Post by Dana on Aug 30, 2015 11:46:31 GMT -5
From the old forum:
Dana
5/17/11 10:46 AM
Dana
Posts:1242
Here's what I understand...
Women sponsor women, and men sponsor men.
I pick my sponsor, not the other way around.
It should be someone who I can relate to and who has what I want.
I'm not sure where to go from here. I worry about it not working out and not wanting to hurt their feelings by saying that it's not working out. Should we go have coffee and get to know each other a little bit first? Should they have a certain number of years of sobriety and how can I learn their track record with other women they've sponsored? Is it possible to get started on my steps before I get a sponsor?
I'd love to hear from people about their experience obtaining/keeping/firing/shopping/etc... a sponsor.
Dana
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lewby
Replied to: Dana
5/18/11 8:23 AM
lewby
Posts:622
Dana,
You'll get a lot of differing responses and interpretations on this one.
I feel a sponsor is a guide, someone who has walked the path before and is willing to teach others the path. The path I refer to is the program (12 Steps) of AA and recovery from alcoholism. Therefore, if choosing a sponsor some of the key things to look for are:
1) Have they completed the 12 steps?
2) Are they the example you may wish to be a protege to?
3) Are they a recovered alcoholic?
I was blessed in the man I chose and, more than anything, once he'd had shown me the basic path he let me go on my own, challenging me to teach others that path.
Good luck in your endeavors.
Argue your limitations - and, sure enough, they're yours...R. Bach
lewby
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rjim
Replied to: Dana
5/18/11 8:38 AM
rjim
Posts:7459
Hey, Dana!
I believe the official suggestion within the fellowship is same-sex sponsors only. It makes some sense, but there are many men who successfully sponsor women, and vice versa. Who picks who is sort of a regional thing; while I've never seen it myself, there are some groups where the sponsor is assigned by the group from a list of members who have been "approved" to sponsor others. Personally, I don't like the idea, but they didn't ask me.
Most assuredly it should be someone you can relate to, who can communicate on your level, whom you feel you can trust/be comfortable with, and it's probably a good idea that it be someone you would be unlikely to develop a romantic relationship with.
Yes, they should also have something close to the kind of sobriety you want for yourself. My only caution here is to not be overly choosy---you may not find one.
In the event it isn't working out between the two of you, just talk it over with the person. Any decent sponsor will understand, and many try to help you find someone else that might be a better fit. In the rare but not unheard of event that the person does get upset about it, that person is unfit to be anyone's sponsor! Kick 'em to the curb and be grateful you didn't end up with that kind of sobriety.
If you think you are good to take things a bit slow at first, spend some time with as many group members as can during before the meeting meetings and after the meeting meetings. The latter is commonly done in a restaurant or coffee shop of some sort. On the other hand, if you feel an urgency to "get 'er done," like I did, drop all your worries and grab the first person you feel you can trust. Remember---you can always change sponsors later if necessary.
I think that the quality of their sober life is more important than the length of sobriety. I've seen/heard many folks with double-digit sobriety who are still afraid they'll drink if they miss a meeting, or that they'll drink for any other reason other than they wanted a drink.
Is it possible to get started on my steps before I get a sponsor? You can bet your life on it, Dana. I did, and never did find a f2f sponsor in the rooms of AA. I had the Big Book and some very good people here on this forum to answer questions for me. Just pick up the book, turn to page 59, and start where it says "Here are the steps we took..." Continue on through that chapter and the next one, following the instructions as you go. If you don't understand something (or even if you think you do understand something, for that matter) bring it up on the forum here. Or feel free to send me an e-mail through the forum or my blog site anytime.
Hope this helps, Dana.
blessings and peace, ron
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AnthonyEBaker
Replied to: Dana
5/18/11 1:24 PM
AnthonyEBaker
Posts:1
Advice can sort of be like the Mississippi River right now, abundant. There are as many ideas of what the perfect sponsor is as their are people I suppose. A sponser is probably somewhat like a spouse in that it is your choice and yours alone. Again, like a spouse, you will be the only person affected by your choice. No one else will benefit nor pay the consequences of your choice, only you. The one piece of advice that I havn't read that I do think should be mentioned is that it may not be best to search for a friend when seeking a sponsor. A good sponsor will be someone that has to tell you things that you may rather not hear let alone act on. Remember, the sole objective is for YOU to get through 24 hours without a drink, (as far as a sponsor goes that is). Remember, we all can get sober in a variety of ways, jail, hospitals, treatment facilities, etc the real objective is to learn how to LIVE sober. Something I know that I had absolutely no ability to do for a very long time. The ability to live sober today did not come qucikly, just like acute alcoholism took many years to achieve. We get from one place to the other by taking the first step and then walking a certain path until it once again becomes natural to us and we suddenly find ourselves living happy, joyous and free. A good sponsor is someone that helps us find, stay on and eventually live daily on that path. A good sponsor helps us find our on way of learning how to LIVE SOBER. Amazingly, it can be done and for that I know I am grateful. Good luck!
