This TIME

[jeyu0422]

To Kim,
Kim, the single most valuable possession that we have is time. It is much more precious than gold, diamonds, houses, cars, money, or really anything else, because the absence of it renders all of the other possessions useless. It is the one possession that is finite, and yet an abundance of it allows for the others. Alcoholism's most devastating effect is that it robs us of that of most value. It eventually destroys our health and takes years off of our lives, but even more importantly, it diminishes the quality of life while living. The alcoholic's time becomes merely existing until the next drink; time spent in depression, guilt, and remorse. Although sobriety does not completely restore that which has been lost, it provides a greater appreciation for that which remains.
Kim, you can give yourself that gift. No one else can give it to you but you can give it to yourself. Don't wait like I did until your late 50s to get sober; do it now. Don't continue to recklessly spend that most valuable possession until it is all gone. I know that you want sobriety because you stay here and keep trying, while so many others have posted a few times over the years and then are gone. You have what it takes, desire. Muster up all of your strength and JFDI, meaning do anything and everything to make this work, this time, for you. Give yourself that gift that no one else can give to you.

To All (including myself),
If a newcomer never visits this site, there are those who remain here that are still in need of help and support, and it's not just Kim. There are others out there who have visited and/or contributed here and are still struggling with the effects of alcohol in their lives. That is ample reason, in my mind, for those of us who have learned how to live a sober life, to stay and contribute.

To Pam,
Thanks for keeping the light on.

Mark/Jeyu

[gwampa69]

Hey Mark
I couldn't agree with you more on the subject of time. Even as a teenager, I felt that the true measure of success was how much free time a person had. Sure all the other stuff we accumulate in life is great. But the one thing that is most important is time. And that's the one thing we have no control over other than what we choose to do with it. Having lost precious years to alcoholism, I am acutely aware of the time I have left. Of course since we really don't know how much that is, all the more reason to cherish the moment we are in. Right now. And right now for me includes hammock time. Happy 4th of July.

[slimkim]

Wow Jeyu your post nearly blew me away! I've wasted so many years drinking and could have been out there getting a job and moving on. I deeply regret all those lost years. Don't really know what else to say but thankyou. I don't think I'd last another 10 years if I kept going. JFDI is my new motto for today.

[jeyu0422]

Kim, I had Chinese food tonight at one of my favorite restaurants. My fortune cookie contained the following quote, "Mistakes show us what we need to learn." I think this saying is especially true for the alcoholic trying to quit drinking. If a relapse could be considered a "mistake", what generally leads to that mistake?  Can an individual learn to avoid making the same mistake over and over again? I think so.
Triggers. I was told here long ago that there is no such thing as a trigger. (That's one of those things that, to me, fall into the "take what you need and leave the rest" category). Certain situations or events (triggers) don't put the glass to our mouths, but they can and do lower our resolve, thus can, in my opinion, lead to a relapse. But I think we can somewhat disarm trigger events by thinking through them ahead of time. To use a silly example, if looking at the sun makes me want to drink, I could:
1. Look at the sun and drink
2. Not look at the sun and not drink.
But if I KNOW in ADVANCE, by analyzing former sun-related relapses, I can, in advance, give myself more that the above two options.
I can:
1. Stay out of the sun.
2. Wear a big hat
3. Wear a pair of sunglasses.
4. Look at the sun and drink.
Then, the next time I am outside on a bright sunny day, I can employ one or more of these prearranged strategies. I have already thought it through. I have a plan. So, one day, I need to go outside, I want to go outside, but the sun is very bright. What do I do? I step outside, slip my sunglasses on, and just for extra protection, put on a really big hat, resist the desire to drink, and by the way, look very cool doing it.
Mark/Jeyu

[slimkim]

Hey Jeyu,
That's exactly what I need to do; make a plan on how to handle triggers or difficult situations. I'll try and get my brain into gear and make one today. I slept poorly last night but are happy to say I've made it to day 6 which is almost over. I still have cravings where I just want to go out and get plastered. Ironically this is the most dangerous time for me. I start to feel better, get some life back in me and then blow it again. Knowing the 3 musketeers have made it through alive and are now strong in sobriety is a real inspiration.

[Mark_LA]

I just had a thought about "triggers" that I thought I'd share since I tend to side with those who believe there is really no such thing.

It seems to me that if I'm in the mindset of avoiding "triggers" that might make me drink, then I'm still living in the problem instead of the solution -- I'm still focused only on not-drinking as my goal instead of recovery. If I'm unable to put together more than a few days or weeks of abstinence at a time because some kind of "trigger" is always setting me off, then I need to look at what I can do to change my response to the triggers, rather than just trying to avoid any situation or event that might act as one.

