. I love him and want to make it work with him, so I guess I'll just have to see how things go. When I've quit drinking in the past, he drinks less and doesn't get obviously drunk, so maybe it'll be okay. I just don't know at this time.

Anyway, I know this is a bit disjointed, but I wanted to get something out there before I chickened out. I am proclaiming my commitment to quit drinking.

[Deleted]

Hey Hope4me,
Welcome to the forum. That's great that you've decided to pursue sobriety and put down the drink. Congratulations on making that decision. I think it is good you have decided to give up now before you start facing any serious health issues. Are you a binge drinker or daily drinker? That's one very sad story about your family. It sounds very dysfunctional which could be why you are drinking yourself plus the genetic factor. Are you suffering any withdrawals? If so you may need some medical help. I don't know what to say about your husband as I couldn't live with another alcoholic. I can't even have it in the house without drinking it. There are other people on here who live with drinkers so they may be able to give you advice. Have you ever tried AA? I attend meetings twice a week and find it helpful. Anyway, all the best for day 1, I reckon the first 2 days are the hardest. Let us know of your progress and come here whenever you need support. I'm on here about twice a day if you need help.

[Pam]

Hi Hope4Me,
Welcome to the forum.
Glad you've made the commitment to sobriety.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Everyone you encounter here is sincere and cares about
your progress.
Hope you continue to log in and share or
simply read the stories that may inspire or strengthen you 
when you struggle.
Take care.
Pam

[achilles1957]

Hi Hope and welcome to the journey,
You surely sound determined and of course there is hope 4 you, hope and determination for all of us. Judging by your signature at the end of the post, AA is or has not been for you. I've been going to meetings these past few months, not many but perhaps one a week, and I struggle with the higher power aspect of the programme. Depending on my so-called willpower/personal power has let me down over the decades, which is why I've been going to some meetings, reading the literature etc ... desperate fear of returning to yet a death-defying binge.

I've always believed, and still do, that only I can fix or help me. The difference these days is that I am beginning to "accept" that only I can do it .. but perhaps I don't need, or can't, do it alone. I'm seeing a wonderful doctor who I've completely opened up to about my issues, I talk to him once a week and I can't express what a good feeling it is just to talk, face to face, with someone without fear nor judgement.

I so hope you can find the strength not to "chicken out" of your commitment ... I'm pushing sixty and have been in denial for ever so long ... I figure I deserve to be free of this voluntary insanity for good.

Take care for today,

Jenn

[jeyu0422]

Hi Hope and welcome to the forum.

It's never to late to start living a new life. I'll be 61 this month, a few years from retirement as well, but my true birthday is April 22, 2014. That's the day that I finally, after many attempts for many years (ditto the first several lines in your post), quit drinking and began a new life. The propensity for addiction is in my genetic makeup as well, but it can be overcome. My recipe for sobriety has been to borrow from anyone and anything, keep what works, and discard what doesn't. Most of the recovery tools that I have kept have come from members of this forum.

I'm one of those people who Kim mentioned. My wife and many in my family still drink. Some, well actually most, are alcoholics. I have been around alcohol every day since I quit. I honestly think that has made things a little easier for me; I quit in an environment that I will ultimately be exposed to anyway.

I have said many times before that I was successful this time because I knew in my heart that it was now or never for me. You seem to have that same desperation. I hope it serves your quest for sobriety as well as it has mine.

I wish you the best that sobriety has to offer.

Mark/Jeyu

[angelina1512]

I don't visit as much as I use too but I saw your post and thought I would also post. Like Jeyu/mark my husband drinks! it doesn't bother me! at first he would drink without " putting"  it in front of me.

i am also sober 2 years in March. At the start it isn't easy, then nothing first off is. Like giving up smoking. I gave up 5 months ago and still have days when I struggle with it, but the urge comes and goes. I won't let it get the better of me.

im 56 this year. I was a heavy drinker, morning till night before I eventually said enough was enough. An old saying here is, " your done drinking when your done drinking" you have got to want to give it up more than you want to stay who you are at this moment.

all I can tell you with the help of this forum you can do this. It might be quiet but there is always someone around. I now can go to the pub have a coke enjoy myself and not even think about it. Stay busy, stay focused. One day at a time. Look in the mirror and be proud that you know what you have to do.

life is so much better without it. The problems don't change in life it's just now how I deal with them, sober. 