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grdn360 (Gordon)
Replied to: Dana
5/18/11 11:16 PM
grdn360 (Gordon)
Posts:831
The blue one on the left was my first sponsor. I remember he used to always say you must learn to roll before you can bounce. I especially liked Blue because no matter what he was always smiling, and seemed very teachable. that picture, (link below) was taken at a meeting we called great balls of fun. Looking back now it seemed like I did most of the sharing. I would talk for hours, and fill there little heads up with hot air when they began to shrivel. Oh the days *sigh*
Open The photo attachment before you read on. *smiles*
Seriously though
My first meeting didn't come until after 6 months in. I had made it through the first three steps without even knowing it. My sponsor just sorta became. I remember doing a lot of lying when asked if I had a sponsor, oh yeah, "got one, doing the work I would say". In retrospect I just wasn't ready to understand that a sponsor didn't mean the king of my sober world. Teachable sponsor was important to me. The first time I said that to my sponsor he had this look on his face like huh. lmao
I quickly rephrased, I appreciate that you take the time to learn about me unbiasedly.
I hope I made you smile
Take Care
Gordon
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butterfly
Replied to: grdn360 (Gordon)
5/18/11 11:37 PM
butterfly
Posts:1537
LOL - I read the whole thing before I clicked on the picture. Now THAT was funny.
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ICONOCLAST44
Replied to: Dana
5/19/11 1:00 AM
ICONOCLAST44
Posts:8697
Hi Dana!
First of all, AA thas no official anything. There is no hierarchy. Each member is autonomous. As a matter of fact, Bill Wilson the so-called AA co-founder called the AA fellowship benign anarchy!
Although I'm a proponent of sponsorship, the suggested program of recovery, which is the 12 Steps, doesn't suggest sponsorship. E.g. Step 5 reads: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
A common mistake that is made by AA members is they think they should or have to read their inventory to their sponsor. Step 5 doesn't mention a sponsor, it says another human being. Quite frankly, I wouldn't trust the vast majority of AA members with the details of an inventory. AA has a lot sick people, no matter how many years sober they claim they are!
I stopped listening to 4th steps and suggested that the people I help read / take their 5th step with a clergy or therapist. These people are sworn to secrecy.
You've gotten a lot of advice, but you're going to do it your way. What ever you decide to do, will be the right thing because there's lesson in it. By not doing anything, nothing will happen. That's my basic philosophy, because I learn by trail and error!
Ask a prospective sponsor one question, if they don't know the answer, forget about them. The question is, where do the 12 steps first occur in the book Alcoholics Anonymous?
I have helped many women over the years, some call me their sponsor. I have helped many women on this forum as well. Helping others understand the dynamics of the 12 steps, as well as other recovery methods is sponsorship.
I can't keep it unless I give it away. Knowledge is useless unless it is shared. I always teach what I need to learn, it's called practice!
Edited 5/19/11 1:47 AM by ICONOCLAST44
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Dana
Replied to: 15242.9
5/21/11 8:56 AM
Dana
Posts:1242
Thanks everyone. Your posts have helped me a lot this week. Six days ago my goal/priority was to get a sponsor by the end of the week. I had someone in mind but when we chatted on the phone it didn't feel right so I didn't ask, although I do feel that if I ever need to talk that I could count on her to listen and not to judge me. I had a really emotional/in-my-head kind of day yesterday and texted a friend who has been an AA'er for a really long time. I wanted to talk but I was just trying to get through my work day without crying. She said if there's anything I ever want to talk about that she will listen and that more importantly it won't go anywhere, it will stay between her and me. I trust her. We've known each other for about 12 years and I think she's been sober about 10 (?) and has sponsored many women over the years. She's down to earth, easy to talk to, has great shares at the meetings, and she is looked up to by both men and women in the fellowship. She's been at a lot of the same meetings as I. In fact, she invited me to a couple new ones when I was just getting into it. I had thought about asking her, but I wasn't too sure about the "friend" thing. We chatted after last night's meeting and I asked her what she thought about it. She said that she would be honored and happy to be my sponsor. We are going to breakfast after the meeting this morning to lay the ground rules (or what she calls - the "interview") - she said there will be things she will expect from me, and that I should also have expectations from her and it's a way of making sure we are a good fit for each other. I am optimistic. Thanks again for all your input!!
Dana
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SoberGirl.
Replied to: Dana
5/21/11 9:06 AM
SoberGirl.
Posts:382
Dana, this is wonderful!
I hope it all goes the way that you want it to...i am back to burying myself in work, but also trying to get some balance with the home life and entertainment and working on my health/emo aspects.
I am so glead to see how you are coming along and moving forward!
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Dana
Replied to: SoberGirl.
5/21/11 10:27 AM
Dana
Posts:1242
Hi SoberGirl! Thank you so much for your continued support. Yes, balance is important and I too am working on that. I've been going to so many meetings that I've done little else. One thing that is becoming more clear is that "finding balance" is a process and not an event. I thought I would have my routine down by now, but not so. I'll let you know how it goes today, I'll be leaving for the meeting in just a few minutes. It's good to see you as always! I am glad you're still here.
Dana
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SoberGirl.
Replied to: Dana
5/21/11 2:20 PM
SoberGirl.
Posts:382
You are very welcome...You don't realize how much it has helped to read your posts, Starrs posts, everything else...hmmmm...really, from Day 1, the posts on here, but especially yours because you were new as well...were really my light at the end of a very long dark tunnel that I had been in.
