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Post by jola01 on Oct 2, 2018 1:30:16 GMT -5
Hi all I am brand new here my drinking has got out of control and I keep attempting to stop but. Me start again as I try and convince myself I can moderate but it’s clear to see I simply can’t. I have told friends/ family etc that I’m stopping but unfortunately as much as they want to support me I have failed before so they almost laugh where they know I’m not serious about this. I know it’s my own fault but I feel none understands how hard it is. And I’m angry wkth myself because it’s causing a lot of issues wkth my partner and family because of my behaviour when drink surely this is enough to just simply stop?? The problem I have also is I have a party at the end of the month and dinner/ ball which is 15 ladies and will involve a lot of alcohol and laughs which is great however i don’t feel ready to attend this whilst I’m trying to stop drinking but I don’t think my friend will be happy about me telling her I don’t want to go as I’ve paid £40 for it. The money doesn’t bother me but I’m nervous to say I can’t/ don’t want to go. I just feel I need to focus on myself and it’s abojt how I feel no one else but obviously if I decline the invite I need to show my seriousness about this. ☹️ I just don’t want to drink anymore it’s not working for me but I’m in this cycle of feeling great again then think oh I can have one. But reality is one is never enough. I can’t imagine my life without it as it’s so ingrained. But I know my life will be better. A lot of things I’ve read say after 3 months the delete etc goes and that’s what I want to feel but it’s jist getting there. Any support will be highly appreciated. 😀
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Post by angelina1512 on Oct 2, 2018 1:41:25 GMT -5
Hello and welcome to the forum.
I too had a function to go too just after I gave up drinking and was really scared because I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to say no. I went and it didn’t bother me as much as I though, it’s just the mind thinking because everyone else is drinking that you need it as well.
That was over 4 years ago and I haven’t had a drink since. One is not enough and 100 is when you will stop. If you are serious just don’t drink. Sounds easy but the first few months are hard. First few days are disgusting but doable. Count the minutes, seconds and be proud when you get through one day. When I reached 40 days I bought myself a trophy, had it inscribed, 40 days, well done.
Stay strong, you can do it. Help is here if you need it.
Angelina
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Post by soberinmi on Oct 2, 2018 8:23:27 GMT -5
Fear is an emotion that ruled us before we got sober. Unless severely damaged, everybody experiences fear, it is instinctual. We find out in the Fourth and Fifth steps that many of are behaviors are our instincts, anger, fear, sex drive, ego, etc. that are driven to excess (sound familiar?), so they are not inherently bad.
It is only natural to fear going into "wet" places seeing "wet" faces in early sobriety. You don't say what the event is, so I can't tailor my suggestions. But it is suggested that you and your sponsor develop a plan or strategy. Go late and leave early. Attend at least 1 meeting before or plan to do so afterward. Take a friend in the program, and if you can't, stick with someone attending who will have your back. Drink something nonalcoholic, and never put it down, it is too easy mix up drinks. Make sure to get your own drinks and watch the server or bar tender, I heard from a women who was dating very early in the program (not suggested) and her date ordered a rum and Coke instead of a virgin Coke, but she took only 1 drink. Call your sponsor before you go and afterwards and during if necessary. Have several member's phone numbers on speed dial. Go outside or in another room as necessary for "air." If you are a smoker, quit another day if you intend on quitting, when your sobriety is a little less fragile. Pray, before, during, and after, whatever makes you comfortable; silent prayer from your head will suffice if necessary. I went to my first party in sobriety alone, but I kept clutching my one year token in my hand and I made it through, very uncomfortably and never dated the hostess again.
I think you get the idea. Start by talking to you sponsor and others in the program, bring it up at a meeting. Your higher power will see you through or be your wing man, but won't do all the work for you!
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Post by gwampa69 on Oct 6, 2018 22:16:14 GMT -5
Hi Soberinmi I just wanted to point out that not everyone on the forum (past and the few present) are in a 12 step program. AA is not for everyone, and while your comments undoubtedly come from a well meaning place, assuming people prescribe to that method is a bit presumptuous. Best Gwampa69
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Post by soberinmi on Oct 7, 2018 7:36:23 GMT -5
Thank you for the left-handed compliment!
I know of no other method of getting and staying sober for those who are truly alcoholic that actually works... But feel free to offer something that the OP might find useful next time gramps.
AA works so well that nonalcoholic drug addicts who don't belong there prefer it over NA.
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Post by gwampa69 on Oct 12, 2018 19:52:21 GMT -5
Soberinmi That wasn’t a side swipe or attack in anyway. I’ve been offering my support and help on this (and the previous) forum since I got sober 4+ years ago. I’m not saying your way is right or wrong. AA obviously helps a lot of people. But assuming newbies have sought out a sponsor and have began that process when they first check in here is, as I said before, presumptuous on your part.
