Post by achilles1957 on Mar 17, 2016 1:52:14 GMT -5
Jessica, this is a difficult post to respond to for a couple of reasons. We're not usually asked to give much in the way of advice, we lean more towards sharing our experience, strength and hope with the aim of living a healthy life, free of alcohol. Not knowing your age, past experience with relationships etc also restricts my response, perhaps a little more information would help. Anyway, here goes ...
No one can know if someone is an "alcoholic", I'm not even sure, after all these years, exactly what defines an alcoholic and ultimately it doesn't really matter. When any behaviour causes ones life to be disturbed and restricted yet one can't stop that behaviour, then one has a problem. Do you know if this man is suffering because of his drinking? Only he can decide if he has a problem and only he can seek help if it's needed, as you mentioned.
There's a couple of warning signs Jessica... he's pushing you away for a reason, yes? One can speculate as to whether he wants to protect you from being hurt because of his drinking or perhaps he hurt his wife or was hurt by her, possibly he fears the age difference. It's all speculation ... the only thing I can offer is the suggestion of complete and utter honesty, transparency on both your parts. I would talk to him and tell him how I feel, tell him what I feared and what I needed in a relationship...absolute honesty.
I am a "fixer" by nature, as soon as I meet someone with a problem, I want to help them. Perhaps you also have to analyse your attraction to this man .. perhaps you want to nurture and support him as he did for you or because it is your nature. He's only two years out of a 19 year marriage, he's still in recovery in a sense. Perhaps he's not ready for another intense relationship. These are all questions only he can answer. We all have behaviours that cause us some form of suffering, but ...alcoholism is a dangerous disease that can cause much pain ... be very mindful of the strength needed to stand by someone who is suffering.
I wish I could help you but I fear I'm confusing the situation even more.
Take care Jessica,
Jenn
No one can know if someone is an "alcoholic", I'm not even sure, after all these years, exactly what defines an alcoholic and ultimately it doesn't really matter. When any behaviour causes ones life to be disturbed and restricted yet one can't stop that behaviour, then one has a problem. Do you know if this man is suffering because of his drinking? Only he can decide if he has a problem and only he can seek help if it's needed, as you mentioned.
There's a couple of warning signs Jessica... he's pushing you away for a reason, yes? One can speculate as to whether he wants to protect you from being hurt because of his drinking or perhaps he hurt his wife or was hurt by her, possibly he fears the age difference. It's all speculation ... the only thing I can offer is the suggestion of complete and utter honesty, transparency on both your parts. I would talk to him and tell him how I feel, tell him what I feared and what I needed in a relationship...absolute honesty.
I am a "fixer" by nature, as soon as I meet someone with a problem, I want to help them. Perhaps you also have to analyse your attraction to this man .. perhaps you want to nurture and support him as he did for you or because it is your nature. He's only two years out of a 19 year marriage, he's still in recovery in a sense. Perhaps he's not ready for another intense relationship. These are all questions only he can answer. We all have behaviours that cause us some form of suffering, but ...alcoholism is a dangerous disease that can cause much pain ... be very mindful of the strength needed to stand by someone who is suffering.
I wish I could help you but I fear I'm confusing the situation even more.
Take care Jessica,
Jenn