I think sometimes, people that have years are wonderful, but they are int he second nature and of course I don't category, so they don't really perhaps "remember" what being at that time and in that space and moment is...
I could read your posts and know that you knew and still know!
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MsAnnThropic
Replied to: Dana
5/22/11 7:58 AM
MsAnnThropic
Posts:2389
Morning Dana. I'm so happy for you that you found someone who can be comfortable with.
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Souxierich
Replied to: Dana
5/26/11 1:13 PM
Souxierich
Posts:142
Hi Dana. You seem to be on the right path. I went too fast finding a sponsor. I picked a lovely woman with 19 years sobriety but she was too overbearing. Be sure to understand how many times you are to call your sponsor, get specific ground rules.
Most people have several sponsors through their AA career. If it doesn't work out. Don't feel bad. But I think it will . Take care. Souxie
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Dana
Replied to: Souxierich
5/29/11 10:26 AM
Dana
Posts:1242
Thanks Souxie! So far so good! We're getting together tomorrow for (what I hope to be) completion of Step One. I am very eager to get moving on the steps, as much as I can anyway and still be very thorough. I feel like I have direction now and not just going to meeting after meeting after meeting after meeting....... I need the meetings, don't get me wrong, and I will continue to go to meetings. On the days I can't make it to a meeting for whatever reason - my sponsor has me reading a story from the back of the big book. I value the importance of hearing the stories, whether in person or from a book. It's all important. And she also has me calling her every day, even when there is nothing wrong.. it's good practice. She has made it very clear that I can call her ANYTIME and that I need not feel like I am bothering her in any way, shape or form. There are a handful of ladies I've met in AA that I have in my favorites on my phone - I think I would feel comfortable calling any one of them.
Dana
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Souxierich
Replied to: Dana
5/29/11 11:16 AM
Souxierich
Posts:142
Good for you Dana. I am so glad things are working for you. Quitting drinking is a tough battle. You are doing all the right things. Please take care and keep us posted. Souxie
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Aussie_gal (Rel)
Replied to: ICONOCLAST44
6/26/11 8:01 AM
Aussie_gal (Rel)
Posts:2517
Hi Icon
Thanks for this post. I've been wondering about the sponsor thing and reading what you've said here has been very informative.
I've met some really nice people at the AA meetings I've been to in the last few weeks and have been thinking about a sponsor, but I'm not really sure if it's for me.
One thing I've noticed at several of the meetings I've been to is that many of the people are just lonely. Yes, they may be alcoholics, but they are at the meetings because they have nowhere else to go or no one else to be with. Maybe that's a result of alcohol, but they are people I don't really relate to. I hope Im not sounding horrible saying that, and I know AA says notice the similarities and not the differences, but that's just something I've noticed.
I've just started reading the Big Book and, much to my surprise (and earlier skepticism) have found it incredibly motivating! I went to a meeting last night and started talking about the Big Book to the Chair of the meeting. He's been sober for over seven years but told me he'd never read the book. Is that normal? He actually made the comment "you won't get sober reading a book"! That kind of annoyed me. I don't expect to, but every little bit helps. Damn it, I was too polite to say that to him!!
Anyway, I'm pleased you're still here on the Forum :-)
Rel xx
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ICONOCLAST44
Replied to: Aussie_gal (Rel)
6/26/11 9:09 AM
ICONOCLAST44
Posts:8697
Rel, I appreciate your post, it was well thought out!
Here's my take...
Yes, they may be alcoholics, but they are at the meetings because they have nowhere else to go or no one else to be with. Maybe that's a result of alcohol, but they are people I don't really relate to.
I feel the same!
I hope Im not sounding horrible saying that, and I know AA says notice the similarities and not the differences, but that's just something I've noticed.
AA doesn't say notice the similarities and not the differences, AA parrots say this, because they don't give it any thought! It's not possible to understand the similarities without understanding the differences. I can't use a phillips screwdriver on a slotted screw<G>
I went to a meeting last night and started talking about the Big Book to the Chair of the meeting. He's been sober for over seven years but told me he'd never read the book.
Yes, it's normal and common!
He actually made the comment "you won't get sober reading a book"! That kind of annoyed me. I don't expect to, but every little bit helps. Damn it, I was too polite to say that to him!!
The suggested program of recovery is the 12 Steps. The 12 Steps is Alcoholics Anonymous. With the exception of the 12 steps being on an audio recording from Joe and Charlie or someone takes the time to orally teach the 12 Steps, one can't understand the dynamics of the suggested program of recovery without reading Alcoholics Anonymous and / or the 12 steps and 12 Traditions book!
Assuming this guy has been abstinent for over 7 years, (some lie about their abstinence), he's an example of what I've been saying for years, and that is, alcoholics can remain abstinent without taking the 12 steps. I have also said, that most members of the AA fellowship don't understand the dynamics of the 12 steps. This includes many that actually read the book and took the steps based on their interpretation of what they read. So, all this goes to show me is that, even though the dynamics of the steps aren't followed by many that take the steps, it works anyway. I believe the reason it works, is that the intent to get better is self affirming and that for many it could be the first time in their life that they actually completed a commitment.
Maybe this guy is hiding the fact that he's illiterate. I've know a few in the AA fellowship that are illiterate.