I’m glad to see some activity around here. Disagreements are always part of it, but the point is always to try to help people find their way when they ask for assistance. O and U Gwampa
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Post by soberinmi on Oct 12, 2018 22:05:41 GMT -5
God willing, I will celebrate 30 years in late November, 15 of those I did the hard way. I've seen a lot of anti AA behavior at meetings. I even quit for 2 weeks after I was attacked by an entitled nonalcoholic drug addict giving away all AA literature and such. The same person verbally attacked me again and took a swing at me despite being on probation and profusely appologizing for his 1st attack at the group conscience meeting taking place in between. I am not welcome at that meeting because they sympathize with my attacker instead of seeing as an attack on AA.
That said, I don't hear anything that changes my response.
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Post by angelina1512 on Oct 13, 2018 5:37:59 GMT -5
I’m not for or against AA. But not everyone wants to go to meetings. I have been sober over 4 years now and did it with the help of the forum, the old one was a bit busier than this one. I came to the site when ever I felt like I couldn’t make the next hour. Going to an AA wasn’t an option for me.
I have known some from here that tried AA and it worked wonders, and some not so good. I still have contact with many of the old timers from here and I suppose they are my sponsors. I now own and run a cafe that serves alcohol and it doesn’t bother me, it doesn’t tempt me either. I know that alcohol like smoking, if you have “just one” I would be back to 100 and that is never an option. I don’t like that person I was back then and I never want her back in my life. I like my life now and if people want to drink or smoke well that’s ok, I just have to smell a person who just had a cigarette and I KNOW I don’t ever want to smell like that again.
i can socialise, sit down with drinkers and join them with a can of coke. I can laugh and have a great time all without alcohol. There is life after giving up drinking, it’s actually a lot more fun.
so anyone trying to quit, try AA if you don’t like it try like some of us did, just don’t drink. Good luck. Life is so much nicer when you remember what you said and did and don’t have to apologise the next day for making an absolute fool of yourself.
angelina
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Post by soberinmi on Oct 13, 2018 8:57:31 GMT -5
Life is so much nicer when you remember what you said and did and don’t have to apologise the next day for making an absolute fool of yourself. angelina Gramps has already proved you wrong! But then again, it was a non apology apology.
If anyone who is showing inability to control his drinking can (with self-knowledge)do the right-about-face and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 31.
We understand now that once a person has crossed the invisible borderline from heavy drinking to compulsive alcoholic drinking, that person will always remain an alcoholic.
This is A.A.: An introduction to the A.A. recovery program, pg. 9.
It is highly unlikely, if possible at all, for a person who has crossed the line into alcoholism to live an abstinent and happy life.
There is a story in the Big Book about a man, impliedly an alcoholic, who stopped drinking to concentrate on his profession as a businessman. He retired at 55, started drinking, and was dead within 3 years. What the Big Book doesn't mention was just how happy or unhappy, how emotionally sober this man was. Personally, I think the is more to the story than Bill W. mentioned.
My point is that you are probably not an alcoholic or not an alcoholic yet. Medical science has yet to link alcoholism to genetics, but some swear that it has. If it ever does, AA, a program of personal responsibility, goes down the drain because it was always our bodies and not our behavior.
Still, it is nice to see the admitted non bashers of AA bash AA.
For the record, I have some issues with AA, I just don't like be bashed simply because I am affiliated with it.
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Post by gwampa69 on Oct 13, 2018 20:40:47 GMT -5
Soberinmi Wow you are overly sensitive. Nobobdy is bashing you. And how dare you claim someone isn’t an alcoholic if they can be in recovery without the help of AA. You are a classic example of why some people look for other ways. Whoever took a swing at you in the past may have seen this arrogance in you. I’ve seen others like you blow through this forum in the past. Your brand of help isn’t very helpful
Gwampa
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Post by soberinmi on Oct 13, 2018 21:43:36 GMT -5
Soberinmi Wow you are overly sensitive. Nobobdy is bashing you. And how dare you claim someone isn’t an alcoholic if they can be in recovery without the help of AA. You are a classic example of why some people look for other ways. Whoever took a swing at you in the past may have seen this arrogance in you. I’ve seen others like you blow through this forum in the past. Your brand of help isn’t very helpful Gwampa Another non attack attack! I am sorry. You claimed to not have been attacking me in the way I accused you of, so you decide to attack me in another way; two attacks instead of one that never happened. AA gets a lot of people coming through the door who would rather be alcoholic than a drug addict or other. Just like a gay person knows another when he sees one, alcoholics know another when they see one. AA operates on the basis of identifying or relating to another alcoholic. You can't see the forest for the trees - an alcoholic can see him/herself in another alcoholic before he/she can see the alcoholic in him/herself. The bottom line is an alcoholic can best identify or relate to another. We all know a line of B.S. when we hear it. In your case and angelina's I think thou doth protest too much! But what do I know after nearly 30 years! But then you are unfamiliar with AA and still judge!
