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For Kim
Sept 2, 2015 9:41:57 GMT -5
Post by gwampa69 on Sept 2, 2015 9:41:57 GMT -5
Hey Kim Great job on handling the cravings you were having. That was exactly what I did as well. When I had cravings I read the Forum. Its a great way to deal with a difficult situation. I'm with Dana on the not beating yourself up for things you did or did not do. That stuff is in the past. Only thing you can do now is deal with today. We all have things we wish we could change or do differently. Of course the past cant be undone but we can learn from it but try not to dwell. And do things differently today. The past stuff will sort itself out as time goes by as long as you are taking care of the only thing that matters. That thing is today.
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For Kim
Sept 2, 2015 12:25:54 GMT -5
Post by jeyu0422 on Sept 2, 2015 12:25:54 GMT -5
Kim, As your counsellor said, the majority are not sober. This is a very difficult thing to do. If it were easy, everyone would be sober; I don't know of anyone who would CHOOSE to be an alcoholic. Just because you were not successful a year ago doesn't mean that you can't make it this time. I know we do this for ourselves, but I needed more than that. I had to focus on the relationship with my kids as something that was more powerful than alcohol in my life. Perhaps you could focus on a future relationship with your daughter in those moments of weakness. I saw in your post that you just talked to her for the first time in years; perhaps coincidence, perhaps not. Who knows. Kim, for fifteen or so years, I was one of those 70% that could not become sober. I was finally able to make this work about 16 months ago, and I KNOW that what you seek is worth the struggle. I wish you well, Kim. Mark/Jeyu
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For Kim
Sept 2, 2015 20:09:30 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2015 20:09:30 GMT -5
Hey Brett, Thanks so much for sharing that dog story. It was awesome. How are you going? How is Tutu? You are right about concentrating on today. The past is gone, nothing I can do about it. So glad I didn't give in to the craving last night.
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For Kim
Sept 2, 2015 20:43:29 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2015 20:43:29 GMT -5
Thanks Dana for your post. I'll stop beating myself up as of now. Thanks for the info about the new format. It seems like you are one of the few keeping the new forum going. I'm planning on reading Dana's Journey before it disappears.
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For Kim
Sept 2, 2015 20:45:48 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2015 20:45:48 GMT -5
Thanks Jeyu for pointing out how difficult this is. I need to remember that it will take all of my will and tenacity to beat this. Talking to my daughter was a big incentive. I want to be here if she comes back later in life.
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For Kim
Sept 3, 2015 2:46:20 GMT -5
Post by quitat54 on Sept 3, 2015 2:46:20 GMT -5
Hi Kim
I know that I want to be sober. This is my driving force, my motivation. When I slipped 3 weeks ago it was almost like a confirmation for me. I just don't want to drink anymore. Drink has nothing to offer but misery and slow death. I hope that in those difficult times you remember your motivation, and the fact that drinking will not make you feel better in anyway. It just does not. It is tough in early days, but I strongly believe it is worth the struggle. All the old timers are a living testament that it is worth it and that it does get better. I believe them and want to get to the point where they are. Whatever it takes. Sometime it is just day at a time.
J
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For Kim
Sept 3, 2015 7:25:10 GMT -5
Post by doodoodotdot1 on Sept 3, 2015 7:25:10 GMT -5
Hey Brett, That was really nice of you to start a place for me. I woke up thinking what to do when the forum closes. Would there still be anyone to talk to? I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off me. Elated actually. I guess I didn't expect him to take it the breakup so well. Now I can concentrate on being sober. I'm not even having cravings which is great. Normally I wake up and my first thought is just wanting to obliterate myself for the day to cope with the stress. Now I can get on with my life, do whatever I like, not be conforming to anyone's schedule, take a nap if I need it, eat what I like, dress how I like the list is endless... I thought I'd be sad today but instead I feel happier than I have for months. I have no doubts about making the right decision. I find it hard to make decisions especially in relationships so I flounder around and prorastinate. Hopefully this means I can get sober for good now whatever it takes with no distractions. Here's to sobriety onwards and upwards as you would say. Hi Kim I think I have 'new forum' performance anxiety because I've been kind of uncomfortable posting....which makes no sense. Its like sleeping in a new bed or something...same house, same people, but its all new. Pretty silly In your other thread I talked about noticing those physical feelings...rather than trying to completely understand your thinking. This post is striking to me because you talk about how much better you feel now that your relationship is over. I understand completely. Your words also got me thinking about my own recent breakup and how I experienced this. My breakup happened a couple of months ago....or started. After kind of an initial shock to the system, I too felt better physically and mentally. I felt something like 'me' again. No one telling me what to do. Controlling me. Making me feel anxious, stressed, ashamed. This is going to be hard to articulate but here it goes. I 'understand' codependence (like I 'understand' addiction). I know I am, or can be, fiercely codependent. I get it. But last night, after reading