You're open and a critical thinker, that will eventually find someone in AA that's on the same page with you! You don't have to have a sponsor, it's no an AA requirement. those that say otherwise are ignorant. I don't have a sponsor, but I have some AA friends and non AA friends that I confide in.
If you're interested in sponsorship interview, ask questions, specifically questions about the 12 steps. If the answers are not in first person, if the prospective sponsor uses "you should" or "we" rather than "I" in sharing their experience, avoid this person, they are ego driven!
Edited 6/26/11 9:11 AM by ICONOCLAST44 Edited 6/26/11 9:26 AM by ICONOCLAST44
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Aussie_gal (Rel)
Replied to: ICONOCLAST44
6/26/11 4:17 PM
Aussie_gal (Rel)
Posts:2517
Hi Icon
I can't use a phillips screwdriver on a slotted screw<G>
Believe me when I say that some of my girlfriends wouldn't have a clue what you're saying here!!! )
Thanks for your response, especially the advice about looking for a sponsor!
Cheers
Rel xx
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linda111307
Replied to: Aussie_gal (Rel)
7/8/11 1:35 PM
linda111307
Posts:9
I just wanted to throw in my 2 cents. Years ago I tried to get sober in AA. I went to meetings, abstained from alcohol (and drugs) and ate pie. I DID NOT read the book, get a sponsor, or take the steps. So I was one of those you described...lonely with nowhere else to go....except the bar.
In 2007 I went back to AA. Got a sponsor, read and still read the volume Alcoholics Anonymous and the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, worked the steps (twice so far) and studied the traditions with my sponsor. Of course I could abstain from alcohol without the steps....but I don't believe I would have found peace and harmony within myelf without them.
Sure there are other ways to get and stay happily sober...but not for me.
I go to meetings today to stay involved, to help myself and others. I have to make time for meetings because I do have other places to be. (And a lot of non AA friends).
Where I live (gainesville florida) there is wonderful recovery with emphasis on the steps and service work. I went back to the city where I had first tried AA and they still talk about anything BUT the steps in the meetings?
It'll work if you will. I definately needed and still want a sponsor.
Best of luck
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Aussie_gal (Rel)
Replied to: linda111307
7/8/11 4:45 PM
Aussie_gal (Rel)
Posts:2517
Hi Linda
Thanks for your post and congrats on your sobriety!
It's amazing just how different the various meetings have been. My favourite 'meeting' though is definitely this forum
Rel xx
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Dana
Replied to: Dana
3/25/15 9:53 AM
Dana
Posts:1242
I'm happy to say I still have the same sponsor! She has been an awesome guide and invaluable in my recovery. We don't spend nearly as much time together nowadays as we did back then. But I still talk to her about once a week, sometimes once every two weeks. She knows me so well it doesn't take long to catch up, and if there's anything heavy on mind I do share it with her. I can't keep that stuff to myself anymore, it's so freeing to be able to share it with another human being, who I know won't judge me and understands the alcoholic thinking. There have been a few ladies who have asked me to be their sponsor and I am happy to give freely what's been given to me! It has helped me more than I thought it would!! Going through the steps again on this side, it keeps it all fresh and new.
Dana
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Makomago
Replied to: Dana
3/26/15 8:23 AM
Makomago
Posts:2271
.. A resurected thread. Nice. I like. thankyou.
I got on with my sponsor well enough before I he sponsored me and I very much liked his message and the way he conducted himself. He seemed like a good guy and I've not been disappointed. I guess that's why I chose him.
Although, I must say when looking I thought I should find someone of a certain type (I had in mind what that should be - similar 'broad' circumstances and life experience etc etc) . However, when push came to shove I thought I'd probably be better with someone not of that broad description because they'd offer a different wider perspective which would better enable me to challenge my own views, bias, perception, behaviour etc etc I think I chose wisely, or at least got lucky :-)
As I see it, it was no coincidence that he identified with the 14 traits of ACA or ACoA (as you like) when I discussed that with him and so I introduced him to ACA or ACoA.
We now attend both fellowships in a sort of reciprocal arrangement. It's been very interesting to say the least, the two 'issues', particularly given the nature of ACA, the scope of recovery has greatly widened, but remains very complimentary, grounded in 12 steps with AA as base and home (maybe). Actually, ACA feels more like home these days again because of the wider scope, deeper issues, and probably smaller fellowship (its more personal, perhaps).. STill very, very grateful to and for AA though make no mistake.
I share what you say about sponsees too, I remember my AA sponsor telling me that I'll be helping him as much or maybe more than he is helping me, which (obviously) I ouldn't understand until I had the experience myself. It's a marvellous journey.
At the same time as this I have fellow travellers in ACA with whom I do mutual step work in the ACA program, which is both the same yet vastly different and deeper. On that basis, amongst others, I do not feel any neccessity to re-do AA steps. I did them once and thoroughly and 'kind of' re-do them as I work with others, not to mention the maintenance steps continue to play a part in my daily life so I don't really see a need to do them over.
NOTE - edited to add: Sorry, I think I misread what you wrote on going through steps again. You mean with sponsee, right? I'll leave what i wrote and not correct it as THIS is the correction.
