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For Kim
Oct 8, 2015 19:56:41 GMT -5
Post by achilles1957 on Oct 8, 2015 19:56:41 GMT -5
Good morning Kim, evening All, All's as it should be in the far north, getting hotter by the day and the 'Mango Winds' have set in with a vengeance. I've had a challenging few days with my husband being unwell, we spent Monday at the ER and have been having daily visits from the nurse since then. Diabetes, alcoholism, so many diseases can be killers if left unchallenged .. Denial, although not a disease per se, can be just as fatal. It's interesting, lessons can be learned in day to day living, they're available in the simplest of actions/observations if one has the clarity of mind so as to inhale them. No effort needed sometimes, just observe and inhale !! ;-)
With regard to letting emotions flow freely.. well I don't know if that's quite so simple. For decades, when my children were at home, my emotions (anger, resentment, negative emotions) were bottled up (pun intended). I trained myself not to react, to avoid conflict at all costs. Living with someone who 'lived to react' taught me so much and for that I'm grateful. My children and I learned how NOT to behave i.e. over-reaction to the simplest of everyday nuances. I'm a very placid person, nothing much upsets me. I'm not sure if this is due to living with someone who is so easily upset or whether it's just me. It's hard to remember myself prior to 37 years ago but my sisters' memories tell me that I've always been 'easy going'. I do get upset by intentional cruelty but that's different.. I don't know what I'm trying to say, well I do but to put it into words.. ergh.
My anger and resentment toward my husband was only released in my room with my bottle.s.s.s. It became my refuge, a place, state of mind I could go to, to escape. Even when I'd go for months or years without wanting or needing a drink/escape, I always knew it was there when and if it got too bad. "Got to bad" in my mind meant that I wasn't 'strong enough or good enough' to put up with it. The option/choice was always there, I could always 'switch off' when and if I chose. Needless to say he'd get an ear bashing if the kids were at school camp or sleepovers etc, didn't happen often enough though, haha!
I'm very emotional, I cry in the Qantas and Telstra ads, movies, songs, with abandon. I've lived my life ruled by my emotions and intuition .. it's asserting myself and setting boundaries that I have trouble with. My mother was a very strong, kind-hearted woman whom I adored. She always said that if you wanted something done properly, do it yourself. I've taken her advice to a whole new level and find it nearly impossible to ask for help on any level. I'm trying so hard to change that, I don't even know if it's possible. I was asked again at my AA meeting yesterday, if I had a sponsor and the importance of one was stressed by a couple of folk. I can't even get my head around finding someone that I want to spend time with, someone that I believe can help me more than I can help myself, let alone actually asking someone to be my sponsor. Oh the ego of it all !!!
With regard to letting emotions flow freely ... Kim, just let your fingers tap the keyboard and feel what comes out, my keyboard has a diuretic affect on me, nothing like a good purge. Yvan used to refer to my posts as 'books' .. oh my stars how I miss him ! See?, tears come so easily for me, it's ridiculous. ;-)
Off to the real-estate and Centrelink soon ... my students are doing well, we're going up the mountains on the weekend, hopefully the waterfalls are flowing, we so need rain !
Take care all,
Jenn
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For Kim
Oct 10, 2015 15:45:13 GMT -5
Post by JoeY on Oct 10, 2015 15:45:13 GMT -5
ok i got a problem with pressure tactics used at some AA meetings. there is no one size fits all but damn if some of them don't portray it just as that. i don't know your total history Jenn so don't know if you've sought professional help with some of your problems. i had many more issues than what AA could even think of dealing with. not drinking is only a step in the process IMHO
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For Kim
Oct 10, 2015 16:18:41 GMT -5
Post by achilles1957 on Oct 10, 2015 16:18:41 GMT -5
Thanks for your response Joey. No I've never sought professional help and yes it definitely coulda woulda helped back in the day, perhaps still would. My children have all left home now so I have no need to suppress my reactions and feelings. My husband has changed for the better in many ways, perhaps he's finally grown up. I have very little to complain about, my life is very easy and mostly very peaceful. I allowed myself to be treated badly in the past, to feel diminished with little value .. now I don't. Change doesn't happen if change doesn't happen and thankfully it has, it had to, but it has been a struggle worth struggling for. Now to learn to leave the resentments behind ... takes a lot of work to get to that place but hopefully ..
Off to my Sunday morning meeting today, they're good meetings, spiritual concepts, easy listening.
