Post by achilles1957 on Dec 13, 2015 18:48:29 GMT -5
Hi All, thanks to you guys for all your encouragement, it does help. Well I went up north for a few days, away from it all. Being close to the earth has healing qualities for me. It didn't quite heal me but has allowed me to put things into a more realistic perspective.
Thanks again for everyone's kind words. I'll talk more when I'm up to scratch. I've got so much to catch up on, haven't bothered with anything or anyone for what feels like ages. Just wait till I start beating myself up on that account. :-)
Your post was very moving. Open wound that became raw again. This is what we alcoholics want to do to soothe the wound, even if it is temporary, pain killer that does not fix anything but makes us addicted, adding more pain. The biggest paradox of addictions. Escape from pain creating more pain. I have nothing to add other than many of us have felt it. I hope you get the life energy from mother earth, the pure force that does not judge but strengthens and teaches us to accept whatever comes.
I don't know Sam, but right now I'm feeling that I'm a coward. Weak, unable to handle life's situations without reverting to my crutch.
My son has been staying with me for the last month, he's not happy with his life and it's nigh on killing me. I just drove him to the airport, he's gone. My first reaction is to go for a drink, something I haven't felt in ever so long. I thought it was gone ... my desire to obliterate. It's not and here I am writing with tears rolling down my face and really, I mean really wanting it to stop. The thought of him not being happy or actually suffering is more than I can bear.... why is this so? Why do I feel such an obsession with their happiness that I can't seem to cope with the thought that they aren't. When my daughter is unhappy, it's hands on, I can't fix it but just the mere fact that I'm pro-active in fixing it allows me to feel valid. Right now I feel helplessness.. completely out of my comfort zone and ever so vulnerable. I believe I am a coward.. What do "normies" do in these circumstances...they just grin and bear it, do whatever they can and so be it. I, on the other hand, have this illusory friend that I can go to, to obliterate this ####e, let me get off the merry go round..the cowards way out. I've always thought of myself as being so strong, I'm renowned for my strength in the eyes of my children, my extended family and others in my world.. but now I feel ever so cowardly.
I feel as weak as ..
This reliance on an outside "fixer" hasn't left me Sam. I have over a decade sober/abstinent (bar 12 days) and there's something, still in my memory, dna, that tells me I can get a way out of this "moment". Today I don't want to sit in this moment, I want it to be gone and I want everyone in my world to be in their rightful place.. That in itself shows that I am seeking and demanding an existence with the gods, my entitlements and my vision of grandeur are functioning and that scares the hell out of me. I so thought I was over this ...??
By crikey I hope I feel better tomorrow.
Hi Jenn. I am sorry you feel this way. I know the feeling of feeling hopelessness, I know the thought of having a drink to numb the pain, forget what is going on and fluck it all. I did it last January. I had a couple of drinks and thank God I stopped. I saw myself getting drunk but I saw no change. Getting drunk wouldn't have resolved anything, just more pain added to the pain. I saw myself being even more useless and going back to feeling terrible because of the drinking. Was I a coward? No, a human being and when the pain becomes unbearable, being an alcoholic, the thought of numbing the pain with a drink crossed my mind. I couldn't avoid it, it just did. I had two drinks and I threw up. Was it because of my stomach or my heart, both, but I stopped, I woke up and that was the most most important. I got stronger very quickly, I understood and just accepted that there was nothing I could do and I had to go on with my life. No escaping the reality but facing it. The usual thing. Your son is not happy at the moment but he will one day. He is maybe stronger than you think, if you want him to stay strong Jenn, you must stay strong. It's life on Earth, same for all of us whoever we are. From joy to sorrow, from happiness to tears, life goes on and always with hope. I am thinking of those mothers who have lost their children killed in Paris, how do they cope with the pain? I suppose they will survive because of the ones who remain alive love them even more and need them more than ever. You're going to be ok Jenn. Give some time to those feelings to pass and you will get your strength back. A drink takes our strength away. That's all it does to us. It takes us away from the reality for a instant and we finish on our knees being the losers. Hugs Jenn. I understand your pain.
Hey Yvan, Great post about dealing with pain. I feel almost doubled over with it. I'm not tempted to drink though because you are right, it just adds more pain plus the original pain stays. Keep posting mate. You have such great insight.
Hey Jenn, I'm really sorry to hear you are doing it so tough. It must have been heartwrenching watching him get on that plane. I don't believe you are a coward. There's a big difference between thinking about a drink and taking a drink. I can't really comment about how you feel with your son just that I would feel the same if it was my child. It might take a few days to feel better, your emotions are so raw at the moment. Sending you lots of hugs from Brisbane.