Good luck.

angelina/Tutu

[hope4me]

Thanks to everyone for your support and kind words. I have made it a week and wonder of wonders, my husband hasn't hardly had anything to drink either. Just one day while I was at work, but not enough to be drunk. So, small victory for us.

The weekend was tough, particularly in the afternoons when the boredom sets in and lack of imagination on other alternatives keeps my mind in a cage. But I made it through the first week and I'm very relieved, if not exactly happy. Once I get a few weeks of sobriety in, I'll have to tackle the dysthymia I've lived with since I was 13 to keep from sliding back into drunken despair.

To answer a couple of the posters, I do not believe in a higher power, or god, or God, or anything like that. I tried to when I was younger (late teens through late 20s). I studied various religions, went to different churches, investigated spirituality and Eastern philosophies, but I just cannot buy into it. Whether that's a failing on my part or not, I don't know. All I know is that I alone am responsible for my sobriety, or lack thereof.

That said, I do appreciate all of you taking the time to comment on my post. I thought about getting on here yesterday when the craving was particularly bad, but I went outside and watched birds instead. The day was mildly warm and the sun was shining, so it helped my overall mood. My husband and I did go for walks in the morning along the river over the weekend, so that was a nice change, although I can certainly tell how out of shape I'm in from the last few months of completely ignoring my health.

As for the rest of my family . . . dysfunctional, yes, although somehow we still love each other in spite of everything. I am worried about my sister. She is single, has an adult son and adult son's girlfriend living at home for now, but they're planning on moving out within the next few months and she'll be alone. She lost her second husband to a heart attack 20+ years ago and has never recovered from that. She stays up all hours of the night drinking alone, listening to music, and posting to Facebook. I've been called in the middle of the night and early in the morning when she is frantically crying and at her wit's end. I don't know what's going to happen to her when the kids move out. I've tried talking to her about at least getting to bed earlier, but it didn't take. I'm hoping that once I can get myself onto a solid track of sobriety, and she can witness the positive changes in me, that she will at least think about cutting back on her drinking, if not stopping completely. I know she is responsible for herself, just as I am responsible for myself, but I do want to be a source of inspiration and comfort if I can.

Anyway, yay for me on a week. Here begins week 2.

I hope y'all have a wonderful day and thanks again!

[Pam]

Hey Hope!

Good to see you. I think God would agree that your sobriety is entirely up to you
Really glad you had a good weekend.

Take care.

Pam

[Deleted]

Hey Hope,
That's great news about one week sober. Congratulations! Its great about your husband as well. Maybe seeing you has inspired him to do something about his own problems with alcohol. I still find a problem with boredom and my mind being in a cage as well. Its great that you are out walking. I got sober once purely by walking off all my stress every day. Sorry to hear about your sister but I think you are spot on with regards to your sister that if she sees the change in you she will be inspired. Anyway so glad you made it through withdrawals and the first week.

[achilles1957]

Hi Hope,
Yes Yay for you, before you know it you'll be done with week 2. For me, time seems to heal my wounds... the "built-in-forgetter" creeps in and after a few months I have begun to tell myself that it wasn't that bad.. this time will be different .. blah blah blah. It's imperative for me to remember the absolute horror and despair I felt when drinking ... I tend to minimise the bad/negative generally in my life (which isn't such a bad thing) but when it comes to drinking, minimising/forgetting could be fatal.

I don't believe in an interventionist deity and have struggled with AA as far as "taking what I need and leaving the rest". I do feel a deep connection with my earth and its life force. That "connection", that one consciousness/energy, is the seat of power and strength for me. When I drink, I lose my contact with myself and my surrounds ...
or .. when I lose my contact with myself and my surrounds, I drink. I just have to work out which comes first and how to prevent it.

Your sister is suffering terribly, must be so difficult for you too ... I guess your sobriety is the best gift you can offer her right now.

I wish for many more sober days to come for you and those who love you.

Take care for today,

Jenn