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Post by blueskye on Sept 18, 2015 17:17:33 GMT -5
I find it curious when I hear about the reactions of friends and family, when a loved one quits drinking/drugging and begins the recovery journey.
I know my friends and family love me and have my best interest at heart, but it's amazing how they can enable and sabotage. Back in 2005 when I first attended AA meetings, my dh (darling husband) would often phone and ask me to pick up beer on the way home. I don't think he was deliberately throwing a spanner into the works of my sobriety. I think it was sub-conscious. An effort to hang onto his drinking buddy because he didn't want the dynamic to change.
There have been plenty of times when I've opened up to family to speak of my difficulties with alcoholism and my quest for sobriety, to be met with disbelief. It's like they don't want to see my alcoholism because it makes them look at their own drinking habits. Who knows? Who knows what they're thinking or what their motivation is.
Maybe you can share your own stories here in this thread ................
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Post by Deleted on Sept 18, 2015 19:07:19 GMT -5
I find it curious when I hear about the reactions of friends and family, when a loved one quits drinking/drugging and begins the recovery journey. < ... > There have been plenty of times when I've opened up to family to speak of my difficulties with alcoholism and my quest for sobriety, to be met with disbelief. It's like they don't want to see my alcoholism because it makes them look at their own drinking habits. Who knows? Who knows what they're thinking or what their motivation is. Maybe you can share your own stories here in this thread ................ Hi Blue. My thought on your alcoholism story being met with disbelief is simply that you don't even come close to resembling how people typically perceive alcoholics. Granted, those perceptions are often egregiously flawed, but they're reality to those who have them. Just look at you: you're tall, lovely, and healthy looking.You're poised and confident. You're happily married and a wonderful, devoted mother. And FFS, you're a yoga master! Seems logical to me that people would be shocked to hear about your past problems with alcohol. As for your confession making others conscious of their own drinking habits, there could be some truth to that. When I first quit drinking and mentioned it to a few friends, they immediately said things like, "I really don't drink that much," and "Well, I do like my wine, I'm not gonna deny that, I do like my wine." I was feeling crabby enough back then to snap, "This is NOT about you!" but I just forced myself to smile. Good topic! |
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Post by Dana on Sept 21, 2015 17:21:35 GMT -5
My wife (before she was my wife) was aware I drank 'too much'. There were a few times she would dare to say things like "you're having another one?" or "isn't that your third already?" but not very often. We learned early on in our relationship to sort of stay out of each other's habits/addictions, tobacco being another prime example. We didn't pressure each other to quit the thing that was so harmful to our bodies, we kind of knew it ourselves and didn't need someone else to nag I guess. So she kind of knew I was drinking to excess already. But I know she doesn't know the full extent of it, and I know she was mostly unaware of the exhausting double life I felt I had been leading. She still contends that I 'wasn't really all that bad' and she's glad I stopped when I did. She just doesn't 'get' how bad it was for me, and that's okay. I don't need her to agree or understand just how dark and hopeless and self-destructive I had become. I save the brow-raising stories/fears/challenges for people 'like me' who 'get it'. If she or some of my other family knew half the stuff that's gone on inside my head, they'd probably have me committed! But the thing is, I'm not afraid to talk about it with my AA friends, and I'm not (usually) ashamed of my past anymore either - but I get to choose who I share it with, and I only share it when there's a good reason for sharing it.
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Post by blueskye on Sept 27, 2015 9:31:32 GMT -5
Thanks for the compliments, PJ. You too, are not what people would expect. Beautiful, poised and a writer whose books I've seen on the shelves in the local library!
When I go to the rally in DC in October, I'll be sharing the day with thousands of people whose lives have been affected by addiction. Whenever I'm in such a group, or any group of people for that matter, I take a moment to glance around and see how we're all connected. How we are share heartache, suffering, addiction, grief, pain, happiness, joy, love - all of it!
Enjoy your Sunday!
