Looking back

[Sam]

I always thought long ago, along with many people, that if someone is drunk the person is out of it, drunk meant being paralyzed mentally....and physically. Looking back at my three decades of being drunk, I remember just about everything I did, I did while drunk, but not out of it. Every memory I have is with me being loaded and functioning to a degree, but always had alcohol in me. Sometimes it was visible often times it was not as I learned how to hide my drunkenness.

To go through life drunk is a hard thing to do, it's hard work. Decisions made and later regretted, words said I wish I could take back, tiredness and lack of energy, I could have been to too many places but never did, drinking was always in the way. I was drinking and was not sober nor drunk for the most part, years of my life gone to never return while I wasted my life away, living on the edge day after day, drink after drink while the population in this fast society where I live advance and I am struggling to keep from falling off of a cliff.

With alcoholism it is either a total defeat of the alcoholic, which will come eventually if the alcoholic keeps drinking assuming death does not come first, or a life of a lingering misery that takes a little bit of my health and sanity every passing day until I wake up one day, if I am lucky, and pain and suffering is all around me wanting another drink to drown it all one more time.

Sam

[quitat54]

Hi Sam

Well expressed. So much lost to alcohol. I think about it sometimes. Actually it keeps me from wanting to drink. So much shame, lost opportunity, hurt to oneself and others. Cannot me undone. Whatever I have left I want to live out consciously without regrets because I was not functioning at my full capacity. (Seldom attainable when drank, in pursuit of drink, or very hangover).
I thought about my need to drink yesterday. My son collapsed while shopping. I got a phone call from a hospital. He just got out of the car. Not sure whether it was an epilepsy or something else, like fainting... As I was waiting for all the tests to be done in a hospital I recalled that in my drinking days, feeling so stressed out the first thing I would do when back home is to have drinks, many and fast, hiding it from others, but at the same time having this overpowering need to have alcohol to relieve the stress. It would not make me less of a dad, I would still care for my son, yet...
I did fine without alcohol. More in control of myself, and situation. More helpful.
When I look back, outside of drinking for no reason at all, I always had to drink when stressed, angry, sad, happy, celebrating, relieved...
What a life...
J

[Sam]

Hi J,

Sorry to hear about your son, I hope he is well now and nothing serious.

As much as I want to forget the past and my drinking career it was a big chunk of my life, so big I can hardly remember doing anything that did not involve alcohol, had to have it in my hand, in my system and in my head. Can't help to think what my life would have been like without the alcohol, perhaps my age is making me look back, but I am not concerned about it as it is thoughts in my head about the past.

You are right about the need for alcohol to relieve stress, I certainly used it for that and more, I also had more stress after using alcohol, and drank even more to relieve my stress and so the cycle went.

I have been watching how people handle alcohol in many situations, and I am amazed at the control some people have, it is like alcohol is just another drink for them, like a soft drink or something, how do they do that? I know how they do it, they aren't alcoholic and don't need the buzz or the fix like you and I do, no need to use any beverage or drug to cope with life, no need to escape, just be in the present and have the ability to just live life as it happens.

Sam

[quitat54]

Hi Sam

I wondered very same thing, how some people can do it? It took me a long time to finally admit that they are not alcoholics and I am. There is no other explanation. It does not answer nor needs to the reason why one becomes an alcoholic. It just states the fact that one is an alcoholic... like one is a diabetic, or a physically handicapped. Because alcoholism, as you well pointed out can be hidden for many years, we reject the notion the we are handicapped and continue to believe that somehow we will be able to control it.
Great relief comes from admission. Because then the problem can be address intelligently. Namely I cannot drink, no matter what and no matter how much. So the rest of my life is dedicated to this goal. And it does get easier as one puts sober time in and learns the basic skills to deal with cravings, and then how to avoid them all together.

J

[Sam]

Hi J,

Alcoholism is a complex illness, to narrow it down to things that happened to the alcoholic in the past is doing the alcoholic injustice, and I know you did not say that I am commenting in general.

