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Post by doodoodotdot1 on Sept 3, 2015 17:08:13 GMT -5
Well, for the record, I said the new forum has improved functionality, not that it's easier to use I'm a lot better at the "accept the things I cannot change" part of the deal than I used to be, but haven't yet made much progress on having "the courage to change the things I can." I think that might mean I could be described more accurately as "apathetic" than truly "serene." I keep trying, though -- progress, not perfection. Seems to me that having the self-awareness about your unproductive emotional reactions and their effect on your serenity is a huge step in the right direction. The ability to step outside those reactions and choose not to let them overtake your psyche, as you put it, seems to be an acquired skill. Like learning any other skill, it takes practice. What do you do about it when you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed by the stock market gyrations or your daughter's slobby room? Ok, improved functionally. Got it. I haven't improved functionally...that's the problem . Serenity comes and goes for me. Apathy seems pretty persistant so I relate. But yes, progress not perfection!! Well I'm darn self aware but what has that gotten me...step in apathy. Unproductive emotional reactions? How about a step further...I have zero zip emotional intelligence...let alone the ability to control myself. I'm not a raging maniac all the time or anything but things can really get to me at times. And I simply can't afford it. And it can be as simple as 'accept the things I cannot change'. And how about THINK for just a darn minute? Or stop, drop and roll. Do nothing. What did I do when my stocks dropped (oh and everyone elses) I emailed my broker and cried in his cheerios asking him to tell me he forgot to invest the money we had discussed the week prior. He had not. Efficient *astard. Haha. I've been working with him for 25 years so he knows me....'you're in this for the long haul, you are well invested, the stock market does this, you're going to be fine. There, there'. Okay, thanks. Talk to you in a month. My daughter? I ask her to clean her room, make her feel guilty when I clean it for her, take away her phone. Give it back, room is a mess within 10 minutes, I shut the door and google stuff. She is a great kid. I couldn't ask for anything else. The room will NEVER be clean. It just won't. And it doesn't matter. Its her room. She's a slob, its an art form. Let it go!
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Post by doodoodotdot1 on Sept 3, 2015 17:26:14 GMT -5
I hope I'm doing this right, just got here and this is the first "thread", or "discussion", or "topic", or whatever the hell they're called here, that I read. I don't have a ton of time right now, but my mind is racing with this topic! Yes. YES. I have this too! And I take it one step further...when circumstances or situations are good and positive, I will start trying to "figure out" exactly what's going to go wrong, how the #### is going to hit the fan, and I will sit in my head and map out the entire scenario. To the point where I'm almost creepily oblivious to the outside world around me and living out the "impending doom" in my head. It even effects me physically...pounding heart, knots in my stomach, headache. I have a better understanding today of just how f'd up I really am than I ever have before. How f'd up I am, ME. Having nothing to do with anyone or anything outside of me. But the funny thing is, despite that (or probably because of it, in part), I'm the happiest I've been in many many years. I've only recently started to really get a handle on the super obsessive thinking (and the problem just kicked into high gear for me about 6 months ago for some reason). I'll try to give the short version of some things I've found very helpful since I'm short on time right now...Getting very honest with myself about why I'm doing it (the obsessing). I have to just stop myself, sometimes "forcefully", and listen to the thing that's really driving it, rumbling underneath the chaos of the obsession. Sometimes it helps me to be very honest with other people(scary honest is what I refer to it as lol) about what's going on in my head, even when I'm not 100% sure I know exactly myself yet. That really helps, and in fact I'm not sure how I'd know as much about myself If I never did that. Meditation - I started going to a Buddhist temple, but thanks to my location the nearest one is 45 minutes away so I don't go as often as I'd like and mostly meditate at home, sometimes at work lol. I've read a lot of "self help" type stuff... Eckhart Tolle, Thich Nhat Hanh, along those lines. Gotta run for now, but I'll be anxious to see what else will be posted here. Thanks for starting this topic. Hi MsAnn How the heck are you? Oh lord, obsessive thinking. Overthinking. My nemisis. And catastrophizing. I've been learning about this as it seems there is a connection between this personality type (me) and PTSD (me, too). Again, the coping thing. My Mom (mommy dearest) was a catastrophizer...as was her Mom. It was all good, or all going to he!!, nothing inbetween. Huge over reactions. Her way of coping? Denial. Massive, large scale, pervasive, all encompassing denial. But it seems to have worked for her. While I am also good at denial, I can't stay there....bring in overthinking. And simply a love for truth...at least my truth (hmmmm, relative?). I think also my tendency toward procrastination is linked to this 'chicken little the sky is falling' thinking. If do nothing, nothing happens. But that is incredibly stressful. Yes, stop oneself. Identify the emotion...give it a name (this is fear, this is anger, this is sadness) look at it...and let it walk away. Sort of like urge surfing, but the urge is to overthink or obsess, rather than drink. Am I going to ride the thought to the shore, or get off the wave and let it head on in. Mindfulness I think is another term for this. Amazingly simple and effective. Just naming my emotion takes it quickly to what is driving the obsession. I agree. And honesty with others. Or for me, telling them how I feel and what I need, before I'm so freaked out I don't know what's going on. You know, we have a Dharma center. They have a speaker and a meditiation thingy after that on Tuesdays. I'm gonna try it. I look things up, get all prepared, then...Oh Ancient Aliens is on...good lord. I'm cancelling my cable. Who needs it. I've got Netflix. Good to hear from you!