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Post by blueskye on Sept 27, 2015 9:34:24 GMT -5
My wife (before she was my wife) was aware I drank 'too much'. There were a few times she would dare to say things like "you're having another one?" or "isn't that your third already?" but not very often. We learned early on in our relationship to sort of stay out of each other's habits/addictions, tobacco being another prime example. We didn't pressure each other to quit the thing that was so harmful to our bodies, we kind of knew it ourselves and didn't need someone else to nag I guess. So she kind of knew I was drinking to excess already. But I know she doesn't know the full extent of it, and I know she was mostly unaware of the exhausting double life I felt I had been leading. She still contends that I 'wasn't really all that bad' and she's glad I stopped when I did. She just doesn't 'get' how bad it was for me, and that's okay. I don't need her to agree or understand just how dark and hopeless and self-destructive I had become. I save the brow-raising stories/fears/challenges for people 'like me' who 'get it'. If she or some of my other family knew half the stuff that's gone on inside my head, they'd probably have me committed! But the thing is, I'm not afraid to talk about it with my AA friends, and I'm not (usually) ashamed of my past anymore either - but I get to choose who I share it with, and I only share it when there's a good reason for sharing it. I know what you mean about 'double life'. It IS exhausting. If only I put the same effort into recovery as I did into drinking, I would have had long-term sobriety 10 years ago! But, that's in the past and I can only ensure my sobriety for the future. It's tough when we see loved ones risking their health with drinking and smoking. My dh smokes. I never mention it because nagging doesn't work. I like what Nikki Myers says (she's the founder of Y12SR). She says 'what does 'I know' have to do with it?' We KNOW drinking excessively is bad for us. We KNOW that addiction can kill us. We KNOW we shouldn't drink another bottle of wine. But all the knowledge of that doesn't stop us. Because we are addicted. Enjoy the rest of your weekend! |
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Post by Sam on Sept 28, 2015 14:14:31 GMT -5
I put in a lot of efforts hiding my drinking when I was active, I was very good at fooling everyone including at times my wife, but she knew the extent of my alcoholism, to that extent it didn't matter. Others also noticed for sure but not how sick I was. Today, I don't discuss my alcoholism with most people, I don't say I am in recovery or anything like that, I don't feel I have to nor do I feel it accomplishes anything. I just say I don't drink, or I gave up drinking.
The only time I talk openly about my addiction is when I am talking to a fellow alcoholic recovering or not, I don't hold back, I do it because I want to help, I understand what's it like to be an alcoholic, I've gone through a lot, my experience can be beneficial, and talking about it helps me as well.
Sam
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Post by jeyu0422 on Sept 29, 2015 0:07:26 GMT -5
Like Sam, I don't usually discuss my recovery or not drinking, especially around my wife, mother, and the in-laws. They all drink heavily and I don't want to come across as a sanctimonious ass (it's the sanctimonious part that I have the biggest problem with, <grin>). I really don't have a problem with people drinking in my presence, but because I know all the tricks of how to drink significantly more than others without being obvious, I tend to notice that behavior in others. I have discussed my alcohol abuse and recovery with my kids individually because I want them to be the recipient of what I've learned, but I try to do so in a non-judgmental way. It is easier for me to discuss alcohol's potential for abuse with someone who is not (yet?) abusing it than with someone who is. When I was drinking, any suggestion of what I already well aware of, that I was abusing alcohol, was met with complete denial, so I expect the same from others in the same situation. Breaking an addiction is, in my opinion, a personal decision. One has to really want the freedom from addiction enough to do anything to make it happen. Short of that commitment, I don't understand how long term recovery can ever successful, or ever be the result of any forced intervention or even suggestions of alcohol abuse. I'm not the one who changed and became an alcoholic in an otherwise "normal" family. I'm the one who changed and elected then fought for sobriety. Perhaps others of my family will somehow see the freedom that I have experienced and want the same thing for themselves.
