Brett, I think those gifts you have under your profile photo cost money - so you must have a fan who bought them for you.
I was going to send you a cookie, but it cost a dollar! Not that you're not worth it, I would bake you a millions cookies and have them delivered to show my appreciation for you, but I was surprised that Proboards charges for little cartoons.
yeah that is a bit curious huh? I suppose they have to make some money somehow. I wonder how much money is generated by charging for those little badges. By the way, I discovered that some of those badges (not all) can be passed along once the initial purchase is made. I like that idea a lot. Pay it forward, emoji style.
Thank you again for giving me a little TY emoji! I'm going to treasure it for a while before passing it along. The gift that keeps on giving. I know I typed this message to you somewhere else, but I can't find it. It might have been sent privately to your profile.
blueskye Hey Blue You're certainly welcome. I gave ya the thank you that gladtoknowyou gave me because you have helped me a lot over the last 15 months or so. Your willingness to share and share openly around here has motivated me to try to do the same.
I had a great weekend. Went up to the family farm and spent the time with my sober pals salmon fishing and then deer hunting (I'll spare you the details but suffice it to say, I'm still eating store bought hamburger for now).
I talked about these guys last year at this time. Both Gulf War veterans that found sobriety about 2.5 years ago or so. We have never been closer and I've known one of them since we were 14 years old. I love them like brothers because in many ways, they are. Thanks again for your support and nice words.
I'm sitting securely 18 feet up a maple tree enjoying the cool breeze and bright autumn sunshine of another glorious northern Michigan afternoon. I've been keeping relatively up to date on the progress of the newbies. I'm happy to see them doing well with this sobriety thing. I haven't had much to say lately. Just keeping my head down and focusing on the myriad of tasks I seem to have in front of me lately. Work is busy. Several significant redevelopment projects getting underway in the Detroit area have me running pretty constantly.
One thing I've noticed in the last two monthes is my general disinterest in the whole alcohol topic. It's not that I don't care about what everyone else is dealing with. What I mean is the focus for me has shifted completely away from the whole "first thing i think about when I wake up in the morning and wow it feels great to not be hungover" . It's like that life is miles behind me and fading faster and faster. It's hard to explain. Do I think I'm "cured" and out of the woods forever? Not exactly. Do I feel secure in my sobriety and in that security, have I reached a place where i can focus more on the normal day to day crud that we all have to deal with? Yep i guess I do.
I'm hoping these words find you strong and on the path of your choosing. I'm hoping that if you are struggling, you will somehow find the strength to be patient with the process and give yourself time and a chance to heal as well.
"I'm sitting securely 18 feet up a maple tree enjoying the cool breeze and bright autumn sunshine of another glorious northern Michigan afternoon. I've been keeping relatively up to date on the progress of the newbies. I'm happy to see them doing well with this sobriety thing. I haven't had much to say lately. Just keeping my head down and focusing on the myriad of tasks I seem to have in front of me lately. Work is busy. Several significant redevelopment projects getting underway in the Detroit area have me running pretty constantly."
Hey Brett, With a few exceptions (the tree, the cool breeze, and the bright autumn sunshine) I know exactly what you mean. Life has become much more than not drinking and focusing on recovery. Not that I've let my guard down either; I'll always remember Mark_LA's words, but my daily thoughts are not consumed with abstinence or sobriety. This should be good news and encouragement for those still struggling. The light at the end on the tunnel is truly a light and not a train! Mark/Jeyu
Hey Brett, That was a great post. Really inspiring to wake up to this morning. That's what I need to give myself is time. Atm all I seem to battle with is day long cravings. Its good to know one day I'll reach a point where it won't be such a battle.
Hey Mark It would have been so nice to have a fast forward button to get to where we are right now. I guess if there was such a thing then there would be a rewind button also. But since life doesn't come with those features, we just have to accept where we are at the moment. If it doesn't suit your needs, then I guess that is where decision making time kicks in. When I was in the first few days and weeks, it took all my will and ability to set my own notions aside for me to believe the folks on here that told me it gets better with time. It gets easier with time. The pain subsides with time. I'm happy to say those people were 100% spot on. I just had to go through it and get there. That place exists.
Edited to clarify: when I say "your" I don't mean "your" like Jeyu. More like we as in all people...
Last Edit: Oct 27, 2015 6:41:27 GMT -5 by gwampa69
Hi Walker Girl Like I was saying to Mark, there is no other way. We can't go around the mountain, only over it. That's the path. Give yourself a chance and you will see what I'm talkin about.
By the way, when I said I was eating store bought hamburger, I meant because I hadn't gotten a deer yet. That changed this am. Now it's fresh venison once again! I'm sitting up my tree this afternoon. Maybe I'll get lucky again. Take it easy Kim. You sound really good.
Hey Brett! Your recent post reminds me of something grampadave used to say, that he got to a point where he wasn't thinking about drinkin' and he wasn't thinking about not drinkin'. I couldn't wait to get there! I couldn't imagine what it must be like. And somewhere along the way it happened - and I heard myself talking about it in a meeting. And it put a smile on my face, "At last!" :-)
"If you think you can do it, or you think you can't do it, you are right." Henry Ford
That's a good place to be Dana, the end of obsession. No more pain and struggle, the issue is settled and you are no longer a drinker. Ron used to say to him alcohol is an object just like household Clorox is an object, no need to drink.