All the best
Mako
Edited Mar-26 9:21 AM by Makomago
Dana
5/17/11 10:46 AM
Dana
Posts:1242
Here's what I understand...
Women sponsor women, and men sponsor men.
I pick my sponsor, not the other way around.
It should be someone who I can relate to and who has what I want.
I'm not sure where to go from here. I worry about it not working out and not wanting to hurt their feelings by saying that it's not working out. Should we go have coffee and get to know each other a little bit first? Should they have a certain number of years of sobriety and how can I learn their track record with other women they've sponsored? Is it possible to get started on my steps before I get a sponsor?
I'd love to hear from people about their experience obtaining/keeping/firing/shopping/etc... a sponsor.
Dana
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lewby
Replied to: Dana
5/18/11 8:23 AM
lewby
Posts:622
Dana,
You'll get a lot of differing responses and interpretations on this one.
I feel a sponsor is a guide, someone who has walked the path before and is willing to teach others the path. The path I refer to is the program (12 Steps) of AA and recovery from alcoholism. Therefore, if choosing a sponsor some of the key things to look for are:
1) Have they completed the 12 steps?
2) Are they the example you may wish to be a protege to?
3) Are they a recovered alcoholic?
I was blessed in the man I chose and, more than anything, once he'd had shown me the basic path he let me go on my own, challenging me to teach others that path.
Good luck in your endeavors.
Argue your limitations - and, sure enough, they're yours...R. Bach
lewby
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rjim
Replied to: Dana
5/18/11 8:38 AM
rjim
Posts:7459
Hey, Dana!
I believe the official suggestion within the fellowship is same-sex sponsors only. It makes some sense, but there are many men who successfully sponsor women, and vice versa. Who picks who is sort of a regional thing; while I've never seen it myself, there are some groups where the sponsor is assigned by the group from a list of members who have been "approved" to sponsor others. Personally, I don't like the idea, but they didn't ask me.
Most assuredly it should be someone you can relate to, who can communicate on your level, whom you feel you can trust/be comfortable with, and it's probably a good idea that it be someone you would be unlikely to develop a romantic relationship with.
Yes, they should also have something close to the kind of sobriety you want for yourself. My only caution here is to not be overly choosy---you may not find one.
In the event it isn't working out between the two of you, just talk it over with the person. Any decent sponsor will understand, and many try to help you find someone else that might be a better fit. In the rare but not unheard of event that the person does get upset about it, that person is unfit to be anyone's sponsor! Kick 'em to the curb and be grateful you didn't end up with that kind of sobriety.
If you think you are good to take things a bit slow at first, spend some time with as many group members as can during before the meeting meetings and after the meeting meetings. The latter is commonly done in a restaurant or coffee shop of some sort. On the other hand, if you feel an urgency to "get 'er done," like I did, drop all your worries and grab the first person you feel you can trust. Remember---you can always change sponsors later if necessary.
I think that the quality of their sober life is more important than the length of sobriety. I've seen/heard many folks with double-digit sobriety who are still afraid they'll drink if they miss a meeting, or that they'll drink for any other reason other than they wanted a drink.
Is it possible to get started on my steps before I get a sponsor? You can bet your life on it, Dana. I did, and never did find a f2f sponsor in the rooms of AA. I had the Big Book and some very good people here on this forum to answer questions for me. Just pick up the book, turn to page 59, and start where it says "Here are the steps we took..." Continue on through that chapter and the next one, following the instructions as you go. If you don't understand something (or even if you think you do understand something, for that matter) bring it up on the forum here. Or feel free to send me an e-mail through the forum or my blog site anytime.
Hope this helps, Dana.
blessings and peace, ron
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AnthonyEBaker
Replied to: Dana
5/18/11 1:24 PM
AnthonyEBaker
Posts:1
Advice can sort of be like the Mississippi River right now, abundant. There are as many ideas of what the perfect sponsor is as their are people I suppose. A sponser is probably somewhat like a spouse in that it is your choice and yours alone. Again, like a spouse, you will be the only person affected by your choice. No one else will benefit nor pay the consequences of your choice, only you. The one piece of advice that I havn't read that I do think should be mentioned is that it may not be best to search for a friend when seeking a sponsor. A good sponsor will be someone that has to tell you things that you may rather not hear let alone act on. Remember, the sole objective is for YOU to get through 24 hours without a drink, (as far as a sponsor goes that is). Remember, we all can get sober in a variety of ways, jail, hospitals, treatment facilities, etc the real objective is to learn how to LIVE sober. Something I know that I had absolutely no ability to do for a very long time. The ability to live sober today did not come qucikly, just like acute alcoholism took many years to achieve. We get from one place to the other by taking the first step and then walking a certain path until it once again becomes natural to us and we suddenly find ourselves living happy, joyous and free. A good sponsor is someone that helps us find, stay on and eventually live daily on that path. A good sponsor helps us find our on way of learning how to LIVE SOBER. Amazingly, it can be done and for that I know I am grateful. Good luck!