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Post by doodoodotdot1 on Sept 3, 2015 17:30:41 GMT -5
Hi everyone, I finally figured out how to register to this new forum. Sorry to thread drift here but not knowing how to start a new thread yet, I thought I'd risk it. It's very simple. How will we know if we get a message reply ? Will it be like before where I would to to my Outlook mail page and there would be an indication there telling me so ? Hope this finds all well and happy. Beth Hey Bethanne Glad you're here. We're gonna have to put some effort into getting this thing going I think. I hope you've figured things out cause I have no clue. I can't even tell if something is to me, or how to reply without a quote. I'll have to fiddle around with this.
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Post by doodoodotdot1 on Sept 3, 2015 17:31:45 GMT -5
Hi Bethanne, 1) On the blue menu at the top of the page on the left hand side, click on "Profile." 2) Click on "Edit Profile" (right side of page) 3) Click on "Notifications" 4) There's a list of what you can be notified of, and how. Click on each one you want to change in order to set your preferences. This board seems to be set up so that you when you click on "reply," you're just adding a post to a thread, you're not responding to a particular person. Therefore there isn't a way to get a notification of a personal response, only that someone has replied on a thread to which you've posted. However, if you click on the gear thingy at the right-hand side of a post, one of the options is "Member," and if you mouse over that, one of the choices is "Send Message." It looks like you can private message posters that way. If so, then this is similar to other forums I've visited where private conversations can be kept separate from forum postings (which I prefer, FWIW). The Forum Master.....
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Post by doodoodotdot1 on Sept 3, 2015 17:40:32 GMT -5
Whenever I'm upset (angry, sad, frustrated, etc.) about something or someone out "there" - something outside of myself... I've learned that there is something wrong with ME. Things/situations are neutral until I say whether it's good or bad. And I wonder why does everything have to be "good" or "bad" anyway?? Why can't it just be neutral? There may be a lot of chaos and turmoil and discontent in the world, but I don't have to internalize it. It really is a choice how I perceive, judge, allow myself to be affected by circumstances and situations. I've learned a lot from the likes of Byron Katie, Pema Chodron, and don Miguel Ruiz. And it's not that I don't care about you, or about world hunger, or about my family and all its dysfunction. I can be caring and loving and kind without having to sacrifice my own well-being. And I can still throw temper tantrums too, but usually only in my mind. There aren't many people I allow to see that side of me. And as time goes on I'm getting better at identifying those upsets as they are beginning to boil and fester, and so I get to calm down a whole lot faster than I used to. I could stew over something for days but I've found that I don't like that very much anymore. It's much more pleasant to be at peace (most of the time). Anyway, I think with your daughter - you have house rules right? And if a clean room is one of the rules and she breaks it then there will be consequences. And you get to decide the consequences. She either cleans her room (to your satisfaction, or to some compromise) or pays the price. Simple. It doesn't have to be upsetting. I don't have kids, you see, so I'm an expert. heh heh... I don't think I would have been a very good parent anyway. I have a lot of respect for you folks who are trying to raise up a good human being. xoxo Dana Hi Dana Okay How'd you get to be a junior member? Sell a lot of Girl Scout cookies or somethin? I want to be you. And for brief time periods I have what you're describing. But like you holding onto upsetting things and stewing over them (which I can do for months, years) is horrid. I'm sure it takes years off my life. I am done living that way. I really lost myself over the last year. Its been miserable. So its time to get me back, and then some. That's where I start. But this whole emotional intelligence thing...which is what you're describing, or at least a part of it...maybe it's just maturity, doesn't come naturally for me. I have to practice. My brain will follow...I think that's the 'this thing get easier' over time part. I make bad choices for myself all the time. The wrong people, the wrong reactions, the wrong emotions, the wrong substances...it goes on and on. I want to be at peace. I wanna be a big girl
