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For Kim
Sept 15, 2015 4:58:49 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2015 4:58:49 GMT -5
Hey Brett, Thanks so much for your post. Its nice to know I'm sounding more like myself. Your phrase 'You gotta keep that ball moving in the right direction' stayed in my mind all day. Chest pains almost non-existent today but I'm planning a trip to the doctor later this week just in case. I worked in the garden today so starting to feel great. Just have to watch out for the inbuilt forgetter atm I think.
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For Kim
Sept 17, 2015 7:14:41 GMT -5
Post by blueskye on Sept 17, 2015 7:14:41 GMT -5
Kim,
Drinking heavily damages the heart muscle. Heck, drinking heavily damages every organ (and cell) in our body. My father died from the effects of alcoholism - he died from cardiomyopathy (heart failure) and renal (kidney) failure. His liver was in fairly good shape, surprisingly. He had a massive coronary at age 36, which he survived. But he carried on drinking and smoking and died just days after turning 68. I felt incredibly sad that it was preventable. I felt sad that he died young. I felt sad that his quality of life was poor because he was always sick, hungover and tired.
But I keep in mind that he said to me many times, "If I die tomorrow, I die a happy man". That used to give me comfort, but now I see it as denial of his condition. His addicted mind protected itself from the truth to the bitter end. Death.
We don't have to die like that, Kim. You and I can live sober and healthy.
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For Kim
Sept 17, 2015 17:28:57 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2015 17:28:57 GMT -5
Hey Blue, Wow that is one sad story Blue especially when it was your father and was preventable. I'm sorry that that happened to you. That is what my doctor said to me that at this stage everything is still preventable. I think I do have some heart damage but nothing major. My liver is still okay as well. I am still sober by some miracle I think or it was the chest pains that scared the shift out of me. I'm finding it a little hard coping with stress but just try to move forward, problem solve, and think that I am stronger than yesterday. I've also got the motivation of my kids coming back to me now. I'm using distraction and mindfulness to try and keep me centered. Thanks so much for your post.
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For Kim
Sept 17, 2015 17:46:37 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by gwampa69 on Sept 17, 2015 17:46:37 GMT -5
Hey Kim You sound really good. Just wanted you to know that.
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For Kim
Sept 17, 2015 17:55:18 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2015 17:55:18 GMT -5
Thanks Brett. That was nice of you.
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For Kim
Sept 18, 2015 15:53:17 GMT -5
Post by blueskye on Sept 18, 2015 15:53:17 GMT -5
Kim,
Knowing that you are still in relatively good health, is something to hang on to. We have the power to halt this disease/affliction in its tracks. It doesn't have to take us down. In this instance, I don't agree with the idea of powerlessness. Both you and I have our mental faculties; we both have a certain amount of control over our actions and decisions. If we feel like it's all too much and we're losing our power, we can ask for help.
Every rock bottom has a trap door. That means the true rock bottom for anyone is death. We don't have to wait until the trap door opens. We can bring the bottom up to meet us where we are.
When you feel good and solid in your recovery, take notice of what you're doing, thinking, feeling etc... so you can remember what it feels like. Then when you're having a tough day - go back to what you were doing before. Reach out for help if you need to. Sometimes this is too much for us to deal with all by ourself. But there is help available. We just have to reach out while we can.
Take care.
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For Kim
Sept 25, 2015 14:53:50 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2015 14:53:50 GMT -5
Hey All, I thought I would give you an update on how I am going. Chest pains are being investigated and I'm getting referred back to a heart specialist. I went before about 4 years ago and the results were inconclusive and I was meant to go back for more tests but didn't bother. I kept on drinking and later took up smoking which was another dumb move. Why I do such dumb things is a mystery to me. Now I'm faced with the prospect of being newly sober and knowing I have to give up smoking as well. Its a scary thought but less scary than getting a heart attack and dying. I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed by it all. At the moment, I've cut down my smokes for starters. My diet is already sorted so thats good. One less thing to work on.
My alcohol counsellor is really helpful and agreed with PJ's article about drinking to avoid conflict. She talked about how alcohol and smokes hit the neurotransmitters in the brain and give us a 'feel good'. Alcohol is an escape mechanism to avoid facing up to the realities of life. Both alcohol and smokes are used to push down emotions instead of dealing with them. So in her opinion I need to find another way to 'feel good'. Walking is one way which I'm extending to two walks a day (just no steep hills lol). I also need a hobby so I have to think about that one. I do enjoy gardening so I'm working on that one until I can come up with another one. So I guess she's confronted me that I need a radical life change so maybe the chest pains are good that it woke me up to myself.
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For Kim
Sept 27, 2015 9:47:01 GMT -5
Post by blueskye on Sept 27, 2015 9:47:01 GMT -5
Kim, don't know if I've mentioned it before, but take a look at the smoking cessation forum. It's a busy forum, with lots of supportive advice and help.
If I had chest pains, I would be scared. Quitting the smokes would be my priority. Imagine how good you will feel on your walks, breathing in the fresh air!
Take care.
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For Kim
Sept 27, 2015 16:43:58 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2015 16:43:58 GMT -5
Hey Blue, Thanks I'll take a look at it. I am scared everytime I light up one. Smoking definitely has to go. I've managed to halve the amount I smoke atm and are already feeling more energetic.
