Post by angelina1512 on Nov 6, 2015 18:31:31 GMT -5
good to see you posting. I think when you first wrote about the DP, it hit home with me, and I'm sure it hit home to a lot of others as well.
Maybe we all need to make more of an effort to get back to posting, even if we don't feel like we have much to say, it might be something that will help another person.
you always use to tell me that TNT was good to read, even if I thought it was just boring stuff, it shows other posters that there is life after I stopped drinking. And to tell you the truth life is so much better. But so much damage that was done while I was drinking that might never be fixed, that is something I have to live with, but I am ok with that.
i am now in control of my future but like my burst water pipe this morning these things can't be predicted, if and when it does happen is being able to be in the right frame of mind to at least tackle it.
had I been drinking last night I would never had heard the water, so it could have been a lot worse.
so please keep posting Sparrow, I know I love to read what you have to say, and I soooo miss your stories.
one day at a time. More small steps, forward if possible, but steady as she goes.
If you were talking to me, you're certainly welcome. If you were talking to Ang, I'm sure she'd say the same thing. Either way, I think Ang was right that we need to start posting more frequently again. It has always been therapeutic for me to dump my guts on these pages. I know I tend to ramble. That's because my brains are still kind of scrambled sometimes. Its no wonder really after all I put them through over the years. I feel like that nasty piece of collateral damage is improving though. My days "on" are finally beginning to outnumber my days "off". Although I still get visits from the PAWS monster fairly frequently. I'm still inside two years sober though so after my long and not so illustrious drinking career, I'm learning that is to be expected.
I guess the fewer posts means that folks are moving on . . . or they've found another outlet: journaling/painting/meditating, etc. That's the goal. . . moving forward, however, you're both right about the benefits of sharing. However your posts aren't rambling at all. I recollect that more than one initiated lots of thought, connection, and posting/sharing in response.
I've learned a lot about PAWS by reading this site. Had no idea of its meaning before locating this forum.
So, I'm glad you're sharing "old" posts . . . We're all still learning. . . at least I should say . . . I am . . .
I remember that post well. In fact, I have it saved and read it from time to time when needed. Your posts have given me needed strength many times over the last year and a half and continue to do so.
You said, "I lost many years due to semantics. Nothing I can do about that now. And I won’t try. It doesn’t matter anymore really. All that matters is that somehow, some way, I admitted to myself that alcohol addiction and my fear of facing it head on had stripped me of my life, my dreams and most importantly, myself."
I decided fairly recently to just get over it, meaning the guilt of the years lost due to alcoholism. I am sixty years old. Alcohol has taken about half of those already. I decided that by spending any more time feeling guilty about what I had done and what I had lost due to alcoholism, I was just continuing to burn up days and days quickly become years. I'm simply not going to let alcohol take any more time from me. As in the Steps, I have made amends where possible, but I can't undo everything that has been done. I actually did a few descent things during those years anyway. So one morning, a few months back, I woke up and thought out loud, "I'm through wasting days feeling guilty." Actually, truth be known, I said "F__k it, I'm over it. I'll do the best I can to live the best sober life that I can, make the best decisions that I can, and that is ALL that I can do. Period."
It was necessary for me to go back and dissect parts of my life to understand my present situation and that of others in my life. But to continue to dwell in the past serves no purpose for the future. I know that all situations are different, and the ongoing results of past actions sometimes influence today's decisions, but I think eventually those decisions need to be made in the absence of guilt and remorse.
Your friend in recovery,
Last Edit: Nov 6, 2015 23:48:13 GMT -5 by jeyu0422
Thanks for the reply. Of course you are right about all of it. Guilt and remorse don't do any good when a person is trying to heal from the past and the things they have done. In my particular case, I think its difficult for me to let things that I did and the way I used to be, go. Mostly because I still see or at least hear about the effects today. Not that anyone else is actively trying to make me feel bad. That's been my job and mine alone I suppose. I think my early expectations about sobriety being a world of constant serenity and unicorns farting rainbows may still linger to this day. At least I am aware if the problems and realities whereas for years I simply didn't or couldn't care due to the advancing march of my alcoholism.
And now, a word from my past about motivating factors and commitment to sobriety...
The topic of children hit home for me. My children provided much of the motivation for me to fix the mess I have made. Sure it had to be my decision to make when I was ready. I had to choose sobriety for myself. I understand more completely that the day I became a father is the day I should have begun seeing things differently. That living a good life wasn’t about just me anymore. I thought I understood that but it turns out that I’m a pretty slow study I guess. So I decided to try this sobriety thing out for size. Better late than never I suppose.