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grdn360 (Gordon)
Replied to: Dana
5/18/11 11:16 PM
grdn360 (Gordon)
Posts:831
The blue one on the left was my first sponsor. I remember he used to always say you must learn to roll before you can bounce. I especially liked Blue because no matter what he was always smiling, and seemed very teachable. that picture, (link below) was taken at a meeting we called great balls of fun. Looking back now it seemed like I did most of the sharing. I would talk for hours, and fill there little heads up with hot air when they began to shrivel. Oh the days *sigh*
Open The photo attachment before you read on. *smiles*
Seriously though
My first meeting didn't come until after 6 months in. I had made it through the first three steps without even knowing it. My sponsor just sorta became. I remember doing a lot of lying when asked if I had a sponsor, oh yeah, "got one, doing the work I would say". In retrospect I just wasn't ready to understand that a sponsor didn't mean the king of my sober world. Teachable sponsor was important to me. The first time I said that to my sponsor he had this look on his face like huh. lmao
I quickly rephrased, I appreciate that you take the time to learn about me unbiasedly.
I hope I made you smile
Take Care
Gordon
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butterfly
Replied to: grdn360 (Gordon)
5/18/11 11:37 PM
butterfly
Posts:1537
LOL - I read the whole thing before I clicked on the picture. Now THAT was funny.
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ICONOCLAST44
Replied to: Dana
5/19/11 1:00 AM
ICONOCLAST44
Posts:8697
Hi Dana!
First of all, AA thas no official anything. There is no hierarchy. Each member is autonomous. As a matter of fact, Bill Wilson the so-called AA co-founder called the AA fellowship benign anarchy!
Although I'm a proponent of sponsorship, the suggested program of recovery, which is the 12 Steps, doesn't suggest sponsorship. E.g. Step 5 reads: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
A common mistake that is made by AA members is they think they should or have to read their inventory to their sponsor. Step 5 doesn't mention a sponsor, it says another human being. Quite frankly, I wouldn't trust the vast majority of AA members with the details of an inventory. AA has a lot sick people, no matter how many years sober they claim they are!
I stopped listening to 4th steps and suggested that the people I help read / take their 5th step with a clergy or therapist. These people are sworn to secrecy.
You've gotten a lot of advice, but you're going to do it your way. What ever you decide to do, will be the right thing because there's lesson in it. By not doing anything, nothing will happen. That's my basic philosophy, because I learn by trail and error!
Ask a prospective sponsor one question, if they don't know the answer, forget about them. The question is, where do the 12 steps first occur in the book Alcoholics Anonymous?
I have helped many women over the years, some call me their sponsor. I have helped many women on this forum as well. Helping others understand the dynamics of the 12 steps, as well as other recovery methods is sponsorship.
I can't keep it unless I give it away. Knowledge is useless unless it is shared. I always teach what I need to learn, it's called practice!
Edited 5/19/11 1:47 AM by ICONOCLAST44
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Dana
Replied to: 15242.9
5/21/11 8:56 AM
Dana
Posts:1242
Thanks everyone. Your posts have helped me a lot this week. Six days ago my goal/priority was to get a sponsor by the end of the week. I had someone in mind but when we chatted on the phone it didn't feel right so I didn't ask, although I do feel that if I ever need to talk that I could count on her to listen and not to judge me. I had a really emotional/in-my-head kind of day yesterday and texted a friend who has been an AA'er for a really long time. I wanted to talk but I was just trying to get through my work day without crying. She said if there's anything I ever want to talk about that she will listen and that more importantly it won't go anywhere, it will stay between her and me. I trust her. We've known each other for about 12 years and I think she's been sober about 10 (?) and has sponsored many women over the years. She's down to earth, easy to talk to, has great shares at the meetings, and she is looked up to by both men and women in the fellowship. She's been at a lot of the same meetings as I. In fact, she invited me to a couple new ones when I was just getting into it. I had thought about asking her, but I wasn't too sure about the "friend" thing. We chatted after last night's meeting and I asked her what she thought about it. She said that she would be honored and happy to be my sponsor. We are going to breakfast after the meeting this morning to lay the ground rules (or what she calls - the "interview") - she said there will be things she will expect from me, and that I should also have expectations from her and it's a way of making sure we are a good fit for each other. I am optimistic. Thanks again for all your input!!
Dana
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SoberGirl.
Replied to: Dana
5/21/11 9:06 AM
SoberGirl.
Posts:382
Dana, this is wonderful!
I hope it all goes the way that you want it to...i am back to burying myself in work, but also trying to get some balance with the home life and entertainment and working on my health/emo aspects.
I am so glead to see how you are coming along and moving forward!
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Dana
Replied to: SoberGirl.
5/21/11 10:27 AM
Dana
Posts:1242
Hi SoberGirl! Thank you so much for your continued support. Yes, balance is important and I too am working on that. I've been going to so many meetings that I've done little else. One thing that is becoming more clear is that "finding balance" is a process and not an event. I thought I would have my routine down by now, but not so. I'll let you know how it goes today, I'll be leaving for the meeting in just a few minutes. It's good to see you as always! I am glad you're still here.
Dana
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SoberGirl.
Replied to: Dana
5/21/11 2:20 PM
SoberGirl.
Posts:382
You are very welcome...You don't realize how much it has helped to read your posts, Starrs posts, everything else...hmmmm...really, from Day 1, the posts on here, but especially yours because you were new as well...were really my light at the end of a very long dark tunnel that I had been in.
