Nyquil Relapse

[gwampa69]

I'm ready to talk about this. For a while I wasn't sure what was happening. For a while I thought it meant nothing. For a while I was sliding down a slippery slope and for a while I thought it wasn't the same as drinking. I was wrong.

I had been having some trouble sleeping. It was stress based due to several factors. I won't get into all the particulars right now. Suffice it to say it was mostly just life stuff with a couple other "me specific" topics. If you are familiar with "non-habit forming" over the counter medicines for sleep, you will know what I'm talking about. One is basically liquid Benadryl that is sold in a bottle that looks exactly like liquid cold medicine. Same size, same color, same packaging. I am familiar with using benadryl type products for allergy symptoms including itching which I have a lot of due to a skin condition. One side effect of Benadryl type products is drowsiness. For me that was a nice side effect because while it calmed the itch, it also allowed me to sleep. If that sounds a bit risky for an alcoholic to be using a "non-habit forming" substance regularly, you would be correct. "Non-habit forming" is a marketing ploy. Especially for addicts. Did I ignore the warning signs. Yep.

So here I am cruising along with my secret weapon sleep aid. On a shopping trip to the grocery store, I grabbed my usual bottle of (let's call it "Easy Sleep") itch/help me sleep medicine. As I was moving down the aisle, I saw the cold medicines (I also had a head cold at this particular time) and picked up a bottle of Nyquil nighttime cold relief. This is where the slick marketing part comes in. Its also the part where my old friend the Dark Passenger (DP) (trademark to the Dexter show) woke up and started climbing into the front seat.

I'm looking at the bottle (let's call it Easy Sleep 2.0) and I began rationalizing the purchase. This product would take care of the cold symptoms, help me sleep, and in helping me sleep, the itching wouldn't matter because I would be asleep. I was acutely aware of the 10% alcohol note on the label. Either my ego or the DP (same thing?) convinced me I could handle it. I would use it sparingly and only until the cold was gone. Then switch back to the Easy Sleep. Yeah right.

So a couple months later, my kitchen drawer was getting more and more full of those little plastic cups that come with Easy Sleep 2.0. I began to avoid looking at them. That was a familiar feeling. Kinda like how the pile of whiskey bottles in my office closet used to make me feel. The only consolation to my reeling mind was that I still hadn't "drank alcohol". I was only using medicine that contained alcohol so that's not really the same thing, right? Of course not. Its the exact same process. The same process being I was abusing alcohol only in a slightly different format. Easy Sleep 2.0 was getting it's hooks into me. I knew all along what was happening but I avoided looking at the situation from the correct perspective. My life wasn't spiraling out of control due to the abuse. Then it occurred to me that eventually it most certainly would. So I said enough of this.

I began avoiding the medicine aisle like I used to avoid the beer and wine aisle during early abstinence. I went back to my learned coping skills with regard to stress. Walk away for a bit if I can. Breathe. Compartmentalize my problems so that I can prioritize them and deal with each one individually rather than all at once. I shouldn't need sleep aids if I am managing my life and stress.

Alcoholism and addiction are sneaky. Don't ever forget that. I did and it almost cost me.      

   

[Mark_LA]

Well done on averting a potential catastrophic relapse, Brett. Sounds like you recognized the signs and took corrective action before it was too late. Sneaky! That's the word, all right. That alcoholic "lizard brain" will take any avenue it can find to exert influence over rational thought.

I might take issue with one statement, though. You say "I shouldn't need sleep aids if I am managing my life and stress," and I believe this isn't necessarily absolutely true. Insomnia is probably responsible for more relapses than any other single cause, and it's important to remember that after years of alcohol abuse, our brains are no longer the same ones we had going in. Remember the pickle/cucumber analogy -- your brain doesn't revert to a state of purity or innocence (not quite the right word, but I hope the meaning is clear) no matter how long you've been sober. One of the ways this can manifest is in permanently disrupted sleep patterns. With all the best stress management in the world, sleep problems may persist simply because your brain's "sleep wiring" has been altered beyond repair.

I'm sure certain former members of this forum would be horrified to learn that I use Ambien fairly frequently. One of the legacies of my drinking days is a brain which is often incapable of normal sleep without outside assistance. I know hard-core folks would say I'm not truly "sober," but I know my intentions and my limitations, and I strive to live by the principle of "To Thine Own Self Be True." The bottom line for me is that I'd much rather run whatever theoretical risks are associated with long-term Ambien use than put myself to the real risk of alcoholic relapse because I'm so desperately worn down from being a sleep-deprived zombie that I'm vulnerable to the "lizard brain's" sweet nothings, trying to tell me that "just one" would help me get to sleep.

Have you seen a doctor about either the itching or the sleep issues?

[slimkim]

Hey Brett,
You have mail

[gwampa69]

Hi Mark,

Always great to hear from you. Its hard for me to figure out what caused my sleep troubles. Although I would venture a guess that it's a combination of factors including stress, NEVER being comfortable due to the psoriasis which also includes as an added bonus feature, a rather painful arthritic component), a growing prostate (sorry I know TMI) that gets me up several times a night, and most probably the lingering effect from years (decades to be accurate) of abusing booze. I haven't discussed the sleep issue with my doc other than regarding the prostate part. I will next time I head in there for a checkup.

To be clear though, when I made my comment about managing stress and life, I was referring only to myself. I wouldn't begrudge or question someone's sobriety with regard to whether that person uses something to help them out. My sleep problem is interrupted sleep. I've never suffered insomnia which sounds like hell from what I have heard. I'm sorry you have this trouble. If Ambien helps and doesn't lead to addictive use (which I guess to me means life damaging use) then I say whatever works, works. You are one of the most sober sounding dudes I have had the pleasure to "meet" and learn from.

Ambien use as directed doesn't enter into the formula of which I am referring.I ignored my inner voice (you know, the one that speaketh the truth and should be the one that we always should defer to) and began using a medicine that I knew very clearly contained alcohol because truth be told, I wanted the alcohol part. I made that choice. Luckily for my dumb a$$, I also made the choice to stop before I took the next step.

[gwampa69]

May 1, 2016 3:28:25 GMT -5 slimkim said:

Hey Brett,
You have mail

Thanks Kim

[slimkim]

Hey Brett,
Just wanted you to know that I'm proud of you for making the decision to stop EasySleep 2.0. That took courage plus courage to write about your experience. Although I sleep okay, I still need to learn how to handle stress better myself.

[gwampa69]

Thanks Kim. I appreciate that support. I figure maybe it's not that uncommon of a topic and if it helps someone battling addiction then that's the point of this place right?

You have said before that you consider people that have made it a couple years are out of danger or in the safe zone, something like that. While I feel quite secure in my sobriety most of the time, I think this illustrates a stark reality. Addicts may never be completely out of the woods. That's not to say the pursuit of sobriety is a lost cause. Actually quite the opposite. It is absolutely worth the struggle. And vigilance is very important, especially the further down the road we get.

[quitat54]

Hi Brett

I am so glad that you had an awareness of what was happening and averted possible disaster. I absolutely agree with you in the belief that as alcoholics we are never out of the woods. Even though it is easier and less of a struggle to stay sober one must always be vigilant. I am approaching 9 months and have long way to go before feeling comfortable. However I will always have to remember that there is no such thing as one drink (normal drinking) for alcoholic. And I am acutely aware any lapse of attention can destroy all the hard work.

J