Counting Days...

[quitat54]

I just hit my 4 months mark.  This is the longest that I have been sober in a long, long time.   In the past 7 months I only had one 3- day bender and I got back on the wagon.  I feel much stronger now that I did at the end of my first 3 months.  As I was thinking about these numbers, 3 months, 4 months, 7 months.  We addicts always count, it starts with days, then it goes into weeks and months, and for the successful/determined, years...  Why is counting so important?  Whether you are one week sober or one year sober the challenge is the same -  not to take a single sip of alcohol.  Jenn wrote how she was challenged after 10 years by difficulties that her son has been experiencing.  10 years and we still need to be vigilant. But at the same time we know,  the longer we stay sober the easier it gets.  Sam wrote about the first 6 months being the toughest; he is probably right.  Even now I feel better.  When I get angry or sad or stressed I don't think of alcohol as my immediate escape, but I am not far from it.  I know that if I started dwelling on the thought of alcohol, the idea would become more and more attractive to the point that I would create so much internal pressure that I would probably give in - that is what happened last time.  I imagine that the longer I go without booze the less I am likely to think about it.  I cannot remember last time I spent my Christmas Holidays without drinking, so this one will certainly be a big challenge for me.  I am always nostalgic, to the point of being sad/depressed, around this season and the alcohol has always been a great soother for me, great escape... Because at the end this is the reason for addictive behavior -  to escape, usually it is some form of pain or discomfort.  I posted once that it does not really matter why we drink.  Someone said that it does, that they want to know why.  I thought about it and stand by my comment.  There was a lot reasons why I drank ( and still want to) suffering during childhood, abuse, poverty, shame, depression, loneliness, failure... I could go on.  So even if I identify the cause(s) does it help me?  How can I fix the past? How can I make whole what was broken?  Self-forgiveness and forgiveness to others, letting go of the past.  So in essence it does not matter why. Will unearthing all the pain change anything?

Anyway, I want to wish to all of you, my Spiritual Family, warmth in your hearts and peace in your mind.  Have the strength to accept the past, and courage to continue this journey of freedom.  Have the wisdom to know when to let go...

J

[Pam]

There you go . . .
One day at a time!
Well done.
pt

[Sam]

Congrats on 4 months sober J, I am sure you know this and I don't have to remind you, but it does get better with time. Recovery is wonderful and I am reminded of that everyday, often times I look back at how my life was when I was drinking and appreciate my recovery even more.

To know that you and I are in the minority that found our way out of addiction and that the majority of alcoholics don't have what we have makes me feel lucky, and I don't like to use the word lucky, because luck has nothing to do with it, but in the bigger picture I am lucky, and as bad as things were for me for many many years I am very fortunate, and I am well aware of that and very thankful and a grateful alcoholic.

All the best,

Sam

[gwampa69]

Hi J

Congratulations on 4 months! I am an advocate for counting or not counting. Whatever works for the individual in the "heat of battle" or "heat of surrender" is what works and that's what matters. Period (in my opinion anyway).

I'm sorry if the looming holidays bring about feeling of despair, depression etc. It can be a really difficult time for many as you said. One year ago today, my wife and kids moved out ahead of our divorce. Needless to say it was a tough holiday for all of us. I know in my heart that booze would have made a rough situation worse. I believed it then and I believe it still. I know it to be completely and undeniably true.

Job well done. I always look forward to reading your posts when I see the Yoda pop up. If your avatar is any indication of your film preferences, tomorrows opening of the new Star Wars flick should make for a big day for you!

Take it easy J     

[achilles1957]

Hi J and All,
Four months is good for you particularly as it's the first in quite some time. Yes I did have twelve years sober (bar a few days here and there),mth at was after I officially gave up after 9/11/2001. However the monkey has always sat securely on my shoulder, so to speak. As fast as I think I've clobbered him into oblivion, he can begin his chatterings once again, to haunt me, remind me that there's alway "the option".