I think sometimes, people that have years are wonderful, but they are int he second nature and of course I don't category, so they don't really perhaps "remember" what being at that time and in that space and moment is...
I could read your posts and know that you knew and still know!
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MsAnnThropic
Replied to: Dana
5/22/11 7:58 AM
MsAnnThropic
Posts:2389
Morning Dana. I'm so happy for you that you found someone who can be comfortable with.
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Souxierich
Replied to: Dana
5/26/11 1:13 PM
Souxierich
Posts:142
Hi Dana. You seem to be on the right path. I went too fast finding a sponsor. I picked a lovely woman with 19 years sobriety but she was too overbearing. Be sure to understand how many times you are to call your sponsor, get specific ground rules.
Most people have several sponsors through their AA career. If it doesn't work out. Don't feel bad. But I think it will . Take care. Souxie
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Dana
Replied to: Souxierich
5/29/11 10:26 AM
Dana
Posts:1242
Thanks Souxie! So far so good! We're getting together tomorrow for (what I hope to be) completion of Step One. I am very eager to get moving on the steps, as much as I can anyway and still be very thorough. I feel like I have direction now and not just going to meeting after meeting after meeting after meeting....... I need the meetings, don't get me wrong, and I will continue to go to meetings. On the days I can't make it to a meeting for whatever reason - my sponsor has me reading a story from the back of the big book. I value the importance of hearing the stories, whether in person or from a book. It's all important. And she also has me calling her every day, even when there is nothing wrong.. it's good practice. She has made it very clear that I can call her ANYTIME and that I need not feel like I am bothering her in any way, shape or form. There are a handful of ladies I've met in AA that I have in my favorites on my phone - I think I would feel comfortable calling any one of them.
Dana
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Souxierich
Replied to: Dana
5/29/11 11:16 AM
Souxierich
Posts:142
Good for you Dana. I am so glad things are working for you. Quitting drinking is a tough battle. You are doing all the right things. Please take care and keep us posted. Souxie
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Aussie_gal (Rel)
Replied to: ICONOCLAST44
6/26/11 8:01 AM
Aussie_gal (Rel)
Posts:2517
Hi Icon
Thanks for this post. I've been wondering about the sponsor thing and reading what you've said here has been very informative.
I've met some really nice people at the AA meetings I've been to in the last few weeks and have been thinking about a sponsor, but I'm not really sure if it's for me.
One thing I've noticed at several of the meetings I've been to is that many of the people are just lonely. Yes, they may be alcoholics, but they are at the meetings because they have nowhere else to go or no one else to be with. Maybe that's a result of alcohol, but they are people I don't really relate to. I hope Im not sounding horrible saying that, and I know AA says notice the similarities and not the differences, but that's just something I've noticed.
I've just started reading the Big Book and, much to my surprise (and earlier skepticism) have found it incredibly motivating! I went to a meeting last night and started talking about the Big Book to the Chair of the meeting. He's been sober for over seven years but told me he'd never read the book. Is that normal? He actually made the comment "you won't get sober reading a book"! That kind of annoyed me. I don't expect to, but every little bit helps. Damn it, I was too polite to say that to him!!
Anyway, I'm pleased you're still here on the Forum :-)
Rel xx
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ICONOCLAST44
Replied to: Aussie_gal (Rel)
6/26/11 9:09 AM
ICONOCLAST44
Posts:8697
Rel, I appreciate your post, it was well thought out!
Here's my take...
Yes, they may be alcoholics, but they are at the meetings because they have nowhere else to go or no one else to be with. Maybe that's a result of alcohol, but they are people I don't really relate to.
I feel the same!
I hope Im not sounding horrible saying that, and I know AA says notice the similarities and not the differences, but that's just something I've noticed.
AA doesn't say notice the similarities and not the differences, AA parrots say this, because they don't give it any thought! It's not possible to understand the similarities without understanding the differences. I can't use a phillips screwdriver on a slotted screw<G>
I went to a meeting last night and started talking about the Big Book to the Chair of the meeting. He's been sober for over seven years but told me he'd never read the book.
Yes, it's normal and common!
He actually made the comment "you won't get sober reading a book"! That kind of annoyed me. I don't expect to, but every little bit helps. Damn it, I was too polite to say that to him!!
The suggested program of recovery is the 12 Steps. The 12 Steps is Alcoholics Anonymous. With the exception of the 12 steps being on an audio recording from Joe and Charlie or someone takes the time to orally teach the 12 Steps, one can't understand the dynamics of the suggested program of recovery without reading Alcoholics Anonymous and / or the 12 steps and 12 Traditions book!
Assuming this guy has been abstinent for over 7 years, (some lie about their abstinence), he's an example of what I've been saying for years, and that is, alcoholics can remain abstinent without taking the 12 steps. I have also said, that most members of the AA fellowship don't understand the dynamics of the 12 steps. This includes many that actually read the book and took the steps based on their interpretation of what they read. So, all this goes to show me is that, even though the dynamics of the steps aren't followed by many that take the steps, it works anyway. I believe the reason it works, is that the intent to get better is self affirming and that for many it could be the first time in their life that they actually completed a commitment.
Maybe this guy is hiding the fact that he's illiterate. I've know a few in the AA fellowship that are illiterate.