Hey Everyone. I continue to have my up and down days. Most of my problem right now is dealing with the reality of being divorced and trying to come to terms with the future that is very different from what I had planned. It sucks. But I am making progress. My ex-wife is struggling too. After 24 years together, I suppose its normal to have difficulties getting used to life on your own. During this time, I've noticed myself becoming more and more self focused and I don't like that part of me. I realized that the forum has been a huge part of my life over the last year and a half or so, but lately I have been neglecting it. That has been bad for me but I also think its been selfish. Selfish because while the forum began as a way for me to seek help, somewhere along the way I realized that my contribution could be helping others while I helped myself. Because the forum is a bit like a mirror. I look into it and see myself in the words that others write. That helps me because I know I'm not alone. Then I realized there are a bunch of other people looking into the same mirror and seeing their own reflection, possibly in part due to some of the things that I say.
Part of my problem lately has been a distinct case of writers block. Just not a lot of thoughts to share. Or at least no NEW thoughts. While I wait for that to change, I figured I would read through some of the posts from the old forum and re-post some of the ones that seemed to resonate with folks. Maybe you will remember this one and maybe it is new for the first timers. I read it and it helped me again today. It reminded me of the time almost a year ago when I wrote it. It was a bit of an epiphany moment for me. And I don't have many of those. This is my version of the way back machine I guess. Pardon me while I try to kick start my slumping sense of serenity, or whatever you want to call it.
I have heard addiction described many ways over the years that I have been battling mine. Maybe battling isn’t the right word. Maybe gathering information is better. I have gathered information since I realized I had a drinking problem. Eventually, the “drinking problem” was acknowledged as something more. Drinking problem was more of a cop out term that I used to lessen the blow to my own psyche. An easier label to swallow than alcoholic. I lost many years due to semantics. Nothing I can do about that now. And I won’t try. It doesn’t matter anymore really. All that matters is that somehow, some way, I admitted to myself that alcohol addiction and my fear of facing it head on had stripped me of my life, my dreams and most importantly, myself.
I have heard the terms “reptile brain”, “inner demons”, “alcohol intolerance”. I have heard alcoholism referred to as a disease. I have heard it argued that it is not. The other night, I was watching the show “Dexter”. It’s about a serial killer that lives by a code instilled by his foster father who realized early in his life that Dexter was different, and potentially dangerous. I won’t go into all of the details of the show but one thing happened in the storyline that resonated with me. In order to stay in a relationship with his girlfriend, Dexter makes her believe the secret he is hiding is that he is an addict. He is in a way. He is addicted to killing people. Only difference I guess is that while he is addicted to killing others, most addicts are in the business of killing themselves. The girlfriend loves him and basically forces him to attend a 12 step group if he wants to remain in the relationship. He begins attending for her. He winds up continuing to attend for himself. While he is there, he meets someone that describes addiction as “The Dark Passenger”. I though wow that’s it exactly.
The dark passenger (DP) shows up in people’s lives in many different ways. Sometimes the DP takes up residence quickly. Sometimes it takes a long circuitous route before it plops down beside you. Sometimes the DP provides “relief” at first. I think this is the case more often than not. The “relief” is what allows the DP to take off its coat and stay a while. But like any houseguest, eventually, you would like them to leave. Also like a houseguest that has overstayed they’re welcome, it can be difficult to usher them out the door. In my case, the DP was a welcome partner in the beginning that turned nastier and nastier over time. If we let the DP hang around long enough, we relinquish control and let the DP drive a little more each day. The DP is crafty and insidious. In my case, there was a point when I no longer bothered to drive much of my life at all. I swapped seats and the DP began to control most of my life. I had become the passive passenger. After a while, I completely stopped trying to wrestle the wheel away from the DP. So I jumped in the back seat completely. It turns out the Dark Passenger is a terrible driver.
I think I have figured out a way to get the control back. 7 months ago I stopped drinking. Somehow, I grabbed the wheel back and kicked the DP out. He didn’t go far. In the beginning, he only slid over a bit but he stayed right next to me. Close enough that I could smell him there. The DP whispered in my ear a lot in the early days. He told me jokes. Reminded me of the good times. Of the camaraderie we enjoyed with others that either had their own DP driving, or were well on their way to handing over the wheel. Over this time, there have been many times that the DP put a hand on the wheel and tried to steer. Somehow I was able to slap the hand away. Other times it took more than a slap. More of a punch in the face. Like I said, the DP is simply a terrible driver. I have lots and lots of examples I can share, and have shared that prove it to me. Thankfully for me, I have a pretty good memory left to conjure up those memories whenever the DP wants to take me for a spin. The DP is part of me. I get it. But I don’t have to let it run the show. I had better not let it run the show. The DP is a part of me, but that part of me is getting smaller all the time. Eventually, I hope to kick him out of the car completely and leave him in the dust forever. Once that happens, there is no way I will stop to pick him up again.