;-)
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For Kim
Oct 10, 2015 16:26:09 GMT -5
Post by JoeY on Oct 10, 2015 16:26:09 GMT -5
ok i guess i was years off the mark there so thanks for bringing up to speed on that. glad to hear things are going well with you now. life is good
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For Kim
Oct 10, 2015 16:28:49 GMT -5
Post by bethanne711 on Oct 10, 2015 16:28:49 GMT -5
Hi Achilles, you are so pretty ! Glad to see you doing so well. I wish I had your strength. Beth
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For Kim
Oct 10, 2015 16:56:17 GMT -5
Post by achilles1957 on Oct 10, 2015 16:56:17 GMT -5
Oh Beth that's so sweet of you to say, amazing what a bit of lippy and mascara can do !
My dependence on my strength has been my downfall in some ways, always expecting too much from myself, demanding perfection, etc. These days I allow myself to feel blah without the guilt, without using alcohol "to make things better" .. it truly never does. It's knowing that and grasping that knowledge with every fibre of my being that's given me peace. The obsession with desperately trying to suck an improvement to my 'now' out of a bottle has left me .. I'm good enough just the way I am. I will grow from the inside .. just have to stop growing on the outside right now, haha !!
How're you doing Beth, what's new in your world? How's John and the new property?
Jenn
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For Kim
Oct 11, 2015 10:45:22 GMT -5
Post by bethanne711 on Oct 11, 2015 10:45:22 GMT -5
Hi Jenn, great to hear back from you. Yes, lipstick and mascara can work wonders. I don't leave home without it...lol. You really sound full of conviction and determination. You have really come a long way. John is doing very good, always busy either at work or working here at the house. He hardly ever sits down. Currently he has been working a lot on building me a new bathroom and walk in closet. It started out as a smaller spare bedroom and he divided it in 2 by building a wall. I have a 10 ft. long vanity/counter with beautiful tile on top that sort of looks like stone. Now he is working on the walls and floor. It is a very long term project as he has many " irons in the fir ". I, on the other hand am basically couch bound with this broken leg from 2 months ago. It is healing but I have a long, long way to go. I have a plate and 10 screws below my knee. Fun, fun ! lol Take good care of yourself as you obviously have been.... Beth
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For Kim
Oct 11, 2015 11:35:26 GMT -5
Post by JoeY on Oct 11, 2015 11:35:26 GMT -5
Hi Beth, my finger that had a run in with the table saw is coming along fine as well, still not much feeling in it though. my eye finally healed up from my face implant against the wall too. do the screws and plate come out or are they a permanent part of you now?
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For Kim
Oct 13, 2015 13:54:51 GMT -5
Post by bethanne711 on Oct 13, 2015 13:54:51 GMT -5
Hi Beth, my finger that had a run in with the table saw is coming along fine as well, still not much feeling in it though. my eye finally healed up from my face implant against the wall too. do the screws and plate come out or are they a permanent part of you now? Hey Joe, sorry for the delayed reply. I miss not getting notifications that I have an email meant for me. And to answer your question, the plate and screws are a permanent part of me now. I've sort of grown attached to them now...lol ! Beth
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For Kim
Oct 13, 2015 14:44:26 GMT -5
Post by JoeY on Oct 13, 2015 14:44:26 GMT -5
Hi Beth, you're in for a fun time if you ever fly anywhere again.
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For Kim
Oct 13, 2015 15:20:09 GMT -5
Post by bethanne711 on Oct 13, 2015 15:20:09 GMT -5
Isn't that the truth ! Seriously, will they just take my word for it or do I have to provide some sort of proof. I'm sure they would need proof or everybody would claim it....lol. Beth
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For Kim
Oct 13, 2015 17:47:31 GMT -5
Post by achilles1957 on Oct 13, 2015 17:47:31 GMT -5
Hey Kim are you out there? Haven't heard from you in awhile, I hope you're well.
Not too sure about that Beth but I'd advise doing some research before taking a flight, for sure, don't fancy being strip searched. When my sisters and I flew into LA international airport many years ago, we were held up for hours while the cast on my sisters broken arm was removed. We were so shocked, couldn't believe it. I can't imagine just walking through after claiming "metal in my leg".. ;-) You sound well Beth, I'd go stir crazy being confined to the couch, hope you've got some good books, crosswords perhaps, to keep you occupied.
Sure is quiet around here !!
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For Kim
Oct 13, 2015 20:20:33 GMT -5
Post by Pam on Oct 13, 2015 20:20:33 GMT -5
Salutations Kim! I'm still working on Step 4 and making an inventory. Hope you are feeling well and confident in your progress. Keep in touch!