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Post by Dana on Sept 3, 2015 17:45:55 GMT -5
Hey doodoodotdot1 (yes, we figured out how to 'tag' a member), um... Ancient Aliens, really? Is that actually a show? LOL!! I don't mean to laugh, it's just that we come up with some interesting ways of talking ourselves out of things, huh. I've been "too busy" to go to the dojo the last month or two and I've been meaning to get back there! I can go all day long with that intention set. I'm going to karate tonight. Period. I plan my day around it and my evening. I'm going. No excuses. Good grief everyone knows I'm going! My wife comes home after me, she sees me in my comfy cozies - what, no karate tonight? She asks. I whine... no, I ate dinner too late and now I'm too full to go, I don't want to work out on a full stomach. And then I proceed to have a regretfully unproductive evening. And I get cranky. And I've got nobody to blame but myself! And if I would just REMEMBER in the moment that I actually FEEL so much better when I go to karate, or to the gym, or get on my spin bike, regularly... but I don't. My forgetter tries to trick me all the time! LOL! Anyway, I hope you do get to the Dharma center. Let me know what you think!
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Post by Dana on Sept 3, 2015 17:53:53 GMT -5
Dot, regarding: "How'd you get to be a junior member?"
Haha! Brett and I were trying to figure that out too. He found something via google that links membership status to number of posts. We thought maybe 50, but the information he found says 200 to be a Junior. So then I thought well maybe when you start a thread you get bonus points or something.
We all have a lot to learn here! I just hope enough of us have the patience and drive to keep at it. A support forum like this is important. I don't want to see it disappear.
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Post by doodoodotdot1 on Sept 3, 2015 17:54:22 GMT -5
Hey doodoodotdot1 (yes, we figured out how to 'tag' a member), um... Ancient Aliens, really? Is that actually a show? LOL!! I don't mean to laugh, it's just that we come up with some interesting ways of talking ourselves out of things, huh. I've been "too busy" to go to the dojo the last month or two and I've been meaning to get back there! I can go all day long with that intention set. I'm going to karate tonight. Period. I plan my day around it and my evening. I'm going. No excuses. Good grief everyone knows I'm going! My wife comes home after me, she sees me in my comfy cozies - what, no karate tonight? She asks. I whine... no, I ate dinner too late and now I'm too full to go, I don't want to work out on a full stomach. And then I proceed to have a regretfully unproductive evening. And I get cranky. And I've got nobody to blame but myself! And if I would just REMEMBER in the moment that I actually FEEL so much better when I go to karate, or to the gym, or get on my spin bike, regularly... but I don't. My forgetter tries to trick me all the time! LOL! Anyway, I hope you do get to the Dharma center. Let me know what you think! Hi Dana Yes there is a show called Ancient Aliens and shamefully I'll watch cause there is nothing else on the other 800 channels I have. But I was mostly kidding. The show is soooo stupid but I've always liked the sci fi/conspiracy theory stuff. Embarrassing. Get to that karate class! I'd be cerifiably insane (rather than just garden variety nuts) if I didn't exercise daily. My yoga keeps me somewhat grounded. I love it. I'll let you know how the dharma thingy goes.
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Post by JoeY on Sept 7, 2015 7:30:46 GMT -5
Hi everyone, I finally figured out how to register to this new forum. Sorry to thread drift here but not knowing how to start a new thread yet, I thought I'd risk it. It's very simple. How will we know if we get a message reply ? Will it be like before where I would to to my Outlook mail page and there would be an indication there telling me so ? Hope this finds all well and happy. Beth is this how to reply to a message?
