Post by mrbrown on Oct 2, 2019 5:53:26 GMT -5
I have once again shattered my families trust as well as let MANY people down of all ages including myself and am ashamed to even argue that I could be/am a good role model. I need constant help and/or a sponsor/mentor sooner than possible I beg of thee!ยก I hate putting myself in situations in which I won't just say no, or better yet, just walk away. I don't want to hurt those who I have grown fond of because they dabble in things and fear mockeries of what would more than likely follow if I were to tell them how bad it is for all of us. I know and think and feel rage and disgust towards these things whether I am taking part within a WAY too familiar cold grasp or sober yet I have yet to bring myself to decline an offer unless I am in a public setting, in which, I end up bumbling through afterwards not realizing that I would have to leave at some point yet find it difficult to find ANY ONE in this town who is sober and for those rare moments when I do, I feel that my timeline is too frayed to partake in any conversations cause I feel fake even though what I stand for is genuine. I have no integrity behind who I AM as a kind articulate intellectual who would like to play a part in changing the world represnting hope and justice yet can't walk a quarter mile without running into the same problem(s) I went out to avoid and feel oh so hypocritical! The logic behind the end result of my actions make absolutely no sense to me even beyond dopamine and serotonin and such other scientific proofs. I DON'T WANT TO CONTINUE IN THESE SURGING WAVES OF UNCERTAINTY, ANGUISH, AND UNWELCOME RUSHES OF EMOTIONS THAT I HAVE BEEN BOBBING IN AND OUT OF FOR EASILY HALF OF MY LIFE NOW SWITCHING BETWEEN VARIOUS SUBSTANCES IN WHICH I REFUSE TO DO UNTIL I DO AND I DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT UNTIL I REALIZE I DID. I need someone who will motivate me with upfront honesty to get me to realize that it isn't "just a hit" It'd be the first step towards ruining my life and anything good that could be that day won't come to fruishin and everything will be tarnished until I leave and verify that I said to them that I won't allow myself to go back yet if they'd like to talk they can message me on facebook so that I can build honor dignity trust and an outlet which will help invoke a solidified clause to STAY out of situations in which I blindly follow into. I wish it was easier to tell myself these things and could see what people have planned before I am already inching towards the withdrawls they are never around for. I will hopefully win yet another one of deaths tournaments that test me almost everyday if not daily as a trophy of trust in which even the shadow its resting on will take pride in. My biggest fault in my sobriety is going out to hangout with people who I care for who are kindred spirits surrounded by the darkness that ends up shrouding any initial mutual innocence of giddiness depletes quickly from the phone call we were each relieved to answer.
Random phone calls back and forth between my future ally as we go about our days would be really freegin cool and immensly inspirational. Help me motivate. Please.
Random phone calls back and forth between my future ally as we go about our days would be really freegin cool and immensly inspirational. Help me motivate. Please.
