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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2015 9:09:18 GMT -5
Many forum discussions (at the old address) have dealt with the issue of needing to resolve one's emotional pain from the past in order to overcome alcoholism and move toward a heathier, happier future. I don't remember how much attention was focused on getting over the tendency to run away from conflicts, but learning to face them is an essential part of recovery. Here's something I saw today while reading about addiction on the Narconon site: "For an addict, dealing with conflict in his life becomes virtually impossible. It is far too easy to simply turn to drugs or alcohol and blot out the necessity for any responsibility or need to cope with any challenges or stress. When a person is caught up in substance abuse, conflict is mismanaged if it is managed at all and causes great harm to relationships, workplace skills and living a happy life." <...> "Without this skill -- usually completely lost in an addicted lifestyle -- life simply becomes a mess of unresolved problems and disagreements. Conflicts can escalate and relationships are often destroyed. Families are torn apart as the addict escapes from any discord or strife they face by turning to drugs and running away from responsibilities." Along that same line of reasoning, when someone gets sober, of course he or she doesn't miraculously know how to handle conflict. It isn't at all uncommon for a person to feel recovered in every conceivable way ... but still be ready to run away at the first sign of conflict, or even minor disagreements that could result in conflict. And that's a relapse waiting to happen. "When conflicts arise, a person who is recovering from drug or alcohol addiction must have confidence in dealing with it so he does not feel the need to hide behind substance abuse." A topic well worth exploring, I think. www.narconon.org/drug-rehab/skills/dealing-with-conflict.html
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Post by jeyu0422 on Sept 24, 2015 12:43:22 GMT -5
PJ, I agree; this is a very good topic. I think it is also important for the recovering alcoholic to, where possible, limit interactions with those individuals whose presence increases the likelihood of conflict. This is, at times, impossible, but where possible, this self-management tool allows for the gradual development of conflict resolution skills and strategies during the process of recovery. Mark/Jeyu
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2015 13:44:35 GMT -5
PJ, I agree; this is a very good topic. I think it is also important for the recovering alcoholic to, where possible, limit interactions with those individuals whose presence increases the likelihood of conflict. This is, at times, impossible, but where possible, this self-management tool allows for the gradual development of conflict resolution skills and strategies during the process of recovery. Mark/Jeyu I think it's more prudent for someone who's spent a lifetime avoiding conflict to get into therapy and start working on how to face it without being afraid. That should be the focus IMO, rather than sorting out who is "safe" to be around and whom to avoid. Otherwise, depending on the person's mood (and the particular situation), most anyone's presence could potentially increase the likelihood of conflict. Encouraging any kind of avoidance just seems counter-productive to me.
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Post by jeyu0422 on Sept 24, 2015 17:30:10 GMT -5
PJ, I think that if one has recently quit drinking, then limiting the time spent with those who regularly abuse alcohol would probably be advisable. Agreed? Assuming the affirmative, I feel the same reasoning applies here. There is a big difference between running from or avoiding conflict and limiting "interactions with those whose presence increases the likelihood of conflict." The former is reactive while the latter is simply being proactive in recovery. While therapy might be necessary in some individuals and in some situations, common sense would indicate that my suggestion could also be of significant benefit as well. I suppose getting back on that horse is one strategy; another is to pick a horse that doesn't buck. Mark/Jeyu
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2015 19:47:36 GMT -5
We'll just have to disagree about it, Mark. I don't view attempts to limit interactions with others, even those who could be perceived as "increasing the likelihood of conflict," as a viable therapeutic strategy for someone learning how to properly and healthily deal with conflict. It's just more avoidance that the person (who already has a distorted perception of conflict) could then justify. There are some good suggestions in this article, if anyone is interested in reading more about the topic. alcoholrehab.com/addiction-recovery/dealing-with-conflict-in-recovery/
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2015 19:55:16 GMT -5
Hey PJ, Great topic. Your post jumped out of the page at me when I first logged on and I thought that this sounds like me. I read the link and there is heaps of great stuff on there. I'm still in early recovery so I'll discuss it with my alcohol counsellor when I see her today. I think Conflict Resolution training would be helpful for most people but especially those in recovery.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2015 20:38:14 GMT -5
Hey PJ, Great topic. Your post jumped out of the page at me when I first logged on and I thought that this sounds like me. I read the link and there is heaps of great stuff on there. I'm still in early recovery so I'll discuss it with my alcohol counsellor when I see her today. I think Conflict Resolution training would be helpful for most people but especially those in recovery. I'm glad you found some helpful things in the article, Kim. And it's great that you're going to discuss it with your counselor. Did you see the second link I posted? That one has lots of good information. You say it sounds like you, and so many people share that. From the reading I've done, the inability to face conflict isn't at all uncommon. OMG, my ex-husband could not deal with conflict at ALL--to the point where if we disagreed about anything he would not discuss it. He wanted to drop it, supposedly to avoid a heated argument, but it was really because he was terrified of conflict. I now realize that it was a byproduct of crippling insecurity, but back then what I viewed as cowardice about drove me batty.
