Alcoholism is a progressive illness, it gets worse never better.
First, it was fun with my buddies in my twenties, a few beers and much laughter. I was left alone needing to drink more for those good times, I tried hard liquor for a more powerful effect, and slowly drank alone. Now I am a drinker and must feed my addiction, but I have responsibilities, I must find a way to mask my drinking while I appear a normal drinker.
I, now realize I had a problem I couldn't share with anyone, I am shame filled and I own my own problems, always have and always will, no sharing, no weakens I said.
I progressed more in my addiction to alcohol, I could no longer hide my addiction, may be to others but not to those close to me, I am exposed and must explain to those that did not know.
An alcoholic is pretty much alone in his/her world of sickness, not too many understand that, it is a lonely illness.
As an alcoholic I worked so hard to hide my drunkenness, I needed to be drunk, it was in my genes. How to satisfy my addiction and go on with my life, I worked hard for that, and I succeeded for the most part, I mastered manipulation, but the trick was all on me!
Post by achilles1957 on Jan 13, 2016 3:56:18 GMT -5
So true Sam, I thought I was fooling my children...mum would disappear to her room for a few days (sore back, sinus infection blah blah blah), thought I was hiding it so well. I'd reappear, believing my battered soul was well hidden ... they tell me that they always knew and felt such a sense of helplessness, and dissappointment that I wouldn't be honest with them with regard to my suffering. They could see the loneliness in my eyes, such loneliness can be overwhelming in itself.
It's so sad to see someone suffer and not be able to help them. I need to forgive myself for putting my kids through that ... we NEED to forgive ourselves and make no room for shame.
Hope you're doing well Sam. I love your "funnies".
Post by achilles1957 on Jan 14, 2016 17:06:50 GMT -5
Yeah I get that Sam, I look back sometimes and wonder ... I guess that because I've mostly been a binge drinker, I've many years/interludes between drinks that allowed me to constantly rebuild .. only to destroy once again, rebuild... Although there's certainly reasons to regret, I've learnt and disciplined myself not to. I figure that if I'd done anything differently, I wouldn't be where I am today. Any small change, whether viewed as good or bad, could have altered all that has happened not only to me but all and everything that has been affected or could have been.
I don't know if you've seen a movie called "the Butterfly Effect"? (the first one.. the sequels weren't a patch on the first one with Ashton Kutcher). Not a great movie but I liked the concept of cause and effect. It showed the repercussions of altering just one small thing. A bit of a parable for me.. a lesson ... "no room for regret" and "loosen my grip on the reigns".
My kids are far from perfect, but I like who they are, I respect them as fine human beings which is a real gift. The unconditional love goes without saying, but I really like them as well which is a huge bonus. I choose to believe that they are who they are because of 'everything' that they've experienced .. the good, the bad and the ugly. They've learnt a lot from their parents good and bad behaviour, and their own, and I need to be comfortable with that.
I'm grateful that I didn't fall down whilst drinking, hit my spine and end up .... ?? Today I have the clarity to see that everything "just is" ... I can only alter my perception and do my best in this moment.
Some days are better than others..that's for sure. ;-)
Hey Sam and Jenn, I get filled often with shame and regret. I seem to carry it all the time. I'm nearly 49 and feel like I stuffed up 4 years of my kids lives and now wasted another 9 years in drinking a lot of the time. I wish I had got the message sooner. I think I have finally got it after going to AA again last night and starting preparation for my course. I know I've said this a million times but there is no hope of me completing my course if I drink because of the effect on your memory or so I was told by my psychiatrist. I'm currently doing the entrance exams and passed the English one and later today are doing the Maths one. Of course I don't have the same intelligence as when I was 25 so its going to be hard work. My point is why did I waste 9 years after losing my kids by just sitting around grieving and drinking? I have no answer to that. The people in AA last night said they had no regrets; maybe they have learnt to let it go. I have many. Anyway time to move on and forget the past as I can't change it only the present.
Another way to look at it is I wouldn't be what I am today had I not been an alcoholic, I probably wouldn't feel others suffering had I not gone through it myself, I am more sensitive and willing to help others because of my illness, I also appreciate all that I have having seen what others have lost, some everything. A case of the glass half full or half empty.