From my own experience my upbringing had little or nothing to do with my alcoholism, I do not recall being abused nor had an early rough life that drove me to drinking, I drank because at first I liked the feeling, I liked the buzz and I liked how alcohol enhanced my life. One can argue why did I need alcohol to feel good, why could I not feel good without the alcohol, I say hogwash, many many people that are not alcoholic or normal folks drink to feel good, it does not mean they are escaping whatever. My drinking progressed to become a necessity. I drank enough and long to make it part of my life, it progressed to wanting/needing alcohol all the time, how I progressed to that I don't know, what I know is my body likes alcohol and asks for it, there is something in my DNA that makes me crave and drink alcohol.

Good times, bad times I drank, not necessarily to escape, often to enjoy being wasted, if that makes any sense. People like me, I believe have a harder time quitting and staying quit, because I can not put my finger on what it is that make me want to drink to obliteration. Some reading this might say I am in denial, I was never in denial, I knew exactly what I was doing and what affect it had on me, I just could not stop a moving train until I could no longer drink safely. I had to take many thing in consideration like alcoholics do, but the truth is what someone once said......if I could drink like normal people, I'd drink everyday.

Sam

[angelina1512]

Hey Sam,

i believe that I drank because of problems I didn't want to face. I know some people drink because they hate the life they live and escaping in the bottom of a bottle makes it go away for a while. I think being unhappy whether it's in a marriage or work or both one can look for the escape. 

I know Icon use to write about things that made me look at myself. I wanted to face my fears more than I wanted to drink because I was going down a tube. Not drinking now doesn't bother me. My penguin still drinks, I'm ok with it. I can still laugh without the buzz.

my life isn't perfect but each day I face I face it knowing what I am saying and doing. When I was drinking I wouldn't remember half of the stuff hubby would tell me or even more embarrassing was what the kids told me.

i never did AA or the steps, never been to a meeting but I know some people need that sort of help. I found that just being here was enough for me to face things and then move on. No good beating yourself day in and day out. Me just admitting I was an alcoholic was enough for me to say enough was enough. Then facing my demons. Sounds simple but it really wasn't.

i know giving up drinking and smoking was very hard and I never want to have to do it all over again. I can never drink or never smoke again. No " just one" for me. On the smoking forum they talk about receptors closing down, a bit by bit, but " just one" wakes up the receptors and he wants more. We call it JT, for junkie thinking. So one, this week, but maybe two next week and by the end of the month back to full time. So " just one" is NEVER an option.

so Sam I hope you are well and happy. Good to see you.

tutu/Angelina 

[jeyu0422]

J, Sam, TuTu, et al,

I drank because it worked. Like Sam, my first drink was not because I was depressed or escaping anything; it was when I was a kid, while having a good time with friends, and the result was having a better time with friends. The second and subsequent times I drank, the results were similar. Years pass. The need to escape; it worked. Feeling down; it worked. Stress; it worked. Years pass. It still worked, but it took more and more to make it work, to achieve the same effect. Then it quit working. I couldn't drink enough to have a better time, to escape, to help with stress, yet through the years I had developed no other effective skills to deal with the everyday challenges of life, much less those extraordinary ones. I finally quit for good because I knew down deep inside that it was my very last chance to quit. That realization certainly came with the admission to myself and others that alcohol had me. I was and am an alcoholic. Since I quit drinking over two years ago, I am learning to experience life's joys as well as it's challenges as they are, unenhanced. At first, the cravings were almost unbearable, but over time they have lessened to a point where today, I hardly ever give alcohol a thought. Sure, there are times that it would be nice to be able to have a drink with friends or go to a wine tasting, but I've traveled that road and I know well where it leads.

I am as convinced today as I was on Day 0 that I don't have the power in me to quit again, so I will, mostly happily, continue along this path of sobriety.

Good to see the posts of some old friends. Speaking of old friends, one named Brett is approaching Two Years! Congratulations!

Mark/Jeyu

[Sam]

Hey Mark and tutu,

You two and Brett are the few that I know who got it right the first time, not me, I had to fall and get up many many times before I had any meaningful length of time sober, and that seems the case with most alcoholics, you're an exception and my hat is off to you.

Like Mark said it is good to hear from old friends. Keep in touch I miss posting and reading posts on this forum.