You're open and a critical thinker, that will eventually find someone in AA that's on the same page with you! You don't have to have a sponsor, it's no an AA requirement. those that say otherwise are ignorant. I don't have a sponsor, but I have some AA friends and non AA friends that I confide in.
If you're interested in sponsorship interview, ask questions, specifically questions about the 12 steps. If the answers are not in first person, if the prospective sponsor uses "you should" or "we" rather than "I" in sharing their experience, avoid this person, they are ego driven!
Edited 6/26/11 9:11 AM by ICONOCLAST44 Edited 6/26/11 9:26 AM by ICONOCLAST44
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Aussie_gal (Rel)
Replied to: ICONOCLAST44
6/26/11 4:17 PM
Aussie_gal (Rel)
Posts:2517
Hi Icon
I can't use a phillips screwdriver on a slotted screw<G>
Believe me when I say that some of my girlfriends wouldn't have a clue what you're saying here!!! )
Thanks for your response, especially the advice about looking for a sponsor!
Cheers
Rel xx
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linda111307
Replied to: Aussie_gal (Rel)
7/8/11 1:35 PM
linda111307
Posts:9
I just wanted to throw in my 2 cents. Years ago I tried to get sober in AA. I went to meetings, abstained from alcohol (and drugs) and ate pie. I DID NOT read the book, get a sponsor, or take the steps. So I was one of those you described...lonely with nowhere else to go....except the bar.
In 2007 I went back to AA. Got a sponsor, read and still read the volume Alcoholics Anonymous and the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, worked the steps (twice so far) and studied the traditions with my sponsor. Of course I could abstain from alcohol without the steps....but I don't believe I would have found peace and harmony within myelf without them.
Sure there are other ways to get and stay happily sober...but not for me.
I go to meetings today to stay involved, to help myself and others. I have to make time for meetings because I do have other places to be. (And a lot of non AA friends).
Where I live (gainesville florida) there is wonderful recovery with emphasis on the steps and service work. I went back to the city where I had first tried AA and they still talk about anything BUT the steps in the meetings?
It'll work if you will. I definately needed and still want a sponsor.
Best of luck
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Aussie_gal (Rel)
Replied to: linda111307
7/8/11 4:45 PM
Aussie_gal (Rel)
Posts:2517
Hi Linda
Thanks for your post and congrats on your sobriety!
It's amazing just how different the various meetings have been. My favourite 'meeting' though is definitely this forum
Rel xx
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Dana
Replied to: Dana
3/25/15 9:53 AM
Dana
Posts:1242
I'm happy to say I still have the same sponsor! She has been an awesome guide and invaluable in my recovery. We don't spend nearly as much time together nowadays as we did back then. But I still talk to her about once a week, sometimes once every two weeks. She knows me so well it doesn't take long to catch up, and if there's anything heavy on mind I do share it with her. I can't keep that stuff to myself anymore, it's so freeing to be able to share it with another human being, who I know won't judge me and understands the alcoholic thinking. There have been a few ladies who have asked me to be their sponsor and I am happy to give freely what's been given to me! It has helped me more than I thought it would!! Going through the steps again on this side, it keeps it all fresh and new.
Dana
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Makomago
Replied to: Dana
3/26/15 8:23 AM
Makomago
Posts:2271
.. A resurected thread. Nice. I like. thankyou.
I got on with my sponsor well enough before I he sponsored me and I very much liked his message and the way he conducted himself. He seemed like a good guy and I've not been disappointed. I guess that's why I chose him.
Although, I must say when looking I thought I should find someone of a certain type (I had in mind what that should be - similar 'broad' circumstances and life experience etc etc) . However, when push came to shove I thought I'd probably be better with someone not of that broad description because they'd offer a different wider perspective which would better enable me to challenge my own views, bias, perception, behaviour etc etc I think I chose wisely, or at least got lucky :-)
As I see it, it was no coincidence that he identified with the 14 traits of ACA or ACoA (as you like) when I discussed that with him and so I introduced him to ACA or ACoA.
We now attend both fellowships in a sort of reciprocal arrangement. It's been very interesting to say the least, the two 'issues', particularly given the nature of ACA, the scope of recovery has greatly widened, but remains very complimentary, grounded in 12 steps with AA as base and home (maybe). Actually, ACA feels more like home these days again because of the wider scope, deeper issues, and probably smaller fellowship (its more personal, perhaps).. STill very, very grateful to and for AA though make no mistake.
I share what you say about sponsees too, I remember my AA sponsor telling me that I'll be helping him as much or maybe more than he is helping me, which (obviously) I ouldn't understand until I had the experience myself. It's a marvellous journey.
At the same time as this I have fellow travellers in ACA with whom I do mutual step work in the ACA program, which is both the same yet vastly different and deeper. On that basis, amongst others, I do not feel any neccessity to re-do AA steps. I did them once and thoroughly and 'kind of' re-do them as I work with others, not to mention the maintenance steps continue to play a part in my daily life so I don't really see a need to do them over.
NOTE - edited to add: Sorry, I think I misread what you wrote on going through steps again. You mean with sponsee, right? I'll leave what i wrote and not correct it as THIS is the correction.
All the best
Mako
Edited Mar-26 9:21 AM by Makomago