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Post by Sam on Sept 25, 2015 20:15:57 GMT -5
Alcoholism is progressive, meaning it it gets worse with time, that's my experience.
With time I started to drink more and feel the effects less, it took more and more to get me drunk, hard liqueur only please! Often times I wasn't even drunk, I was in between, a mellow alcoholic saturated with booze.
I have experienced how my alcoholism progressed, how my drinking and tolerance increased, I could see me heading to where I did not want to go. True, drinking is a choice, but I could not help myself for whatever reason, I was helpless to make the right choice that was staring me in the eyes.
Every time I quit it was supposed to be my last, I wanted so bad to stop, but it wasn't easy. I can say that my fear of what was awaiting me made me stop, I simply did not want to die drunk. I quit out of fear.
Sam
Edited to say after three decades of my alcoholism I still write about my experience and struggle...WTF? I sometimes think I don't get it and I am doomed, but I get it, it is staying sober and recovering that is the hardest, it is like I am built to be an alcoholic, my body and soul subscribes to being a dinker, it is in my fiber, in my DNA and I have to swim against the stream.
That is OK, but the fact remains it's do or die mofo. I accept that.
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Post by Pam on Sept 25, 2015 22:05:16 GMT -5
I quit because it was beginning to become difficult looking at myself in the mirror. You wrote, "I have to swim against the stream." I understand.
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Post by quitat54 on Sept 26, 2015 12:53:57 GMT -5
Tiring, hopeless, and distractive, psychologically and physically. An incredible waste of life. Time spent in self indulgence that gives no pleasure any more, if there was any pleasure to begin with.
These are some of the reasons I don't want to drink anymore, and some of the things that alcoholism means to me.
Maybe there is something in DNA and I am predisposed. I did not believe that, I believed in choice. I still do. The challenge to alcoholics is that the wise choice, not to indulge, is so much more difficult than the choice to drink. At the end the "why" does not really matter, does it?
J
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Post by Pam on Sept 26, 2015 13:45:48 GMT -5
The challenge to alcoholics is that the wise choice, not to indulge, is so much more difficult than the choice to drink. At the end the "why" does not really matter, does it? (from J's post)
Not so much for some, because they have progressed to that stage. For others, like me. . . It's necessary to just be sincere by saying it aloud/writing it down/admitting it. . . and . . . just moving on. . . (PT)
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Post by Sam on Sept 26, 2015 16:19:50 GMT -5
Tiring, hopeless, and distractive, psychologically and physically. An incredible waste of life. Time spent in self indulgence that gives no pleasure any more, if there was any pleasure to begin with.
These are some of the reasons I don't want to drink anymore, and some of the things that alcoholism means to me.
Maybe there is something in DNA and I am predisposed. I did not believe that, I believed in choice. I still do. The challenge to alcoholics is that the wise choice, not to indulge, is so much more difficult than the choice to drink. At the end the "why" does not really matter, does it?
J I think it does matter, what caused me to drink in the first place is part of my recovery.
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Post by bethanne711 on Sept 27, 2015 11:51:01 GMT -5
Hi Sam, it's great to see you. I agree that the reason for our starting to drink truly is an important element in beginning to come to some sort of solution. I still don't know why I started, other than the part that it took me out of myself and made me feel good. Feel sociable. Feel confidant...and the list goes on and on. Maybe I do know why after all.....Glad you're here, Sam. Beth
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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2015 17:17:13 GMT -5
Hey Sam, I'm quitting for good this time out of fear. Thanks for starting up this thread. No more relapses for me. I think doing Step 4 will help me figure out why I was drinking in the first place. I can find lots of reasons for why I turned into an alcoholic but then I end up in the blame game on my exhusband and my father who was an alcoholic or still is I suppose since he never takes a single drink for 26 years now. I think it has a lot to do with fear and anxiety for me plus stifling down emotions of anger.
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Post by Sam on Sept 27, 2015 17:19:11 GMT -5
Hey Beth, I want to know but I don't want to know too much....I am afraid to go deep inside my soul and cross into dark places and make my life more complicated. Not that I have done terrible things in my life nor terrible things were done to me in my childhood, I find that if I look for something long and hard whether it exists or not I finally find it!
How is your leg? I hope you are recovering nicely.
Sam
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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2015 17:25:25 GMT -5
Hey Beth, Great to see you back on here again. I was wondering the same as Sam on how is your leg going.