I've been thinking a lot of late .. am still rather confused .. but I've always viewed my drinking as an escape, whether it be from a reality I don't like, a reality I'd like to improve upon, etc. etc. At this moment I'm thinking otherwise. Whilst sober, I can alter my realities, my possibilities, my moods, my outcomes ... while drinking, there's no alteration, full stop. I become a powerless, soulless, robot, kept alive only by my next drink. Everything that makes me who I am is stultified into nothingness. My potential and obligation as part of this universal consciousnes has been deemed null and void. I become the body without a soul, the walking (staggering) dead. This concept is opposed to everything I hold as valuable.

Alcohol is the antithesis to growth, to connectiveness, to the gods, to all that holds our truths (no matter what they be). I don't "escape" reality, i just alter it into blackness, devoid of light, possibilities.

I think, as alcoholics, we hold alcohol in high esteem, something to value, It has one value alone, and that is to denounce my/our humanity, our potential, my consciousness.

These are my musing for this morning.

Take care All

Jenn

[quitat54]

Thank you Sam for you the chip.  Both you and Brett are to where I aspire to be alcohol wise.  I got tickets for next week Brett, taking my kids to see the movie.

Very thoughtful post Jenn. I agree wholeheartedly that alcohol handicaps me in so many ways. I stop being interested in things that I normally am. I am reduced to the basic with only one guiding light, which the thought of "when I am gonna have the next drink".

Such a waste of life.  Whatever connection to humanity I had is gone.  I guess you could call it reality - alcoholics reality.  Different dimension, the universe of despair and doom.  Drinking kills ability to think and create, and whatever sad-ass thoughts come up, they are that - sad ass.  Self-pity and nihilistic philosophy.  I enjoy being sober.  Even my sadness, when it arrives, is felt fully, I accept her. I feel fully the pain that she brings and that is ok because I know that it will go away.  Don't want to leave the impression that I am clinically depressed but I do get nostalgic and sad on occasion.

Do we hold alcohol in high esteem.  We probably do, as much as we curse it, when drinking, it is our constant companion that does not judge us and does not reject us. It just gradually, with increasing force, destroys us.

J

[Deleted]

Hey J,
Congratulations on 4 months. Well done and truly amazing. I like you have drunk to escape reality and then the world turns into a different reality; one of horror and heartache caused by the booze. That is my new reality now facing the past and the damage I have wrought on my family and children. I would like to get to the place where I truly enjoy being sober, atm I just feel in constant emotional pain.

[quitat54]

Hi All

Last week I have reached 6 months mark in my sobriety.  It feels really good to be sober.  I don't miss it that much.  Most of the time I don't think about it.  When the though comes in I tried to drop it and move on to something else. The trick is not to give it energy.  And when the urge/thought persists, I jump over the first 3-4 d drinks, when the alcohol rushes through the blood stream giving sense of euphoria, or relief, and I go to later stages of my drinking when it is not fun anymore.  To waking up the next day with regret and shame and feeling of hopelessness.  This strategy seems to work for me and de-romanticises the early stages of drinking and reminds me why I need to stay sober. I have these periods less and less.

Today I went to a restaurant to celebrate my son's 21st Birthday. We had nice meals. He had Martini and wine and I had a glass of water.  I did not really crave nor think of alcohol.  Quite frankly I found the smell of red wine unpleasant.

I remember often the story of Mark who described how he went to a restaurant with his family and everyone ordered wine.  At some point he caught himself contemplating and then realised what was happening and went outside with his grandson.  To me it was very powerful story and a lesson of how to do something to interrupt that pattern of craving.  I did not feel any craving tonight, but was glad when we left.  I don't go to bars nor restaurants too often.  I don't think that it is wise to put yourself in that situation in early stages of recovery, or maybe at any time if you are an alcoholic.  Don't make it anymore difficult for yourself to succeed that it already is.

Another positive thing I found myself is that I don't think of drinking anymore when I get upset.  I caught myself few times thinking..."in the old days you would rush to have a drink".  But now I don't and that makes me feel stronger.

Anyway, just wanted to share it with you.  Have a long way to go, but I am on the way...

J

[Pam]

Glad you shared.
Congratulations J. . .

Peace and happiness to you and yours.
PT