I'd like to think alcoholism has a purpose and it's not all bad.
Hang in there Kim, you have a goal of finishing your studies, and as you said won't happen if you continue to drink, make it a motivator to work in your advantage. 49 is still young, and you have the rest of your life to look forward to, sober.
Sam, Kim, Jenn, and All, Long ago, on this forum, I heard the phrase grateful alcoholic used by someone as a self description. At the time, I was pretty new to this sobriety thing, deep into self-blame and guilt, and pretty much considered the phrase total BS. How anyone could be thankful for alcoholism, I had no idea. It's beginning to make a lot more sense to be now. As Jenn mentioned, in effect, The Butterfly Effect. Sam, I know a former poster could dish it out, especially in your direction, but I now understand the "delivery system" he espoused, and yes, I am now beginning to feel grateful. For everything. mark/Jeyu
Last Edit: Jan 14, 2016 21:03:59 GMT -5 by jeyu0422
Post by achilles1957 on Jan 14, 2016 22:09:23 GMT -5
Kim, I know that you suffer with shame and guilt and that's awful for you. It's all very well for me to say that I'm grateful and wouldn't have it all any other way ... I haven't lost what you have and I feel very sad for you. I believe that you can change a lot of that by doing things that make you feel proud of yourself ... like you're doing now !! If you stick with your plan and remove alcohol as an option under ANY circumstances, your self-love will grow and with that growth, you will be more likely to attract "healthy" relationships, particularly with men. ;-) Good luck in those exams! You can do it !!
Sam I totally agree with what you said. You are such a kind-hearted man with a deep soul ... perhaps it takes suffering to enable one to "feel" other's suffering, I don't know. Some folks become hard and embittered, others become sensitive and empathic... a dilemma to be sure.
Mark, I'm not understanding the correlation between our ex-poster's "delivery system" and "living a life of gratitude". Do you mean "you have to be cruel to be kind" sort of thing ? You sound well Mark, has your "house full of Aussies" quietened down yet ?
Post by achilles1957 on Jan 14, 2016 22:15:59 GMT -5
Oh Rosemary, I didn't see your post while I was typing. Are you alone and withdrawing? Please let us know how you feel. We've all suffered at the clutches of alcohol and have felt the desperation when trying to quit. You can talk about anything you choose ... you will get the support you deserve. Be kind to yourself.
"Mark, I'm not understanding the correlation between our ex-poster's "delivery system" and "living a life of gratitude". Do you mean "you have to be cruel to be kind" sort of thing ? You sound well Mark, has your "house full of Aussies" quietened down yet ?"
Jenn, "Do you mean "you have to be cruel to be kind" sort of thing"
No, not at all. The "delivery system" that I was referring to was not the former poster's, but alcoholism itself. In fact, his delivery, in my opinion, completely obliterated a message that had, in many instances, significant credibility. He did, however, have a saying that I now understand about alcoholism being a "delivery system". I'll look for the quote.
"I believe that alcoholism is a delivery system into spiritual reality which is the only reality. Therefore, alcoholism is the cure for that of which is purported to be the disease. Alcoholism has a purpose and the purpose is recovery." Whether these were Icon's original words or not, I don't know, but for ME, they were original. Where he failed to communicate his message, again in my opinion, was in his poor delivery. A good message that is never heard is of little value. I saved another quote as well.
Found it too......
"Humbleness is a state of mind with no ego, no arrogance, no fight, and without pre-conditions." These are Sam's words at the beginning of a thread he started on the old forum.
The unlikely union of these two quotes has guided my sobriety.
Last Edit: Jan 15, 2016 14:29:05 GMT -5 by jeyu0422
Rosemary, Welcome to the forum. You say that you have fire in your soul and the will. I have to tell you, that's exactly what I started with over a year and a half ago, and that's all I started with. I was desperate to change my life and live a life of sobriety. Most of my support and knowledge came from the people here on the forum. As Jenn and PT have said, feel free to bring your struggles here. I assure you that you will find support. Mark/Jeyu