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Post by Sam on Sept 27, 2015 17:35:35 GMT -5
Hello Kim, it is OK to quit out of fear, why not? I mean the consequences of drinking are very bad all the way to death. And from what I understand health issues are not always felt or could have no symptoms, the liver for example can be damaged and I could not feel it, but it might show up in a test, which could be too late in the case of cirrhosis. It is after I quit for a while and follow a system for my recovery when fear is no longer healthy.
Step four was hard for me to do, and many others I talked to, I found however writing down random short thoughts makes the task a bit easier. It is remembering the past and having the courage to be honest that was difficult as while drinking I wasn't honest with myself and wore a mask to cover what I needed to cover to continue drinking, I did not need no stinkin honesty to interfere with my drinking!
Keep on keepin on Kim, you are making good progress,
Best,
Sam
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Post by bethanne711 on Sept 28, 2015 10:54:43 GMT -5
Hi Sam, Hi Kim, thank you for asking about my leg. It has been 7 weeks already and I still have a long way to go. The surgeon told me at my last check up to not put any weight on it for at least 6 months more ! I am using a walker to get around. It seems to take twice as long to do normal daily activities but I am very grateful for so much.
Kim, you are doing amazing ! You've really come a long way. Sam, you are as well and it's great whenever I see a post from you. I appreciate your honesty !
Beth
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Post by Deleted on Sept 28, 2015 16:36:46 GMT -5
Hey Beth, Thanks for the encouragement. 6 months is a long time on a walker but you sound really positive about it.
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Post by ron on Oct 2, 2015 3:56:00 GMT -5
Maybe there is something in DNA and I am predisposed. I did not believe that, I believed in choice. I still do. The challenge to alcoholics is that the wise choice, not to indulge, is so much more difficult than the choice to drink. At the end the "why" does not really matter, does it?
J I tend to agree with you here, J. I don't think heredity has anything to do with it, nor do I consider it a disease. I believe it is largely a culmination of choices the alcoholic/addict has made, but with a twist. I chose to start drinking and continue to drink for years. All the many times I tried to quit and failed, I chose to pick up again because the pain of living without drinking was worse than the pain of living with it. That's why it's so hard for us to choose not to drink. When the time finally came that the situation reversed and the pain of drinking became worse than the pain of not drinking, I chose to quit. The 'twist' is that when I was in the grip of the addiction, I didn't feel like I was making a choice. I felt as if my will power had taken a hike and left me in the power of the addiction. I didn't understand that I was actually making choices all that time until several years after I recovered. I agree wholeheartedly that in the end, the 'why' doesn't matter all that much. I've been gratefully recovered for around 10 years now, and I still have no clue as to my 'why'.
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Post by ron on Oct 2, 2015 4:30:11 GMT -5
Hey Sam, I'm quitting for good this time out of fear. Thanks for starting up this thread. No more relapses for me. I think doing Step 4 will help me figure out why I was drinking in the first place. I can find lots of reasons for why I turned into an alcoholic but then I end up in the blame game on my exhusband and my father who was an alcoholic or still is I suppose since he never takes a single drink for 26 years now. I think it has a lot to do with fear and anxiety for me plus stifling down emotions of anger. Hi, Kim, as Sam has said, it's ok to quit out of fear (I did, fear of imminent death by drinking) as long as you don't remain in fear. It's entirely possible that the work you do in Step 4 may shed light on the reason(s) you drank. It's more likely not to, tho. Step 4 is not designed to expose the whys of our drinking. The purpose of Step 4 is to show us just how much our life have been dominated by various fears so we can begin to live without fear. And note that anger is more often than not a manifestation of one or more fears, while anxiety is fear by definition. You wrote "I can find lots of reasons for why I turned into an alcoholic but then I end up in the blame game..." Yep, that's pretty much all it's good for, all this emphasis on 'why.' It allows us to blame someone else because it's easier to do than accept our own responsibility. It's also good for stalling, delaying, procrastinating the start of our recovery. Hey, it gave me an extra 5-10 years of drinking!
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Post by ron on Oct 2, 2015 4:39:36 GMT -5
Hey Beth, I want to know but I don't want to know too much....I am afraid to go deep inside my soul and cross into dark places and make my life more complicated. Not that I have done terrible things in my life nor terrible things were done to me in my childhood, I find that if I look for something long and hard whether it exists or not I finally find it! How is your leg? I hope you are recovering nicely. Sam Hey, Sam, Nietzsche said, "If you gaze long enough into the abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you." I discovered that once I overcame my fear and gazed, there was no abyss.
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