All the best,

Sam

[angelina1512]

Hey Sam

i couldn't have done this a second time. Going through the withdrawals, hulucinating, shakes, sweats, was not going to re live it. I made a promise to my penguin, I had lost everything but him, he stood by me while others gave me up as a drunk. So I was only going to do it once. But thanks for the compliment.

i would have not been able to stay sober if not for this place. I faced a lot of fears because of this site, because I had unconditional support here. Being an alcoholic is only understood by an alcoholic. Others just say " just have one or two" then stop. We get that that is not possible.

maybe we could all put in some more effort to get this site alive again. 

Tutu

[gwampa69]

I'm with you Ang. The forum is whatever we choose to make it. Its entirely up to us. Participation is the only way people will, well, participate. Still waiting to see your latest work. I know I know, I owe you a story.   

[jeyu0422]

Sam,
You said, "You two and Brett are the few that I know who got it right the first time, not me, I had to fall and get up many many times before I had any meaningful length of time sober, and that seems the case with most alcoholics, you're an exception and my hat is off to you."
Better put that hat back on, my friend. Over the thirty or so years that I tried to quit drinking "for good", my record is one success to about one thousand failures. For years I would wake up and swear off alcohol in the morning only to be drinking again that day, or the next week, or the next month. Once I made it about six months and thought I was doing great. That time I was derailed by a graduation dinner that I threw for my oldest daughter. We were at an expensive and trendy steak house. I was the host. I urged everyone to have coctails while I looked at the wine list and ordered some really nice wine for the table, both red and white. I said to myself, "This is a celebration. Just one scotch before dinner with everyone else won't hurt." So I ordered a double; good brand, though probably from Costco. (Sam, I'm sorry, but I just remembered that conversation on the old forum; awe, the good old days. Sorry again. Seriously, I really wanted to do a taste comparison and almost did.) Anyway, one led to another quick one before wine with dinner. Then, of course, after dinner drinks. When I got back to the hotel, I went down to the bar. The rest of the story is generally brought up at most family graduations. "Remember when Uncle Mark ......... ."
So, I was successful the first time on about my thousandth try. You and so many others on the forum were, in my mind, the big difference for me. I admitted that I couldn't do this alone and, fortunately, thanks to the forum, didn't have to. Luck played a big roll in this for he as well. Ang, Brett, and I all quit within 3 or 4 months of each other and went through the stages at about the same time. I really think we had something good here. Who knows, maybe we still do.

Mark/Jeyu

[Mark_LA]

Did my periodic surf-by and saw there were some new posts. Nice to see some "old" faces, and nice to see that everyone is still doing well.

Brett, if you should drop by again, I don't know if you picked up the private message I left you. Nothing important, just a "howya doin'?"

Gosh, it really is too bad this site doesn't get more traffic. Among active members who joined in the last 3 years, it seems to have a 100% success rate!

I spend less time thinking about alcoholism and recovery these days. I don't even really think about drinking, except in a "I'm so glad that's over" kind of way. If my "lizard brain" should ever try to convince me to join the "moderation" game again, I should have no problem sending it packing because I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that the playing field is permanently and precipitously tilted.

[gwampa69]

Hey Mark

I did receive your message last night. I guess I haven't logged in for a long time although I do periodically surf by like you but unfortunately, there is not much if any discussion going on.

I used to receive an email notice when I received a message on here but that didn't happen for your message. I just happened to see it when I logged in to post for my two years.

I left you a message in response.

Don't work too hard and enjoy that respite. Those don't come along often enough. I haven't worked this hard in my entire career.

 

[Sam]

You're right Jeye, I missed your early struggle and I did not mean to minimize your efforts on your journey, and it certainly is one. I guess I've known you to be sober for as long as I remember, and that is a good thing

Keep up the good work brother, hope all is well in your part of the world.

Sam

[angelina1512]

Hello Sam,

so so what is happening in your neck of the woods. I'm still in Tasmania. Loving it. Still painting and now an ex smoker as well. 11 months so I am doing well.

my penguin ( hubby) flies all over Australia for his work, he enjoys it. I still have my part time job which I hate but it pays the bills, and buys me paint when I need it.

so tell me what's happening your way.

tutu