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Post by Dana on Sept 7, 2015 7:53:55 GMT -5
Hi everyone, I finally figured out how to register to this new forum. Sorry to thread drift here but not knowing how to start a new thread yet, I thought I'd risk it. It's very simple. How will we know if we get a message reply ? Will it be like before where I would to to my Outlook mail page and there would be an indication there telling me so ? Hope this finds all well and happy. Beth is this how to reply to a message? Hi JoeY!! That's one way to do it. You can also just reply in general to the thread without doing the "Quote" thingy. It's really good to see you!! :-)
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Post by Dana on Sept 7, 2015 7:59:36 GMT -5
There's a quick reply box at the bottom of the thread, or there's a Reply button at the top right of the thread. Although... if you're on a mobile device it might look different. I haven't participated yet from my mobile, that I recall anyway, so I don't know what it looks like. You can also tag people in your message by typing the @ symbol, immediately followed by their login name, which may be different than the screen name. To find the login name you can hover over the screen name. Anyway it looks like this: JoeY and you should get a notification that you've been tagged in a post. You see the menu at the top of the screen: Home Participated Messages Members Profile Search Help.. well, there will be a little number next to Profile, and when you open that there's a Notifications button. So even if you didn't sign up for the email notifications, you'll still get that. Anyway, that's all I know so far.
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Post by blueskye on Sept 11, 2015 10:22:05 GMT -5
Hi Forumly Well this is our new home. MarkLA had said this forum is better than the old one but I'm still confused. Hopefully I'm doing this right. Everyone is saying there goodbye's at the old site so I though it time to start a thread. I'm just winging it here so I'll post what is currently on my mind. Making good choices. As an addict the obvious good choice is not to ingest my drug of choice...which for me is alcohol. Duh, no kidding right? But, for me at least, living a happy and serene life means making good choices in ALL areas. I am amazed that I continue, daily, to do 'things' that are so unhealthy for me. They can be obvious things and subtle things. Alcohol being a good example of the obvious (I'm not doing that currently however ). Its the subtle things that trip me up, keep me sick and eventually lead me back to alcohol. My coping mechanism for the consequences of daily, insidious bad choices. Those bad choices for me, the subtle ones, are grounded in my thinking, my actions and my reactions. Without really realizing it, I allow 'things' and people, that I have zero control over, to completely overtake my psyche. For example, the stock market. I literally just put more money in last week...and BAM. Crash. I was already feeling down yesterday, but the pending economic downturn made me feel like all was lost. I had to really take control of my thoughts, realize that I'm in the market for the long term and that more than likely things will come back. If they don't I guess the global economy will have some pretty big fish to fry. But at the end of it, I have no control. My teenage daughters room. This is a constant point of contention. I know I will never win. She's a slob. But I allow it to upset me. Not only that, I take it personally. She doesn't love me, she doesn't respect me. What? She's a slob. Period. I was googling BS last night...bored, killng time. Something about meeting people without online dating (no I'm not going to date right now.....just bored) and it was talking about how, in my area, all the 'good' women are taken, and those that aren't? Well there's a reason. I allowed this to affect me personally...I'm not taken so I must be damaged goods. That one actually got me more than the stock market I allow my mood to be affected by things I have no control over....all the time. Some of this is normal, for sure, but I take it to a different level. So today I'm making a conscious choice to stay positive. To believe in me. And to practice self love and compassion. I am wondering if anyone can share how they currently allow things outside of their control to negatively influence their sense of self. Or, in what ways has sobriety changed how you react, thus how you perceive yourself? Dot, What you describe is called 'catastrophizing'. When we deal with challenging situations it easy to get caught in the loop of negative self-talk. But we can learn to challenge our own thinking. Here is a link: psychcentral.com/lib/challenging-negative-self-talk/I know this seems simple, and elementary, but so many of us aren't taught how to challenge our own thoughts. If we're not taught, then it's easy for us to create a habit. We dig the groove deeper every time we talk negatively to ourselves without challenge. It's never too late for us to learn how to challenge our own thoughts and beliefs so that we can live life more fully.
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Post by blueskye on Sept 11, 2015 10:23:52 GMT -5
Forgot to add. I'm guilty of this myself. Dh and I rarely argue, but when we do, it's easy for me to think it's the end of the world, we're going to get divorced, I hate him, etc. etc. . I catch myself doing it, which is the first step to changing it.
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Post by bethanne711 on Sept 16, 2015 13:10:18 GMT -5
Hi everyone, I finally figured out how to register to this new forum. Sorry to thread drift here but not knowing how to start a new thread yet, I thought I'd risk it. It's very simple. How will we know if we get a message reply ? Will it be like before where I would to to my Outlook mail page and there would be an indication there telling me so ? Hope this finds all well and happy. Beth is this how to reply to a message? Looks like you've got it right !!! Sure hope you stick around ! Beth
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Post by jeyu0422 on Sept 16, 2015 18:11:19 GMT -5
Blue,
I just saw you post above and the link. Thanks for the recourse.
Mark/Jeyu
"Whatever It Takes"
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