your post, was the first time I think I TRULY know what's going on. Codependence can really be seen as addiction to a person. When I met sparticus I had been sober a while, but not long enough. I think it was about a year. Quickly, like real quickly, he became my new drug of choice. When I was with him I felt high. I craved him. This was not love, nor really lust, but truly craving. I remember one particular time early on when I literally thought, jeez, this is like alcohol. At first my tolerance was low. Didn't take much of my new drug to get this high. So I did whatever I had to to fill this craving. I knew early on that he was controlling me, but it was subtle. I thought I was in control. As my tolerance grew, I needed more and more to get the same high...or sense of feeling good about me...because that is what it was all about. Making me ok with me...because I'm essentially not. As the control over me grew, I lost my sense of myself. It became all about him, or my new drug. Whatever it took to get that fill and protect my new addiction. After about 1.5 yrs there was really only negative consequences. The high was diminishing, the sadness and shame were taking over, the sense of myself gone....and then anger. Why isn't my drug working anymore? Why does he only make me feel empty and alone? Why can't I assert myself in a positive way, take control, communicate my needs? The anger grew, the resentment grew and BAM. One of the things I even said to him in the heat of anger was 'I'm not your *ITCH!'. Wow. Just like I'm not alcohol's *itch. After the break up I was greatly relieved...but I was (am) pissed and resentful. After a couple of weeks, the cravings came back. Different this time, insidious. I think I even had a kind of detox, then pink cloud, then when I got lonely or sad the cravings came back. I gave into the cravings which started a bit of a merry go round for a while. A relapse if you will. Then I would get pissed, detox, pink cloud, relapse. What does that sound like? I think this could also be described as love addiction...but having read much about that as well, it still seems more like codependence....or a hybrid I guess. But I literally had to withdraw from him and ride the urge/craving to contact him. I hope something I'm saying makes sense. But for me it was an aha moment. I need to urge surf my craving for him in the same way I urge surf a craving for booze. I need to fill my own soul with a sense of me, a love for me. However long that takes. Otherwise I will simply switch to a new drug. If you relate at all, and have any cravings for your ex, ask yourself what you're really needing. Kind of like HALT when needing booze....but I don't have a ancronym. Are you lonely? What is it you're truly missing? So anyway, just be thoughtful as you ride this first few weeks. Like alcohol the need eases over time. When you're really confused, throw your phone out the window. No just kidding. Well, maybe not:) But really ask yourself what's going on. My addiction is powerful powerful. But my codependent needs are at the root. It all started with my Mom. That's a story for another day. I know I'm really on to something now. You're doing great.
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For Kim
Sept 3, 2015 8:11:13 GMT -5
Post by Dana on Sept 3, 2015 8:11:13 GMT -5
Hi there dot! I hope you're getting over the new forum performance anxiety now. :-) This is good stuff, a real revelation. It's that 'addictive personality' thing we were talking about in another thread - trying to fill that emptiness inside with someone or something outside ourselves. The big book points out that no human power could restore us to sanity, and I believe that now. It's an inside job for sure.
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For Kim
Sept 3, 2015 13:19:06 GMT -5
Post by jeyu0422 on Sept 3, 2015 13:19:06 GMT -5
Dot, You may have "new forum performance anxiety", but what an enlightening post! You have the ability to take a very difficult to comprehend subject, drop the reader right in the middle of the situation, then show him/her how to fight their way out. I learn something every time I read one of your posts. Thanks. Mark/Jeyu
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For Kim
Sept 3, 2015 16:49:54 GMT -5
Post by doodoodotdot1 on Sept 3, 2015 16:49:54 GMT -5
Hi there dot! I hope you're getting over the new forum performance anxiety now. :-) This is good stuff, a real revelation. It's that 'addictive personality' thing we were talking about in another thread - trying to fill that emptiness inside with someone or something outside ourselves. The big book points out that no human power could restore us to sanity, and I believe that now. It's an inside job for sure. Hi Dana Thank you. I think I'm getting over my anxiety....although I keep looking over my cyber-shoulder:) Yes its trying to fill that emptiness, or lack of self...same thing. I have been through some 'stuff' in my life, as many of us have. And us being humans, not just addicts. I have always puzzled over how some 'get through' things without self destructing. They are resilient. I am not. I think this coping ability comes from some person, be it a parent or family member, friend or mentor, that influenced that person in their youth. I think those that lacked any kind of nurturing from any source are less likely to be resilient and have a positive self image. And some of this can simply be personality of course. Its just interesting. I have always thought that the basis of my addiction is in the traumas I experienced early in life, and later. Of course, that's part of it. But I do think its the codependence that developed from a lack of nurturing and acceptance in my family that is ground zero. I have done so much 'work' getting over 'issues' but I really haven't looked at codependence. I was getting so frustrated...I'm over this stuff, what's the deal? The codie issue is the umbrella issue...without handling that, I'm just shooting at the fragments. Crappy sentence.