Oh, and Sam, remember the name "Handsome Sam". This little guy is by a California stallion anyway, so I think the name is perfect. Who knows, you may see him out your way some day.
Mark/Jeyu
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Post by blueskye on Oct 2, 2015 9:46:19 GMT -5
Sadly, DC trip for the rally is cancelled. The rally is still going on, but the weather is preventing me from attending. Sob. Sob. Oh well, things we can't control eh?
Sam, I'm the same, I don't identify as an alcoholic, I just say I don't drink. Unless I'm talking to someone about addiction and alcoholism and it's useful. Then I like to 'put a face to alcoholism' so to speak, to share with others and help those still suffering. So, it all depends on the situation I'm in.
I don't even like saying my name followed by 'alcoholic' at meetings. It's like it puts me in a box that I can't climb out of. I want to be free of it. Sometimes I say my name and 'I'm recovering'. I know it's semantics, but words have powerful connotations to me sometimes. Identifying as 'and I'm an alcoholic' has kept me chained. I firmly believe that alcoholics can recover. I'm not there yet, but beating myself over the head with 'and I'm an alcoholic' isn't exactly uplifting and forward thinking.
I'm Blue. But I'm not blue.
Handsome Sam - a great name!
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Post by Sam on Oct 2, 2015 15:19:29 GMT -5
Yeah Mark, Handsome Sam, I like the name  |
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Post by JoeY on Oct 6, 2015 4:46:04 GMT -5
I put in a lot of efforts hiding my drinking when I was active, I was very good at fooling everyone including at times my wife, but she knew the extent of my alcoholism, to that extent it didn't matter. Others also noticed for sure but not how sick I was. Today, I don't discuss my alcoholism with most people, I don't say I am in recovery or anything like that, I don't feel I have to nor do I feel it accomplishes anything. I just say I don't drink, or I gave up drinking. The only time I talk openly about my addiction is when I am talking to a fellow alcoholic recovering or not, I don't hold back, I do it because I want to help, I understand what's it like to be an alcoholic, I've gone through a lot, my experience can be beneficial, and talking about it helps me as well. Sam hi sam nice to see you again you sound well. |
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Post by JoeY on Oct 6, 2015 4:47:15 GMT -5
testing the quick reply thing out just to see how it works..that is all.
ok for those that no me i made the rare typo and was able to find how to edit my post.
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Post by Sam on Oct 6, 2015 12:23:22 GMT -5
Hey Joey, nice to see a post from you, it's been a while, hope life is treating you well. Stick around I look forward to reading more of your posts.
Sam
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Post by JoeY on Oct 7, 2015 3:34:10 GMT -5
Hi Sam,
life is good although still hectic as hell. me and maria (caht) are still very much in love and celebrated out first wedding anniversary in july. maria just got her permanent residency last week for the states so now we can live there without fear of having to go back and forth to london anymore.
need to stress that none of this would have came about if i didn't quit drinking some 10 years ago.
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Post by gerri15 on Oct 14, 2015 13:47:53 GMT -5
(Sorry to divert the subject of family reaction.) What's up with this new site? I recognize a few old names, but what happened to the old site. One minute I thought I recvd an email that "poof" the site was gone and "poof" this new place exists. Is it internet politics? I saw your name Joey, so I know the old people are still around. Anyway, keep on fighting the good fight.
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Post by JoeY on Oct 14, 2015 14:16:32 GMT -5
(Sorry to divert the subject of family reaction.) What's up with this new site? I recognize a few old names, but what happened to the old site. One minute I thought I recvd an email that "poof" the site was gone and "poof" this new place exists. Is it internet politics? I saw your name Joey, so I know the old people are still around. Anyway, keep on fighting the good fight. Hi gerri long time no see. how you been still in the medical field? all is well in JoeY now JoeY and caht land. i'm able to navigate this forum unlike the old one when they changed the whole format of it. |
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