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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For Kim
Oct 13, 2015 20:31:59 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2015 20:31:59 GMT -5
Good morning Kim, evening All, All's as it should be in the far north, getting hotter by the day and the 'Mango Winds' have set in with a vengeance. I've had a challenging few days with my husband being unwell, we spent Monday at the ER and have been having daily visits from the nurse since then. Diabetes, alcoholism, so many diseases can be killers if left unchallenged .. Denial, although not a disease per se, can be just as fatal. It's interesting, lessons can be learned in day to day living, they're available in the simplest of actions/observations if one has the clarity of mind so as to inhale them. No effort needed sometimes, just observe and inhale !! ;-) With regard to letting emotions flow freely.. well I don't know if that's quite so simple. For decades, when my children were at home, my emotions (anger, resentment, negative emotions) were bottled up (pun intended). I trained myself not to react, to avoid conflict at all costs. Living with someone who 'lived to react' taught me so much and for that I'm grateful. My children and I learned how NOT to behave i.e. over-reaction to the simplest of everyday nuances. I'm a very placid person, nothing much upsets me. I'm not sure if this is due to living with someone who is so easily upset or whether it's just me. It's hard to remember myself prior to 37 years ago but my sisters' memories tell me that I've always been 'easy going'. I do get upset by intentional cruelty but that's different.. I don't know what I'm trying to say, well I do but to put it into words.. ergh. My anger and resentment toward my husband was only released in my room with my bottle.s.s.s. It became my refuge, a place, state of mind I could go to, to escape. Even when I'd go for months or years without wanting or needing a drink/escape, I always knew it was there when and if it got too bad. "Got to bad" in my mind meant that I wasn't 'strong enough or good enough' to put up with it. The option/choice was always there, I could always 'switch off' when and if I chose. Needless to say he'd get an ear bashing if the kids were at school camp or sleepovers etc, didn't happen often enough though, haha! I'm very emotional, I cry in the Qantas and Telstra ads, movies, songs, with abandon. I've lived my life ruled by my emotions and intuition .. it's asserting myself and setting boundaries that I have trouble with. My mother was a very strong, kind-hearted woman whom I adored. She always said that if you wanted something done properly, do it yourself. I've taken her advice to a whole new level and find it nearly impossible to ask for help on any level. I'm trying so hard to change that, I don't even know if it's possible. I was asked again at my AA meeting yesterday, if I had a sponsor and the importance of one was stressed by a couple of folk. I can't even get my head around finding someone that I want to spend time with, someone that I believe can help me more than I can help myself, let alone actually asking someone to be my sponsor. Oh the ego of it all !!! With regard to letting emotions flow freely ... Kim, just let your fingers tap the keyboard and feel what comes out, my keyboard has a diuretic affect on me, nothing like a good purge. Yvan used to refer to my posts as 'books' .. oh my stars how I miss him ! See?, tears come so easily for me, it's ridiculous. ;-) Off to the real-estate and Centrelink soon ... my students are doing well, we're going up the mountains on the weekend, hopefully the waterfalls are flowing, we so need rain ! Take care all, Jenn Hey Jenn, I'm going well or well enough. You gave me a lot to think about in your last post. Maybe too much for my demented brain, just joking. Sorry to hear about your husbands health scare. I remember you telling me he had diabetes. So do I and follow a really strict diet, too scared not to. I've stopped seeing my alcohol counsellor for the moment. She wanted to write down my feelings everytime I had a craving and I found it just a waste of time and made me feel worse. I'm much better just distracting myself. Interestingly she said that alcohol is just a way of bottling down our emotions, to avoid feeling. It resonates with what you posted. I wish I could cry like you and just let it all out. Sometimes tears run down my cheeks unbidden but I hardly ever sob or really cry. Maybe I keep too tight a rein on myself, causing chest pains and the like. I'm glad to hear that AA is going well for you. I finally got my car fixed 'Hooray' but haven't yet made it to a meeting. I'm kind of picky which ones I go to, I like the ones where people have good sobriety. There's 3 on the next 3 nights so I'll try and make one. With regards to a sponsor, I can understand your reluctance. All the good ones always seem to be taken already in my experience. I remember Yvan saying once he didn't have a sponsor but just gleaned experience from different people, maybe there's not so much pressure in the UK as what there is here. Maybe wait to find someone you really click with. As for rain, we definitely need it down here. My lawn is as hard as a rock so no motivation to plant anything or it will just die. I can't remember it ever being this dry. Anyway enough said for now.
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For Kim
Oct 14, 2015 5:26:46 GMT -5
Post by JoeY on Oct 14, 2015 5:26:46 GMT -5
not much to offer but an observation to one of your comments. the UK seems to turn a blind eye to the alcoholic problem they have here. although better than it was it's not as widely(officially)acknowledged as it is in the states. also i don't feel there is enough in the way of confidentially laws to protect a person telling their doc that have an alcohol problem or going to you HR person seeking leave to go to rehab. i've read instances that if your unemployed collecting benefits then try to seek help for your problem that you have just admitted that you're unemployable to the kick you of off unemployment. as many have said before, you don't know how good you've got it in the states until you actually live in another country. AA meetings vary greatly so do go to different ones to see what's out there.
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