Living in the solution requires overhauling my entire way I look at life and respond to stress. It takes dedication, patience, and perseverance, but I -- along with thousands of other alcoholics who have pursued recovery (as opposed to mere abstinence) -- am living proof that it can be done. I still experience a gut reaction when events or circumstances occur which might once have been "triggers," but I've learned how to deal with that raw emotion in more effective and constructive ways. I no longer need to worry about "triggers" because I've replaced my old way of dealing with them -- reaching for a drink -- with healthier coping mechanisms.

That said, I think that for most people a period of "mere abstinence" -- the "JFDI" part -- is necessary at the beginning just to stay sober long enough for the fog and spiders to clear out so that real recovery work can begin. During this period, it is indeed probably wise to avoid "triggers," but as a long-term recovery strategy I think it falls short for most people.

[angelina1512]

Hello Mark LA

its good to see you putting your thoughts down and I have to agree with you on this. At first it's JFDI but slowly I had to put in other ways to cope as well. Now honestly I never even think of drinking. If we go out for dinner it's just a coke with dinner, doesn't bother me that hubby has a drink, it's just a coke for me.

same with smoking, at the start it's JFDI and then learn to programme the brain to think differently. Like touching a hot pot, you know it's hot so you grab a towel to move it. I wouldn't consider touching it as I know it's way too hot, same as alcohol.

the first 6 months of not smoking was hard everyday, but then it's less and less. Now nearly 12 months and I can honestly say I don't think about it for days. Then something will happen and my first reaction is OMG a cigarette would make it easier, knowing full well it doesn't.

all good down under, glad you still pop in Mark. How are things your way? Still with the rich and famous playing music lol. I think you could tell a few stories of what you see and hear :-)

anything worth achieving takes commitment.
Tutu

[jeyu0422]

Jul 6, 2016 0:41:41 GMT -5 Mark_LA said:

I just had a thought about "triggers" that I thought I'd share since I tend to side with those who believe there is really no such thing.

It seems to me that if I'm in the mindset of avoiding "triggers" that might make me drink, then I'm still living in the problem instead of the solution -- I'm still focused only on not-drinking as my goal instead of recovery. If I'm unable to put together more than a few days or weeks of abstinence at a time because some kind of "trigger" is always setting me off, then I need to look at what I can do to change my response to the triggers, rather than just trying to avoid any situation or event that might act as one.

Living in the solution requires overhauling my entire way I look at life and respond to stress. It takes dedication, patience, and perseverance, but I -- along with thousands of other alcoholics who have pursued recovery (as opposed to mere abstinence) -- am living proof that it can be done. I still experience a gut reaction when events or circumstances occur which might once have been "triggers," but I've learned how to deal with that raw emotion in more effective and constructive ways. I no longer need to worry about "triggers" because I've replaced my old way of dealing with them -- reaching for a drink -- with healthier coping mechanisms.

That said, I think that for most people a period of "mere abstinence" -- the "JFDI" part -- is necessary at the beginning just to stay sober long enough for the fog and spiders to clear out so that real recovery work can begin. During this period, it is indeed probably wise to avoid "triggers," but as a long-term recovery strategy I think it falls short for most people.

[jeyu0422]

Hey Mark,

Good to hear from you! I DO believe there are "triggers" and it really sounds to me thst we may actually be in agreement.  If situations or events have, in the past, made the abstinent alcoholic tend to turn to alcohol, it is reasonable to believe that they will do so in the future. Does that mean avoiding them? No, not at all. My post to Kim was not to avoid them, but rather to try to think of and plan for ways in advance to deal with them rather than step into the "event" unprepared and react by drinking. I think this is the first step in recovery.

For me, stress, especially work related, was always a "trigger" for drinking. In my job, the avoidance of stress is next to impossible, but KNOWING that stress made me want to drink has enabled me to come up with other effective ways to deal with stress other than drinking. At this point, I rarely if ever think of drinking, and there are no overwhelming cravings, even when faced with substantial stress, but that is because I have developed other methods of dealing with stress other than drinking.  This, for me, was a critical part in the recovery process.

As humans, we are teachable. We can even learn to teach ourselves new methods of dealing with situations and eliminating old reactionary responses, but we must make an intentional effort to do so, at least until the new method becomes the conditioned response.  This reprogramming, in my opinion, is an essential part of recovery. About a year ago, I was swimming with my young grandson. He held his nose every time he jumped into the pool. I asked him if he was going to do that forever. He said, "No, but I am going to do it as long as I need to so I don't drown, because I love to jump in the pool but I don't like to drown" (Out of the mouths of babes).  Not long ago, my daughter sent me a video of him jumping in the pool without holding his nose, apparently without even thinking about it. A changed behavior. A new learned response.

Again, good to hear from you.

Mark/Jeyu

[Mark_LA]

Yeah, we're on the same page, M/J. It's all just different ways of looking at the same thing.

I'll tell ya, though, catching up on all the growth I missed out on while I was drinking is a steep learning curve!