For me, there are a lot of things that play a role in the pursuit of sobriety. What motivates me to do this? What path will I follow to get there? What do I really want for the present? For the future? I realized that I can’t get there, no matter why I want it, how I choose to get there, what I hope to have happen as a result without one “simple” thing. Commitment. If I’m not committed to this, nothing else really matters. I have to buy into the idea. To a bunch of ideas actually. The idea that I can’t live with alcohol in my life. The idea that alcohol, no matter what the reasons were for my abuse of it, does not work for me as a coping tool for my problems. The idea that there are better ways to spend my time and money. That there are more things in life than the pursuit of Brett feeling good (or at least not feeling bad). That other people actually need me and want me to be part of the life they envisioned. That people rely on my ability to function at a higher level as a human being. That I wanted to function at a higher level as a human being.
I had to commit to the fact that I cared about these things enough to acknowledge and admit that the one thing in my life that was keeping everything else from happening was booze. I am committed to this new life. That’s what it is. A new life. I tell myself this each day. I figure its ok to talk to myself as long as I don’t answer back, at least out loud! As each day goes by, I’m finding it easier to commit to things because of my first commitment. I can actually be reliable! If I make plans, I keep plans. It’s a pretty awesome feeling to show up somewhere that I am expected to be, without a cloud of booze vapors announcing my arrival before I say the first word.
Commitments are nice to make. However, they only work if we keep them. I’m careful not to overextend myself especially right now with things at home the way they are. But I’m finding that commitments build strength and strength is something that I need. With all the commitments I have made, they all start with the one that matters most.
From your last post: "For me, there are a lot of things that play a role in the pursuit of sobriety. What motivates me to do this? What path will I follow to get there? What do I really want for the present? For the future? I realized that I can’t get there, no matter why I want it, how I choose to get there, what I hope to have happen as a result without one “simple” thing. Commitment. If I’m not committed to this, nothing else really matters. I have to buy into the idea. To a bunch of ideas actually. The idea that I can’t live with alcohol in my life. The idea that alcohol, no matter what the reasons were for my abuse of it, does not work for me as a coping tool for my problems. . . .
. . . I am committed to this new life. That’s what it is. A new life. I tell myself this each day. . .
Commitments are nice to make. However, they only work if we keep them. I’m careful not to overextend myself especially right now with things at home the way they are. But I’m finding that commitments build strength and strength is something that I need. With all the commitments I have made, they all start with the one that matters most."
Thinking about your post:
I'm not sharing anything profound just relating. . . It's true, problems don't just go away. . . they can be ignored. . . for a while. . . but ultimately they need to be dealt with or the circumstances become exacerbated.
Your commitment is the cornerstone/foundation of a new life without alcohol . . . . A commitment made by some hourly . . . daily . . . weekly . . . whatever the necessity . . .
“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” ― Albert Einstein
Hey Pam Yes whatever it takes. Commit to not drinking for the next 5 minutes if that is what's necessary. Everyone is different and for me, I had to take the commitment in small pieces until I strung some days together. Eventually the time increments get a little longer as the conscious thought about the choice begins to subside. That is sobriety taking root. That was when my own level of commitment began to expand. Take note of each small victory and the dividends of living a clean sober life become unavoidable. And who wouldn't want that for themselves? Everyone deserves some peace.
Post by bethanne711 on Nov 7, 2015 16:43:27 GMT -5
Hi Brett . Thank you for asking about my leg. To tell you the truth, I am scared of more surgery. I broke my leg on Aug. 9 . I was taken to UT and they put an external fixator on my leg to keep it in place while the swelling went down. Then on the 12th they took that contraption off and applied the plates and screws. I am sorry if I am being redundant. I go Tuesday for a CAT scan and they will decide where we go from there. I thank you for your concern. I think you are an awesome assent to this forum !
Post by angelina1512 on Nov 7, 2015 17:50:02 GMT -5
as usual your posts are always so real, from the heart. I forget how we all did the minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. Now we are nearly two years. I don't even think about drinking or not drinking now. It doesn't come up in conversation but occasionally at work I will tell a customer, oh I don't drink. A good glass of coke does me fine.
i see so many that are giving up smoking take up smoking again because they had a few drinks and thought oh just one smoke. And before they know it they smoked a whole packet while having a few drinks.
i also see a few on the smoking forum who are drinking more to get stress relief since they don't get it from the smoking. I can see the writing on the wall. i remember icon use to write about the drinking and the smoking and it all being an inside job. Maybe that's why giving up the smoking hasn't been as hard for me as I have done the inside job.
i truly enjoy reading your posts. Your such a writer, love it and you.:-))
its a a pity that some of the old timers don't write something. I'm sure it would be benefit to a lot who just lurk and read.