Hey Ron, Thanks for your post. I do feel like I am driven a lot by fear. Its just a question of how to overcome that fear. I'm one of the 10% of the population who are born worrywarts. Maybe fear of death isn't enough to keep me from drinking. I've been pondering that, as I'm getting a lot of cravings and feel like I am in the battle of my life. I'm glad you said that anger can be a manifestation of fear. I've found that in doing my Step 4. I need to do more work on it though. I don't think Step 4 will be as hard as what I envisaged. You are right that its easier to blame someone else. My exhusband and I have been divorced many years now so I can't use him as an excuse anymore. Facing my responsibility in everything that happened with him and the kids is a big thing for me to face up to. I'll have a think on whether I'm procrastinating the start of my recovery.
Hey Sam, I know what you're saying about being honest with yourself. I think drinking drives you to be dishonest with all the hiding and sneaking around with other people and then ending up being dishonest with yourself. Step 4 will continue to be a rude awakening I think. Sorry for the delay in reply, I must have missed that one or killed too many brain cells already.
Hey Beth, I want to know but I don't want to know too much....I am afraid to go deep inside my soul and cross into dark places and make my life more complicated. Not that I have done terrible things in my life nor terrible things were done to me in my childhood, I find that if I look for something long and hard whether it exists or not I finally find it!
How is your leg? I hope you are recovering nicely.
Nietzsche said, "If you gaze long enough into the abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you."
I discovered that once I overcame my fear and gazed, there was no abyss.
I've always liked what they say in AA to keep it simple, I've always told myself to get on the road to recovery and let it happen, not to think too much about the why's and if's, to pick up the basics and get on with it. I didn't want to open a can of warms and get stuck dealing with it, I didn't feel like I needed all the answers, just enough to understand that I am an alcoholic and what I needed to learn to do about it. I thought recovery would be less stressful that way, sort of like religion, if you believe you don't need all the answers. It would've been nice had it been that way.
It wasn't however meant to be, as that's not how my mind works, there was always that nagging feeling of wanting to know, my struggle with my addiction and my recovery from it has been many things, simple is not one of them.