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Post by angelina1512 on Oct 14, 2018 3:28:13 GMT -5
Hey soberinmi,
I haven’t had anyone question whether I am an alcoholic or not. I haven’t seen this sort of attack since the last forum, it seems that an AA supporter doesn’t think that you can stop drinking without AA. There are quite a few of us who did it without AA. Why is that so hard to understand? Not all AA followers do so well at following the steps.
After 30 years I would support anyone who came to this site, whether they think they are an alcoholic or not. I’m not sure there is an actual test to tell me whether I am or I am not. When my life revolved around drinking every day, hiding it from husband and family, working out how I would get through without having a drink in my handbag, getting picked up by police for drink driving, losing my license and still not able to stop drinking. That to me was when I knew I had a problem.
I could not just have one or two drinks I had to keep going until I could not walk or talk, that to me is an alcoholic. Please correct me if I am wrong.
Angelina
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Post by soberinmi on Oct 14, 2018 8:36:05 GMT -5
First, you phrase it as us versus them.
Second, it was "rare" for a person with professional help to get sober before AA and AA doesn't work for everyone. Rehab by itself doesn't work for anyone, and all you had was this website. You don't talk of how difficult it was to get and remain sober and you talk dispassionately about your drinking days.
Now I know where BuddyT got the idea that alcoholism is a mere choice; by definition if you are not alcoholic it is a mere choice.
Where can I find a pansy pic I can use as my avatar?
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Post by Mark_LA on Oct 14, 2018 13:53:07 GMT -5
Ah, soberinmi, you should have been here back in the day when there were plenty of hard-core AA zealots around who engaged in bitter arguments with broader-minded sorts regarding such topics as the definition of a "real" alcoholic. The debates eventually petered out as it became evident to most participants that the zealots' application of hellfire-style narrow, rigid, and judgmental thinking to AA was at odds with the fundamental teachings of the Big Book. I haven't run across this type of thinking for quite some time now, but if you're still locked into an approach you formed 30 years ago, then I suppose it shouldn't be surprising if you relate to some aspects of it.
Hey, if your approach works for you, then have at it, but it didn't work for me -- nor evidently for the few other remaining members here. If I have to cherry-pick a couple of phrases from the Big Book to illustrate my point, they would be "Love and tolerance is our code," and "We realize we know only a little."
Wishing you to be "happy, joyous, and free" as you continue to trudge along that fabled path, and congratulations on your 30 years of abstinence!
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Post by soberinmi on Oct 14, 2018 15:03:49 GMT -5
Ah, soberinmi, you should have been here back in the day when there were plenty of hard-core [sic] AA zealots around who engaged in bitter arguments with broader-minded sorts regarding such topics as the definition of a "real" alcoholic. The debates eventually petered out as it became evident to most participants that the zealots' application of hellfire-style narrow, rigid, and judgmental thinking to AA was at odds with the fundamental teachings of the Big Book. I haven't run across this type of thinking for quite some time now, but if you're still locked into an approach you formed 30 years ago, then I suppose it shouldn't be surprising if you relate to some aspects of it. Hey, if your approach works for you, then have at it, but it didn't work for me -- nor evidently for the few other remaining members here. If I have to cherry-pick a couple of phrases from the Big Book to illustrate my point, they would be "Love and tolerance is our code," and "We realize we know only a little." Wishing you to be "happy, joyous, and free" as you continue to trudge along that fabled path, and congratulations on your 30 years of abstinence!
I like your style in part, the part where you just outrightly attack me, not the left-handed compliments or the veiled attacks that you will deny making.
You contradict yourself referring to AA zealots, who by definition are following the AA program and Big Book bible, who were not following the Big Book. And with 65 posts, how far back could we be talking about?
I like the fact that you admit to cherry picking, taking out of context, certain things from the Big Book. True, pg. 164 says to the effect that we know but a little, but, goes on to say that more will be revealed, first published in 1939 and remains unchanged. Contradicting your implied assertion, I have not strayed from the principles of AA, but your posting does...
I might also remind you that the Akron Pamphlet, "A Guide to the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous," says that we should not be a doormat for society.
I might also indicate that Bill W contradicts himself in the 12&12. The long form and more authoritative Traditions were first published in 1946 and the short form literally condensed from the long form were published in 1949, both were unanimously adopted at the 1st international convention in 1940. The long form of Tradition Three says AA is for alcoholics, and the Fifth indicates AA has a singleness of purpose, and the Tenth that AA has no opinion on outside issues. For those who prefer the short form of Tradition Three that says that "the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking", I refer them to the more authoritative long form, or the Fifth Tradition and remind them AA's singleness of purpose has be true simultaneously with Tradition Three, therefore nonalcoholic drug addicts or nonalcoholics at all are not permitted membership. Getting back to the 12&12, Bill W. talks about "potential" alcoholics being granted membership. The point is that at times even conference approved AA literature is at odds with AA program principles.
So thanks for engaging me once again in hostile discourse!
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