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Post by jeyu0422 on Sept 24, 2015 21:55:30 GMT -5
PJ, The first link wouldn't work for me, but the second one did. There are some good points in the article. It's interesting how two people with opposing views on an issue can read the same article and find support for their individual viewpoints. I especially like the last sentence, "Sometimes, both sides in an argument can be in the right and this needs to be acknowledged." Mark/Jeyu
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2015 8:31:59 GMT -5
PJ, The first link wouldn't work for me, but the second one did. There are some good points in the article. It's interesting how two people with opposing views on an issue can read the same article and find support for their individual viewpoints. I especially like the last sentence, "Sometimes, both sides in an argument can be in the right and this needs to be acknowledged." Mark/Jeyu Now you're talking about you and me and this conversation, which is a bit of a shift. I think we're doing just fine, having a civil discussion about an interesting topic. So back to the topic: In context, the statement you cited was among suggested strategies for effectively dealing with conflict. I didn't see anything that supported what you said yesterday about avoiding those who might be a source of conflict; but you're right, two people can read an article and interpret it very differently. I did see this in the article, which seems to be in contrast with what you were saying: "Ignoring the other person is not a good way to deal with conflict. This type of passive-aggressive behavior just makes everyone feel bad, including the person who is doing the ignoring. One of the real worries with this type of strategy is that once one person begins ignoring someone else, the other person may do the same. The cycle goes on indefinitely, with both parties feeling bad but neither willing to back down."
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Post by jeyu0422 on Sept 25, 2015 12:05:01 GMT -5
Hey PJ, No, no shift, at least not in my eyes. But I think this is a good example of when and maybe how to avoid a conflict. Concerning the subject itself, we simply disagree. We can go on and on quoting passages and I won't change your mind, nor will you mine. No big deal. Mark/Jeyu
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Post by gwampa69 on Sept 25, 2015 13:55:40 GMT -5
Some amount of conflict is healthy if it ends in equitable resolution. Of course every situation is different depending upon the issue at hand and the personalites of the folks involved. I would say that some amount of beating your head against the wall makes sense up to a point. After which, if you realize that the person you are conflicting with just isn't gonna budge, Or if you yourself can't see the other point of view, sometimes the best thing to do is walk away. Then ignoring the other person may be appropriate. With regard to sobriety and recovery, sometimes the other person may be a danger or threat especially if they appear insincere. Conflicting with an insincere or deceptive person makes no sense to me. Like punching a wall when you lose your cool. All that happens is you damage your own property and maybe break a hand. For what? Like I said, every situation is different. Bottom line is some folks are better avoided, in particular if they prove less than credible. It happens, unfortunately. Good topic guys
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2015 14:04:16 GMT -5
Conflicting with an insincere or deceptive person makes no sense to me. Like punching a wall when you lose your cool. All that happens is you damage your own property and maybe break a hand. For what? Like I said, every situation is different. Bottom line is some folks are better avoided, in particular if they prove less than credible. It happens, unfortunately. Unfortunately it does.
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Post by gwampa69 on Sept 25, 2015 14:12:31 GMT -5
Conflicting with an insincere or deceptive person makes no sense to me. Like punching a wall when you lose your cool. All that happens is you damage your own property and maybe break a hand. For what? Like I said, every situation is different. Bottom line is some folks are better avoided, in particular if they prove less than credible. It happens, unfortunately. Unfortunately it does. Hey I just said that! Thankfully it doesn't happen too often. Most people I run across are respectable. It was in my drinking days that I attracted less than savory types. Glad that's over and done with.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2015 15:50:22 GMT -5
Hey PJ, Great topic. Your post jumped out of the page at me when I first logged on and I thought that this sounds like me. I read the link and there is heaps of great stuff on there. I'm still in early recovery so I'll discuss it with my alcohol counsellor when I see her today. I think Conflict Resolution training would be helpful for most people but especially those in recovery. I'm glad you found some helpful things in the article, Kim. And it's great that you're going to discuss it with your counselor. Did you see the second link I posted? That one has lots of good information. You say it sounds like you, and so many people share that. From the reading I've done, the inability to face conflict isn't at all uncommon. OMG, my ex-husband could not deal with conflict at ALL--to the point where if we disagreed about anything he would not discuss it. He wanted to drop it, supposedly to avoid a heated argument, but it was really because he was terrified of conflict. I now realize that it was a byproduct of crippling insecurity, but back then what I viewed as cowardice about drove me batty. Hey PJ, I did read the article. There's lots of good stuff in there. I think we posted both at the same time and I missed the second link or maybe I'm just brain dead lol.
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Post by ron on Sept 28, 2015 4:32:03 GMT -5
Hi, all,
Learning to deal effectively with conflict is definitely essential to long term recovery. The only way I know to learn how to do this is by facing conflict head-on and learning from the outcome, be it good (keep doing what you just did) or bad (use a different approach next time).
By 'dealing with conflict', I mean mitigating it so that it does not become an insurmountable problem. I think that's what was missing in the 2nd link that PJ posted---the word 'mitigate'. All of the techniques listed there under the heading "How to Avoid Conflict" are not actually avoiding the conflict, they are mitigating it. (Note that the next section is headed "The Dangers of Conflict Avoidance".) I'll use the word 'avoidance' to mean sidestepping a conflict so we don't have to deal with it.
So, we all have to learn how to mitigate the conflict by meeting it head-on using one or more of the techniques suggested in the article, or any other technique that may be appropriate, as I'm sure that's not a comprehensive list.
But when do we need to start this learning? Seems to me that we should start as soon as our cravings have become manageable and we have a support network. I would not expect someone in their first month of sobriety to start facing the same conflicts, and therefore the same stresses, that they may have been drinking/drugging to escape. That could easily lead to an early relapse. On the other hand, waiting too long means we run the risk of not knowing how to mitigate a conflict when it inevitably presents itself to us, risking a relapse later in our sobriety.
So my thought would be to get started as soon as we're somewhat comfortable in our sobriety and we have a support network in place if things go south. Baby steps as always---work on the easier minor conflicts that occur, then keep learning to deal with the rest.
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