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For Kim
Sept 29, 2015 18:04:55 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Sept 29, 2015 18:04:55 GMT -5
Hey Everyone, I'm feeling pretty down today after almost a week of feeling good. I've had lots of cravings to the point where I am pacing the house looking for my fix of alcohol to take away the stress, anxiety, emotional pain and fear. I feel like the smokes are almost easier to give up because they don't give me a feeling of wanting to get blotto just a craving for a nicotine hit. Crying phases seem to have passed and I'm not into wallowing in the 'poor me' although that's easy to do. My daily walk is really helping and using HALT although sometimes I feel like I'm four out of four on that one. Distraction seems to be working well for both alcohol and smokes and the days are passing quickly as I catch up on things that I've been wanting to do. Thanks for listening to my tale of woe lol.
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For Kim
Sept 29, 2015 19:19:39 GMT -5
Post by Pam on Sept 29, 2015 19:19:39 GMT -5
Hey Kim,
I'm sorry you're having a tough day. I'm glad you took the time to share. . . . Distraction is my "go to" also. . . when I'm feeling out of sorts. Always treat yourself well.
PT
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For Kim
Sept 30, 2015 0:32:41 GMT -5
Post by achilles1957 on Sept 30, 2015 0:32:41 GMT -5
Hi Kim, Yeah I too am sorry to hear that you're a bit down but I must add that feeling down without alcohol is so much less complicated and less painful than feeling down with alcohol.. for me anyway and I hope it's the same for you. Adding alcohol to the normal ups and downs of everyday life also adds horrors such as shame, guilt, regret, "hell of a lot of good that did" to the mixture and makes it all rather unbearable me thinks. I don't ever remember a moment in my entire life where I said/thought.. 'gee I'm glad I drank yesterday, I feel so much better today, good choice Jenn' ... The only real regrets in my life are centred around the consumption of alcohol (not regrets so much now, thankfully I view them differently) .. but times when I wasn't behaving with my best interests in mind (or of those who loved me), actions and words that didn't come from my authentic self but rather from the distorted view of the world as seen through the bottom of a bottle. I don't mean those flighty early days, teens, twenties, etc, when drinking was fun... I haven't seen those days for decades now .. alcohol only brings darkness for me and that's just the way it is. I don't want that darkness so I don't drink alcohol.
Tomorrow's another day Kim, perhaps you'll feel better 'when the sun comes up' ..
Take care for today, ride through the storms (how many bolts of lightning did you guys get down there.. thousands ??) ...
Jenn
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For Kim
Sept 30, 2015 2:53:18 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Sept 30, 2015 2:53:18 GMT -5
Hey Jenn, Great to hear from you. I've been wondering how you were going and whether you were still going to AA. I managed to make it through the day sober although I had a few tempting moments. My alcohol counsellor calls them the 'fluck it' moments where you don't care anymore of the consequences and just want a drink no matter what the cost. I gave in way too easily in the past to cope with stress, anger or boredom. You are right about that it only makes the normal everyday life worse and that it only feels worse for giving in. I like what you said about not behaving with my best interests in mind. Do I really want to die from heart failure, have an accident or worse? I need to keep my best interests in mind losing weight, getting fit and not feeling my body with poisons. I'm also totally unpredictable when I drink and in my last relapse I found it wasn't helping at all sometimes more angry than what I was before I drank. Drinking did start out as something fun to do but turned out to be a liar and bit me in the ass so to speak. Its easy to romanticize the drink and the inbuilt forgetter always comes in to play. I'm going better with halving my smokes than alcohol cravings. Its the constant coughing with the smokes that puts me off plus they are way too expensive. I like what you said about the darkness and I'll give that a bit more thought. Thanks so much for your post. It has been a difficult day. Bolts of lightning not too bad, actually none where I live, we rarely get hail or anything here which is good.
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For Kim
Sept 30, 2015 7:39:35 GMT -5
Post by Dana on Sept 30, 2015 7:39:35 GMT -5
Hi Kim, congrats for getting through a rough patch without drinking! That's gotta feel really good. And makes you that much stronger in your resolve to stay sober. I got really emotional (up and down rollercoaster ride) when I was newly sober. And always so relieved the next day when I woke up and still had the same sobriety date.
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For Kim
Sept 30, 2015 13:06:53 GMT -5
Post by bethanne711 on Sept 30, 2015 13:06:53 GMT -5
Hey Jenn, Great to hear from you. I've been wondering how you were going and whether you were still going to AA. I managed to make it through the day sober although I had a few tempting moments. My alcohol counsellor calls them the 'fluck it' moments where you don't care anymore of the consequences and just want a drink no matter what the cost. I gave in way too easily in the past to cope with stress, anger or boredom. You are right about that it only makes the normal everyday life worse and that it only feels worse for giving in. I like what you said about not behaving with my best interests in mind. Do I really want to die from heart failure, have an accident or worse? I need to keep my best interests in mind losing weight, getting fit and not feeling my body with poisons. I'm also totally unpredictable when I drink and in my last relapse I found it wasn't helping at all sometimes more angry than what I was before I drank. Drinking did start out as something fun to do but turned out to be a liar and bit me in the ass so to speak. Its easy to romanticize the drink and the inbuilt forgetter always comes in to play. I'm going better with halving my smokes than alcohol cravings. Its the constant coughing with the smokes that puts me off plus they are way too expensive. I like what you said about the darkness and I'll give that a bit more thought. Thanks so much for your post. It has been a difficult day. Bolts of lightning not too bad, actually none where I live, we rarely get hail or anything here which is good. Hi Kim, good for you that you made it through the temptation. That is something to be proud of. The gloominess will pass as long as you stay your strong self ! Writing about it helps, doesn't it ? We're here to help. Beth
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