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For Kim
Sept 3, 2015 16:56:35 GMT -5
Post by doodoodotdot1 on Sept 3, 2015 16:56:35 GMT -5
Dot, You may have "new forum performance anxiety", but what an enlightening post! You have the ability to take a very difficult to comprehend subject, drop the reader right in the middle of the situation, then show him/her how to fight their way out. I learn something every time I read one of your posts. Thanks. Mark/Jeyu Aw gee thanks Mark/Jeyu. I relate very deeply to Kim's thinking...or at least I think I do. When she shares it brings up all kinds of stuff for me...touches on exactly my thinking and makes me dig deeper. Now what to do? I know how to quit drinking (ok maybe not staying quit), I've dealt with traumas, I have some new resentments but that will take time....so I guess its CODA. And knowing good ole Idaho there will be one meeting with 6 church ladies who cry the whole time and talk about Jesus. Ok don't shoot me, that wasn't PC but its true. Outside of AA (which is very homogenous here) the other support groups are really, ehem, limited. They'll probably just tell me I need an exorcism or something. Oh gawd I'd better shut up. I'm glad you're doing well.
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For Kim
Sept 3, 2015 17:01:59 GMT -5
Post by Dana on Sept 3, 2015 17:01:59 GMT -5
Hi dot, did you know there is such a thing as codependents anonymous (CoDA)? I didn't, until just in the last 6 months or so. They actually have a website with lots of information and meetings and such. Check it out! Maybe you'll find it helpful. Maybe you already know about it ... anyway it's coda.org/I think we all have some codependent tendencies in us, to some degree or another. And I think it's great that you're exploring this about yourself. I hope you find some answers!
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For Kim
Sept 3, 2015 17:46:31 GMT -5
Post by doodoodotdot1 on Sept 3, 2015 17:46:31 GMT -5
Hi dot, did you know there is such a thing as codependents anonymous (CoDA)? I didn't, until just in the last 6 months or so. They actually have a website with lots of information and meetings and such. Check it out! Maybe you'll find it helpful. Maybe you already know about it ... anyway it's coda.org/I think we all have some codependent tendencies in us, to some degree or another. And I think it's great that you're exploring this about yourself. I hope you find some answers! Hi Dana Yes Makomago and Icon have talked about it. I am going to look in my area tonight. I started with ACOA and that was a bust in my area. But maybe they'll be more in the codie department. Yes that's true. But there's a vast difference between healthy need, caring about another more than one does themselves (say a partner or child), sacrificing for a loved one and true codependence. I lose myself to the point of complete emotional breakdown. Its pretty weird. And the anxiety that results is unbelievable. Not a great state for maintaining sobriety. But I feel like I'm learning...or very willing. Thanks for the info!
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For Kim
Sept 4, 2015 5:13:15 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Sept 4, 2015 5:13:15 GMT -5
Hey Dot, I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. Me and my friend are still friends but that's all, I need him to at least start my lawnmower. I feel pretty lonely these days, lots of time on my hands. Not really sure what to do about it at the moment. I'm sorry that you and Spartacus kind of ended in disaster. That happened to me with my dv ex and it was a horrible and painful breakup. A year later after my breakup with the dv ex I find it hard to believe I stayed with him four and a half years, he treated me like shift. Anyway, that's all in the past. I'm not sure about codependants anonymous. There is nothing in Brisbane where I live so kind of rules it out. I think you are right in that it all stems from childhood, just how to overcome it?? I know I was in a codependant relationship when I was 22 so its always been a part of my life. I wish there were some easy answers to life, but it seems there are none or else I'm not looking hard enough or in the wrong places.
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For Kim
Sept 4, 2015 5:30:11 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Sept 4, 2015 5:30:11 GMT -5
Hey J, Thanks for your message. It is really tough in the beginning. Cravings seem to go for hours. Like you, I really want to remain sober. Kick alcohol in the guts so to speak. Together we can both do this. Just keep posting and sharing your experience. Noone understands an alcoholic like another. Everyone thinks you just put the drink down and that's it, problem solved. Its not like that as I'm sure you know.
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