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Post by blueskye on Sept 13, 2015 9:21:33 GMT -5
Jenn,
I used to compare myself to others when I first came to AA. In large part because I wasn't sure if I was an alcoholic and wanted to measure my own experience against the experience of others. I was so confused. On the one hand, I knew I was an alcoholic but on the other, I wanted validation. That was 'denial' at work.
What I understand now is that it's not what happens to us, but rather how we feel inside. Drinking brought me to a place of complete and utter despair. Even though my life looked pretty good on the outside, on the inside I was dying. That's the common denominator for all of us, I believe. The disease is an inside job and recovery is an inside job too.
Good to see you, Jenn!
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Post by Dana on Aug 2, 2018 15:24:26 GMT -5
I had forgotten I copied this old 'Looking for a sponsor' thread from the old forum. Interesting reads! And very timely for where I'm at right now. I remember it all so well. One thing I didn't mention here is that my sponsor was in my wedding in 2014. I give her a lot of credit for the marriage happening in the first place. I went through such a dark period, I had one foot out the door of my relationship, ready to walk out and start a brand new beginning somewhere far far away. But with my sponsor's loving and patient guidance I stayed focused on the task at hand, getting sober. Turns out, there was nothing wrong with my relationship. I know that's not the case for everyone but that was my experience and I'm so glad I stayed! I couldn't be happier. I've had the same sponsor since the beginning, until now that is. We haven't spent much time together the last couple years. I don't see her in meetings anymore. We've talked about doing some step work together but it never happens, for one reason or another. We are still friends, and I know I can call her about anything, but I need to look for a different sponsor. I'm hoping to find someone who does both AA and Al-Anon, someone who has worked through the steps in both programs. This also means that I need to up my meetings and get to know different people. In the meantime, I stay in touch with several women I've gotten to know in AA and Al-Anon over the years so I don't feel alone. But I gotta tell ya... it is weird looking for a new sponsor now. I know it (it = changing sponsors) happens all the time, but this is my first. Wait, that's not entirely true... I did get a sponsor in Al-Anon a couple years ago but it didn't last long. As I recall, I was in crisis mode and when the immediate crisis was resolved/over and I felt better, that was the end of that. And I still had my AA sponsor.
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Post by soberinmi on Aug 2, 2018 17:13:47 GMT -5
Turns out, there was nothing wrong with my relationship. I know that's not the case for everyone but that was my experience and I'm so glad I stayed! I couldn't be happier.
You were an unhealthy person in a romantic relationship and there was nothing wrong with the relationship? Sounds too good to be true! The fact that you were on the way out the door suggests otherwise.
You may have recovered from the effects of alcoholism (completing the 12 steps) and the relationship may evolved and grown and become healthy. But, an unhealthy person cannot engage in a healthy relationship. Usually when a healthy person gets involved with an unhealthy one, either the relationship doesn't last or the unhealthy person drags down the healthy one.
It is suggested that a newcomer not get into or out of a relationship, or make any major decisions in the first year. Sometimes these things are thrust upon us and that's where a good sponsor comes in. Your sponsor may have recommended you follow this suggestion and try to make it work. Bravo Zulu or well done sponsor!
I am glad you are happy. Truly! The question begs to be answered whether the relationship is happy and healthy now. I can't answer that nor should you feel compelled to tell me. If it is, it is by God's grace.
Please understand that I am not trying to cut you down, but trying to share what I have learned in the program. If you feel that I have been out of line, then I have. My apologies!
God bless you and your significant other!
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Post by Dana on Aug 2, 2018 17:35:11 GMT -5
Hello soberinmi, I don't think we've met! Thank you for your comments, I get your point. I suppose I could have elaborated about the relationship in my post. Something like... There was nothing so wrong or so broken or so messed up about my relationship that it couldn't be fixed, would have been a more accurate way to describe it. But since the point of my post was about looking for a new sponsor, I did brush over the relationship part. I tend to just ramble sometimes, and maybe gloss over a thought while I'm on my way to something entirely different. Anyway, it's nice to meet you. Pretty quiet in these here parts lately it seems.
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Post by soberinmi on Aug 2, 2018 21:01:12 GMT -5
Sometimes when I read AA literature something I have read many times jumps out at me. The first part of your post did that, although I had only read it once. Perhaps it’s because I was in a number of unhealthy relationships even in sobriety or because I had to cut a “friend” loose tonight because I was feeling used (for a second time, I shouldn’t have unblocked her phone number or called her - my bad!). Because of the kids, I can’t completely severe my sometimes unhealthy relationship with my ex who is not a “friend.”
So, I took the opportunity to share my “experience, strength and hope” in this area trying to tread lightly so as not to offend you. I may have responded to you, but I am hoping it reaches others too.
I found my way here responding to an article by Buddy T on another website directing responses be posted here. He seems to ignore the Traditions and sympathize with nonalcoholic drug addicts in AA; AA includes all alcoholics (long form of the Third Tradition). I must note that the long form is more instructive than the condensed short form. For example, the Third Tradition says “(t)he only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking” while the long form clearly indicates it is for alcoholics only. Alcoholic is in the name, so did Bill W. actually have to specify that AA is for alcoholics only reflecting the long form of the Fifth Tradition’s “singleness of purpose?” Should we ignore AA's singleness of purpose because it isn't mentioned in the short form?
I should note that what makes AA work is that an alcoholic can best identify with another (e.g. the 1935 Smith and Wilson meeting in Akron, OH). Because the culture and nature of illicit narcotics is so vastly different than alcohol, I can't identify with the drug culture and I imagine many others can't, including the all important newcomer. I have walked out of AA meetings that got too deeply into drugs making them NA meetings in substance. NA's Bulletin #13 makes for good reading: na.org/?ID=bulletins-bull13-r.
I will step off my soapbox now.
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